March 28, 2007
Dear Amy Fool, Take Two
Dear Confused in Illinois,
I receive a lot of letters, but have to say yours touched me in ways that most others don’t. Let me explain.
I’ve been waiting to receive your letter for the last several years because your great-grandmother actually wrote me before she passed away. I kid you not. I never actually thought I’d hear from you, but here you are. Needless to say, I’m pretty shocked.
You great-grandmother went on at great length about quilt-making, but that’s only part of why she wrote me. She actually sent me a letter hoping that I would tell you – when the time was right – that her death, though dubbed by the local coroner to be from natural causes, was anything but. The truth is that your great-granny actually killed herself. At least, that’s what she said she planned on doing in her letter.
I know, I know, that’s impossible to believe. But you see, three weeks before she took her life, “GG” – as you called her – learned that she was HIV+.
I know that probably comes as a huge shock to your system – after all, you didn’t know that good old 92-year-old great-granny was actually sleeping with more men than a meth-addicted hooker in New Delhi.
And sweetie, she didn’t want me to tell you this, but I think the truth is important. They weren’t just white men that your great-granny was entertaining. She slept with black men, Indians, Chinese, etc. You name it and she slept with it. Apparently she even took in – literally – an Indonesian-Irish midget who used to like to dress up like a leprechaun and look for “GG’s secret pot of gold” whenever your great-granny would unleash a rainbow of colors downstairs. (She wasn’t buying all that food coloring and hair dye for nothing.)
I know it’s difficult to think about your GG getting around more times than the original merry-go-round at Coney Island, but darling, there’s a reason the people in her town could never find KY Jelly in the local supermarket. And I don’t know how to break this to you, but your great-grandmother wasn’t using the jelly to lube up her front entrance.
As for what should happen to the quilt, the truth is that your great-grandmother told me she didn’t know why you gave a flying flip about the quilt. Given her attitude coupled with the undeniable fact that she didn’t love you (she explicitly wrote this several times), I’d say let your cousin’s kid have the damn thing. After all, if you ran a black-light over it, there’d be more semen stains than on the bathroom carpet at the local fertility clinic.
If you really want to confront your grandmother about this, just tell her that her mom was a whore. That should bring the two of you closer together.
Thanks again for writing. I hope this information brings you some much needed peace. I know how much you’ve been hurting.
Fool
P.S. - Your great-grandmother also said she slept with your husband. To prove it, she told me he has three dark spots on the bottom of his shaft. Apparently he's also quite a crooked S-O-B! Sorry.
Posted by fool at 12:14 AM | Comments (4)March 26, 2007
Random Musings: Larry King Style
The beauty of an entry like this one is that if you hate one topic, you just skip to the next paragraph where a new topic begins. If you hate all the topics, well, then that's a bit problematic.
Bob Simon is an absolute treasure on 60 Minutes. If you haven’t watched him in action, you should. And just to prove that I give proper props when props are due, yesterday, Katie Couric actually conducted a superb interview with John and Elizabeth Edwards. (I’m not exactly Katie’s biggest fan in case you didn’t know.)
Not too long ago, I shared an elevator ride with a man who has worked for my employer for a very long time. He’s being forced out of the government in a few months even though he only has a year and change until retirement. (He doesn't do a whole lot, but it really is a b.s. ouster.) This recent development has only served to enhance his usual dour demeanor.
Thinking Fool: Hey “Joseph,” how are you today?
Joseph: Life pretty much sucks.
Thinking Fool: Today in particular, or just all the time?
Joseph: Um, pretty much all the time.
Thinking Fool: Well, I hope today doesn’t suck as much as the other days usually do.
Joseph: Hey, when God closes one door, he opens a window. And then he screams, “JUMP!”
We shared a good laugh over that.
And then there were four. Go Bruins!
To the animal rights activists who want to kill the baby polar bear in Germany because he is being raised by humans at the zoo instead of by his mom (who abandoned the poor little bastard): You are all idiots. Go see if you can personally test some of the pet food that’s been roaming around America over the last few weeks. How is this animal better off being dead? I guess if All Dogs go to Heaven, maybe all Polar Bears do too.
