February 28, 2007
Random Thoughts on the last Day of February
I’m considering starting a podcast as a complement to this blog. A lot depends on the general level of difficulty of getting one up and running. I also wonder if there’d be any interest in a Thinking Fool podcast.
Jimmy Carter was on This Week with George Stephanopoulos over the weekend. The former awful president and current horrible human being told Stephanopoulos that he has repeatedly encouraged Al Gore to run for president in 2008. Al, I agree with the peanut farmer on this one. Get your butt in the race. It’d make things even more interesting than they currently are, and you could screw the Clintons. How can you pass that up?
As I was strolling through downtown D.C. the other day, I noticed a 40-something-year-old woman and a 50-something-year-old man kissing. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but you could definitely tell the two weren’t “just friends.” Do you think it would have been wrong for me to have asked the woman if she and the man were “copulating?” I gave it serious thought before deciding against it. Kind of wish I had a time machine...
I’ve become a huge American Idol fan this season. With that stated, if the Indian kid doesn’t get voted off this week, something really wrong is going on with the show. How the hell did he make it to the final twenty-four?
According to the Associated Press, University of Arizona head basketball coach Lute Olson is extremely upset that there has been speculation that he has Parkinson’s disease. Olson dubbed such speculation a “vicious, vicious rumor” that is “totally false.” When reporters told him that it had also been rumored that he had an incredibly rare sexually transmitted disease, Olson exclaimed, “Damn it, guys! You need to start conducting yourself with some dignity. That is absolutely patently false!” The reporters proceeded to tell the basketball coach that the only other person in the world who apparently has this particular sexually transmitted disease is a 2003 Playboy Playmate. Olson responded by saying, “Well, in that event, I have no comment.”
Posted by fool at 01:10 AM | Comments (7)February 26, 2007
WDJT - What Does Jefferson Think? (Arm Bands Coming Soon)
I originally wrote and posted the following entry more than a year ago. However, it remains one of my favorite postings, and there's an excellent chance you've never read it. Thus, I figured, why not recycle a good one when the brain isn't feeling overly creative. Hope you enjoy! And if you're taking the bar exam this week, best of luck tomorrow and Wednesday (and Thursday, if applicable)!
Instead of scratching their heads trying to figure out what the founding fathers intended when they wrote the Constitution, don’t you think it’d be more practical, not to mention entertaining, if the Supreme Court just added John Edward (or any other famous psychic) to the payroll? Think about it. Every time there was a question of legislative intent, Edward could "cross over" to the world of the dead, channel the founding fathers, and help the Supreme Nine figure things out.
Chief Justice Roberts
: Do you think you can tell us what they meant by “Cruel and Unusual?”
John Edward
: I’m sensing a T... and a... what looks like an X... NO! Not an X.... It’s a J.... Yes, it’s definitely a J.... I’m also getting the impression that this person lived in the South.... Hmm, yes, yes! Definitely! He lived in the South.... Something’s telling me that he enjoyed having sex with slaves.... In fact, I think he might have gotten one pregnant.... He also enjoys inventing things.... Umm, right now, he’s working on a new invention.... It’s going to be a cross between a typewriter and-
Justice Scalia
: FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CAN YOU GET ON WITH IT?!?! You’re talking to Thomas Jefferson, you fuckin moron! We don’t need to know whether he wipes his ass or what invention he's currently cooking up in the afterlife. Just tell us whether the bastard thinks strapping a crazy person in the electric chair really is cruel and unusual.
(Turning to the Chief Justice) You know, this fucker wastes more of our time than Ginsburg and Souter combined. We CAN’T get rid of them. We CAN get rid of him.
Put some cameras in the courtroom while this is all going down and dare I say, it’s a television hit in the making!
Posted by fool at 12:47 AM | Comments (3)February 22, 2007
Do you REALLY think he's Excited?
