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January 07, 2007
Dear Amy Fool
The Washington Post has good advice columnists. I just wish I could be one of them.
Dear Lonely,
Let’s start with the most important thing first. You’ve lived in Europe for 14 months and still haven’t been able to pick up the language well enough to get by? Thank God your husband is a doctor. That gives me a smidgeon of hope that if you two should ever procreate, your kids won’t be as stupid as you are. Then again, your husband probably isn't exactly a rocket scientist given his inability to secure a decent medical residency in the United States, huh? Go get your tubes tied tomorrow. Maybe the doctor who performs the operation will want to befriend you. It's doubtful, but you never know.
Second, I bet you thought establishing that idiotic “local” phone number should have been recognized as one of the most brilliant things any person has ever done in the history of the world. You’re a regular Thomas Edison in your mind, aren’t you? Well, take it from me and the countless others who have been forced to communicate with you on some level; you are to Thomas Edison what a piece of poop is to a fabulous steak. I have had turds come out of my body that were more intelligent than you are.
Third, the reason your friends don’t call you very much is simple. You’re a loser whom your “friends” couldn’t wait to dump. You are that person who somehow manages to stay involved in people’s lives even though they desperately wish they’d see missing posters with your picture on them plastered across town.
Fourth, it’s 2007, not 1977. You can actually place a call from Europe to the United States for a paltry amount of money. I wouldn’t expect a lowlife moron like you to know this, but perhaps instead of whining about your friends never calling you, you could actually take some initiative and dial their phone numbers. Oh, now there’s a radical thought, huh? And that would kill your brilliant “But I established a local U.S.A. number so they could call me” dream, wouldn’t it? Well, guess what. Tough f***ing sh*t! Dreams die and then you adapt. If everyone behaved like you did, the television show Lassie would have ended when the dog who originally played Lassie died. Well, guess what? The show didn’t die. They found a new dog. But then again, had it been you, you would have canceled the show. God, you're a loser.
Fifth, I dare you to send your little “I’m disconnecting this phone number because no one ever calls me anymore” email. Please forward me the responses from your friends. I guarantee that most of them will write something like, “Lonely, the amount of energy you’ve sucked out of me is greater than the amount of semen Heidi Klum has sucked out of Seal; good riddance forever. Don't come back!” I’d love to publish your "friends'" responses for my readers. I’m sure they’d enjoy them.
Sixth, do you have any idea that most of these alleged friends of yours have banged your husband? If the thought hasn’t crossed your mind until now, I apologize, but most of your friends have had themselves wrapped around your husband like newspaper around a fish before and after you guys were married. That’s another reason they don’t want to talk to you anymore – there’s no point in keeping the "friendship" alive now that the meat they like to use is across the pond.
Seventh, thank you so much for writing. My readers' letters are so special to me, and I hope my response has been helpful. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking about you and your husband and praying for a wonderful resolution and blissful future for you guys.
~Fool
If you have a question you’d like the Thinking Fool to answer, write him at ThinkingFool at gmail dot com.
Comments
Louis Black meets Ann Landers ... perfect response!
Posted by: Heimhenge at January 8, 2007 01:07 AM
LMFAO! Classic.
Posted by: My So-Called Law School at January 8, 2007 03:11 AM
I feel kind of sorry for this bitch. She might as well see if the men in Europe are indeed not circumsized. If they aren't, maybe she could circumsize them and make stick figures out of forskin.
Posted by: CM at January 8, 2007 12:10 PM
I don't know, TF, you may be to gentle to be an advice columnist ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at January 9, 2007 06:41 PM
"I apologize, but most of your friends have had themselves wrapped around your husband like newspaper around a fish before and after you guys were married."
Yeah, you're totally my new favorite lawyer blogger.
Posted by: Lex Fori at January 9, 2007 07:26 PM