The Coke Zero ads where Coca-Cola Classic employees want to hire lawyers to sue fellow employees who sell Coke Zero... absolutely brilliant in my opinion. Worth watching even if TIVO lets me skip them!
The comic strip, Pearls Before Swine, also brilliant! Give it a look at least once a day for two weeks. I bet you you’ll get hooked. And if you don’t get hooked, try meth once a day for the following two weeks. Then go back and read Pearls Before Swine again. I don’t know if that’ll make any difference, but I suspect it will. Let me know how that works out for you. (Note, I am not giving legal advice here.)
The last time I checked, U.S. Attorneys are political appointees, serving at the pleasure of the president, meaning they can be fired whenever the president wants to fire them. Perhaps someone should have explained this to the White House and Co. before everyone started inventing idiotic reasons for why these people were asked to leave. Tony Snow should have handled that question pretty easily. “They weren’t pleasuring the president anymore.... What?... No, not like that.... Well, sometimes, but only if the whipped cream is handy.”
Posted by fool at 02:06 AM | Comments (6)March 19, 2007
I wonder what they'll Say about me at My "Retirement" Luncheon
Not too long ago, I attended a retirement luncheon for “Judy,” who, for about a dozen years, served as the personal assistant to “Henry,” a man who is definitely one of the higher ups at work. Midway through lunch, Henry stood up to say a few words about Judy, and let’s just say, he had a hell of a time maintaining his composure towards the end of his speech.
Henry: “You know (looking at all of us - about 80 people), my father used to tell me that you could count your really great friends in life on one hand (putting up one hand), maybe two if you were really lucky (showing us both hands). Well, Judy (looking at Judy), I consider you one of my really great friends (starting to sob), and I’m so sorry that you’re leaving us because I’m (really breaking down) losing one of my best friends (crying even harder, hugging Judy as she stands to comfort him).”
At this point, as you can probably imagine, the room was as quiet as a room can get. In fact, it was so quiet that it was really uncomfortable. That’s why I thought it’d be a good idea if I lightened things up a bit.
Thinking Fool: (Yelling from across the room) “Hey Henry, your dad sounds like he was a total idiot.”
As that joker from Harry Potter would say, “I shouldn’t have said that!” You win some; you lose some. Such is life. And no, I didn't actually say that, but I sure as hell wanted to! Probably best that I didn't.
Posted by fool at 12:32 AM | Comments (4)March 14, 2007
Rule Number One: Make Sure Your Bridesmaids Won't Leave you Stranded at the Altar
Let me pose a hypothetical to you. You’re a bridesmaid at a wedding. (If you’re a guy, this requires pretending you have a vagina. (I really shouldn’t need to explain little things like this, but I’ve had a lot of readers from the South recently, so erring on the side of caution seems somewhat warranted.))
So there you are, outside on a gorgeous night, standing a few feet behind the bride as she and the groom listen to the rabbi go on and on about whatever it is rabbis go on and on about at weddings.
It’s still very early in the ceremony. In fact, it’s still so early that if you were a teenage boy, you’d have more than enough time to scurry off to a private area, play with your thing (to completion too), and get back before the groom even considered breaking any glasses.
But then, all of a sudden, down you go. I'm not kidding.
If Howard Cosell were calling the action, he’d instantaneously go from being calm, cool, and collected, to exclaiming, “DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID! DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID! DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID!” Yes, indeed, you have passed out.
Fortunately for you, the bride and groom are completely unaware of what’s going on. They simply can’t see you. Their families and friends, on the other hand, well, they start wondering whether you decided to do an 8-ball of coke and down a bottle of tequila in the hours leading up to the ceremony.
The other bridesmaids tend to your needs, managing to bring you back to this world and get you back on your feet. One of them helps you exit the area, bringing you to a room to recover. It seems you have the flu and feel sicker than a Chihuahua who’s had a one-night stand with a Great Dane. (Think about it. Seriously. The Chihuahua wouldn’t feel good, and God forbid she got pregnant during the encounter. Delivering those puppies would kill her on the spot.)