On Tuesday, Tom Brady publicly reacted to the news that his former flame, Bridget Moynihan, is three months pregnant with his child. Through his agent, the Patriot Superstar said he is "excited" about the pregnancy, proving once again that he really is like the common man. After all, most men are just giddy as can be when they learn that their ex-girlfriends are pregnant! When asked if she had any advice for Moynihan, Amber Frey said, “Well, she should definitely have the baby, and she should also get Brady to pay child support. And, um, oh! Oh! This is really important! She should definitely make sure he is NOT allowed to get a paternity test. That's key!”
Posted by fool at 12:32 AM | Comments (9)February 21, 2007
A Recycled Post for Those About to Take the Bar Exam
It’s a Monday night in late February. You’re holed up in a hotel room praying like you’ve never prayed before. For the last twelve hours, you’ve been an absolute basket case. You’re not sure what a death row inmate feels like in the days leading up to his execution, but you can’t imagine it’s much worse than how you feel now. You’ve had trouble eating recently, but today has been especially difficult. As soon as you glance over at the room clock, you can feel the beads of sweat starting to build on your forehead.
“It is really true?” you wonder. “Do I only have ten more hours before this damn thing begins?”
You’ve had all winter to learn the information, but for whatever reason, you find yourself pacing frantically in your room, wondering how the hell you can possibly pass. You check the alarm clock for what must be the twentieth time. You set the alarm on your phone just in case and leave the ringer on, hoping like hell that one of your idiot friends doesn’t call you in the middle of the night.
You take a pill out of its case and swallow it with the aid of some overpriced bottled water. You let out a huge sigh before resting your head on the pillow. Before you close your eyes, you stare straight at the ceiling and actually say, “Please let me sleep tonight, God. Please.” You’ve had more contact with the man upstairs in the last twelve hours than you’ve had in the last twelve years. A used car lot hasn’t seen as much bargaining as your room.
You stand up and check the alarm clock again. It still looks like it’s in perfect working order.
You wonder if you should turn off your phone. If the alarm clock doesn’t work, the wake-up call should. “Oh the hell with it,” you think. “Better safe than sorry.”
For the next fifteen minutes, your mind is racing faster than Mario Andretti. “Does he even race anymore?” you wonder. “I’d love to be a racecar driver.”
Your thoughts continue to be sporadic, yet slow down in pace. Ah, yes. The Ambien is finally starting to kick in. Within minutes, you’ll be asleep for good.
You've never been this nervous, not even the first time you saw your significant other's private parts. Why can't you have one extra day?
Welcome to the night before day one of the bar exam.
BAD NEWS: If you're taking the February bar exam, you're going to have a rough night next Monday.
GOOD NEWS: Rough night aside, you can definitely pass!
BETTER NEWS: Even if you've fallen way behind, there's still almost a whole week to absorb a ton of information. Use this week to ensure that you pass! Make sure you read every essay in your Bar/Bri book as well as every answer. That simple exercise will help tremendously. Don't freak out on test day. You don't have to be perfect! You can do this!
BEST NEWS: You’re not a jockstrap sold at the Big and Tall Store.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (4)February 20, 2007
May it Be Enacted...
New Rule: Any climber who gets stranded on Mount Hood in 2007 has to pay the costs associated with being rescued. (This rule does not apply to Victoria's Secret models.)
Posted by fool at 12:01 AM | Comments (4)February 16, 2007
The Blonde and the Horse
Anna Nicole Smith is dead, and I don’t give a damn.
Anna Nicole Smith’s son is dead, and I don’t give a damn about that either.
If the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby turns out to be a horse, then I’ll give a damn. (That’d also make for an interesting Lifetime movie, don’t you think?)
Interior of a a barn in Texas
Anna Nicole: (stroking her hair) What’s your name, handsome?
Horse: (expressionless)
Anna Nicole: (stroking horse’s hair) I asked you what your name is, cutie.
Horse: (blinking quickly)
Anna Nicole: (snorting a line of cocaine) Well, if you won’t tell me, I’ll just call you Senor Caballo. What do you think about that, Senor?
Horse: (blinking quickly)
Anna Nicole: (taking off blouse) You know, you sure are a good lookin horse, Senor.