One minute goes by.
Two minutes go by.
Five minutes go by.
Ten minutes go by.
You’re still away from the ceremony, sitting in a room, trying to feel better. But you’re definitely conscious. In fact, nosy fools peering back to see what’s going on can see you sitting up through a window. It’s clear at this point that you passed out because of the flu, not because anyone slipped you a roofie. In other words, you still feel awful, but you’re definitely awake.
So, here’s the question. At that point, knowing that the ceremony is winding down, and also knowing that there’s really no chance the bride and groom have noticed your absence, don’t you get back on your feet and quietly return to the ceremony, not causing any sort of ruckus? (Yes, I know you might think that it’d be impossible not to create a ruckus, but trust me, if the bride and groom didn’t notice you passing out and hitting the floor like a ton of pennies dropped from the top of the Empire State Building, there’s no way they’re going to notice you sneaking back. It’s not like you’d come back riding a horse blowing an air horn (or blowing anything else for that matter, though that certainly could make for an interesting memory).)
If it’s me, I definitely suck it up, get back on the floor, and finish the wedding standing exactly where the bride expects me to be standing. However, when I mentioned this to another person at the reception, an older lady who ought to be a spy due to her eavesdropping abilities looked at me with an absolutely mortified expression on her face. I’m pretty sure it was because she thought I was being insensitive to the bridesmaid’s situation, but others have told me it was because my cock was hanging out of my pants.
Either way, I think the bridesmaid should have gotten back out there.
Posted by fool at 01:48 AM | Comments (7)March 12, 2007
Conversations at Work: Volume XXV
Thinking Fool: Hey, I've got some really great news.
Coworker #1: [The Boss' Secretary] is dead?
Thinking Fool: Um, no.
Coworker #1: Oh, I thought you said you had really great news.Posted by fool at 12:01 AM | Comments (6)
March 08, 2007
Florida, Florida, How I Love that You have the Death Penalty, Florida
Yesterday, a Florida jury convicted John Evander Couey of raping and murdering 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford in 2005. If you don't remember this story, let me give it to you in a nutshell. Couey abducted Jessica from her bedroom, raped her, and then buried her alive in a shallow hole. She died clutching her purple stuffed dolphin. Nice way for a 9-year-old child to die, huh?
I simply cannot imagine.
Those are the facts. Couey even confessed to police, though his confession was ruled inadmissible at trial because he was not provided with an attorney after requesting one. Fortunately, the jury convicted him anyway. And soon, the jury will undoubtedly recommend that he be sentenced to death.
Despite the absolute certainty that this man is guilty, many people will make serious assertions that the United States Constitution prohibits executing him because such a penalty is cruel and unusual. Any person who has read the text of the Constitution should realize that such an argument is absolutely absurd. (You can object to the death penalty on moral grounds all you want, but the document that controls this country’s laws couldn’t be clearer that the death penalty is a perfectly acceptable thing for the state to impose.)
Then there will be the arguments that he’s either too stupid to know what he did or too poor to afford a good attorney or too scarred from the times when his daddy beat him and made him suck his cousin’s thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Abduct, rape, murder, and bury a little girl alive, and I don't care if you were sodomized a hundred thousand times by an NFL football team; game over for you.
Given that liberal judges are more likely to strike down the death penalty than conservative ones (often on some whimsical notion that has absolutely nothing to do with the Constitution), cases like this one make me happy that President Bush has appointed our last two Supreme Court Justices. Even George W. has his good moments, although nominating Harriet Miers to the Court was not one of them.
Posted by fool at 01:08 AM | Comments (6)March 06, 2007
You call yourself WHAT?
Yesterday, I was reading a story in the Washington Post about Bruce Gordon’s resignation as president and chief executive of the NAACP, and I couldn’t help but wonder why the hell the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is still called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Same thing with the United Negro College Fund.
Why on earth do these two organizations keep, as part of their names, words that, in 2007, are definitely racial slurs when both organizations try to combat negative stereotypes and racism?
I understand that the NAACP and UNCF have built up a lot of “brand loyalty” over the years, i.e. their names are easily identifiable. But do you really think it’d take people a long time to learn new names?
I don’t.
Americans are stupid, but we’re not THAT stupid. (Well, maybe my degenerate ex-brother-in-law is, but that’s not relevant at the moment.)
I also understand that each organization has a rich history with its respective name, but history isn't a good enough reason to keep a racial slur as part of your group’s name, is it?
Times change and people change and organizations change too.
If continuing to do stuff the way it’s always been done in order to preserve some sort of tradition and history was a legitimate argument, we’d have to buy into the idiotic notion that flying Confederate flags over Southern statehouses is a good idea, right? After all, that’s the way they used to do things in the South and there’s such a rich history there.
I don’t buy any of it. It’s time for some changes.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (8)March 05, 2007
This is the CBS Evening News with Katie Crapic
Six months ago today, Katie Couric signed on as anchor of the CBS Evening News. I’ve eaten a considerable amount of Mexican food over the last six months, but Katie has still definitely had more crap come out of her during that time period than I have had come out of me. (The major difference being that her crap appears on-the-air five nights a week; mine appears at the bottom of a toilet bowl (unless I’m launching floaters, in which case, well, you get the point).) CBS spent $15 million bringing Katie over from NBC. Like the Hindenburg, we all had high hopes before the launch. Unfortunately, so far, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric has crashed and burned.
But, it could be worse. Could be raining...
Posted by fool at 01:35 AM | Comments (2)March 04, 2007
Remembering a Friend
I wish I could call Fr. M today to wish him a happy 84th birthday. It is stunning to think that it has been almost five months since he died. I miss my teacher, my mentor, my friend. Today, he should be telling me, in his corny yet adorable way, that he’s “been ‘marching forth’ on ‘March 4th’ for 84 years.”
I have missed him a lot in recent weeks. On more than one occasion, I have reached for the phone, wanting to pick his brain about something.
I have never met anyone quite like him, and I doubt that I ever will. This man, who had seen his fair share of pain – he was the prison chaplain at Alcatraz at one point – had such an upbeat, infectious outlook on life. You couldn’t help but feel wonderful about yourself and just life in general when you shared his company. He truly viewed the world with awe and wonder.
Despite the chaotic events that humans have introduced to this planet – from the wars in the Middle East to the indiscriminate killings that plague the poorer parts of the nation’s capital – I still have hope for the world largely because of human beings like Fr. M.
His death last October was hardly sudden. He had been hanging on by a thread for almost two years. So, it’s not like the news of his passing came as a shock to my system. Mentally, I had prepared for it, knowing that our final conversation would, in fact, be our final conversation. But that doesn’t keep me from missing him.
He wanted to go. He was ready to die. Unfortunately, selfishly, I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
I’m still not.
Happy Birthday, Fr. M. You are missed.
Posted by fool at 12:29 PMMarch 02, 2007
"Honey, I saw the tape. You really need to use your turn signal more, especially if you're going to grab him like that."
Last Night on the NBC Nightly News, there was a report about a pilot project that is offering parents the opportunity to help their teenage children become safer drivers. The project is pretty simple, yet quite effective. Basically a camera called a Drivecam is mounted in a teenager’s car and then triggered to record each time the driver brakes suddenly, swerves, speeds, or makes other unsafe maneuvers.
Engineers are still trying to figure out a way to trigger the camera to record each time teenagers start engaging in sexual intercourse. They're doing this for two reasons. First, they’re convinced that such a function will reduce the number of teenage pregnancies dramatically. Second, they have heard from numerous fathers in the South who have expressed a tremendous interest in seeing what it's like when their little girls get taken by someone outside the family. Of course, due to its liberal bias, NBC failed to report on the teenage pregnancy aspect of this story.
Posted by fool at 12:33 AM | Comments (3)