Horse: (expressionless)
Anna Nicole: (taking off jeans) But I bet you hear that all the time, huh?
Horse: (expressionless)
Anna Nicole: (taking off bra) You know, my 90-year-old dead husband always used to tell me he wanted to do it doggie style. Isn’t that weird? Don’t ya’ll think that’s weird, Senor?
Horse: (expressionless)
Anna Nicole: (taking off panties) You wouldn’t ask me to do it doggie style, would you, Senor?
Horse: (expressionless)
Anna Nicole: (moving over to the horse) Do you want to put your carrot in me, Senor?
Horse: (smiling)
Anna Nicole: You just have to promise to pull out, okays? I didn’t take no birth control today.
Horse: I’m a fucking horse, lady. I’m not pulling out. And my name is Dexter Alexander, not Senor Caballo.
Fade to black. Cut to Boniva commercial.
Posted by fool at 01:28 AM | Comments (10)February 15, 2007
Ten Seconds Once a Week is Just Too Damn Hard
“My girlfriend and I were talking about osteoporosis, and she told me she has to set aside time one morning every week to take her osteoporosis pill. I said, ‘I take once monthly Boniva. It’s my routine.’ And she said, ‘THAT I CAN DO.’”
~Sally Field, hawking Boniva, the first and once-monthly medication for the management of postmenopausal osteoporosis, in a television commercial
Ms. Field, please tell your friend that she is the laziest human being on the face of the planet. Also, Mrs. Doubtfire is five times the woman you ever could be.
Posted by fool at 12:44 AM | Comments (11)February 13, 2007
I Figure the Decapitation Might not Last as Long
If I were given the choice of attending an 8-hour Continuing Legal Education (CLE) seminar or being whisked away to Pakistan to make a video with the thugs who decapitated Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, I obviously would choose the CLE event, but not before giving both options serious consideration.
Posted by fool at 12:54 AM | Comments (3)February 07, 2007
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
Looking outside before heading to bed and seeing snow fall from the sky: Hopeful.
Looking outside after waking up and knowing that there's not enough snow to close the federal government: DOH!
Somebody Thought this was a Good Idea
Have you seen the preview for Ghost Rider? You know, the movie where Nicolas Cage turns into some sort of ghost who appears to be perpetually on fire while riding a motorcycle. If you have seen the trailer and actually plan on seeing this film, please clue me in regarding your thinking process. If nothing else, your mind has to be absolutely fascinating (in the same way that Jeffrey Dahmer's mind was fascinating!) I don't recall ever seeing a preview that makes a film look worse than this one. What am I missing here?
Posted by fool at 12:18 AM | Comments (4)February 05, 2007
Monday already?
Comcast, I am aware that the government is raising some stupid tax on digital phone services. Your first mailed notice made me aware of this. Your second letter reinforced the point. The fourth one is just making me want to switch providers. Please stop it.
Coworker #4 got promoted recently. She deserved the promotion about as much as Kim Jong Il deserves a humanitarian award. (Please note that this is an objective statement and that I was not competing against her for such promotion and that I would not have accepted the job she was promoted to even if a group of Pakastani warlords told me that if I didn't take the job, they were going to make a video starring me.)
If you've seen the commercials for Hercules Hooks on tv and thought, "There's no way those work," I respectfully disagree! They work like a charm. At least, the two that are supporting a very heavy mirror that is currently directly above my head are working quite well. (If I randomly stop blogging one day and it's because I've perished after the mirror above my sofa falls on me, I retract my endorsement of Hercules Hooks.) Of course, the hole they make in the wall is larger than the commercial lets on, but it's still about the size of a nail. Not bad if you ask me. I can't believe I finally found an "AS SEEN ON TV" product that works!
I love when the Super Bowl arrives each year. It means football is finally finished and we can move on to more pressing things, like baseball and warmer weather. The predicted high for this wonderful Monday is 23 degrees. It's also supposed to be windy. In the words of a former babysitter, "AH, THAT'S HORSESHIT!!!"
Posted by fool at 01:07 AM | Comments (7)