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March 28, 2007
Dear Amy Fool, Take Two
Dear Confused in Illinois,
I receive a lot of letters, but have to say yours touched me in ways that most others don’t. Let me explain.
I’ve been waiting to receive your letter for the last several years because your great-grandmother actually wrote me before she passed away. I kid you not. I never actually thought I’d hear from you, but here you are. Needless to say, I’m pretty shocked.
You great-grandmother went on at great length about quilt-making, but that’s only part of why she wrote me. She actually sent me a letter hoping that I would tell you – when the time was right – that her death, though dubbed by the local coroner to be from natural causes, was anything but. The truth is that your great-granny actually killed herself. At least, that’s what she said she planned on doing in her letter.
I know, I know, that’s impossible to believe. But you see, three weeks before she took her life, “GG” – as you called her – learned that she was HIV+.
I know that probably comes as a huge shock to your system – after all, you didn’t know that good old 92-year-old great-granny was actually sleeping with more men than a meth-addicted hooker in New Delhi.
And sweetie, she didn’t want me to tell you this, but I think the truth is important. They weren’t just white men that your great-granny was entertaining. She slept with black men, Indians, Chinese, etc. You name it and she slept with it. Apparently she even took in – literally – an Indonesian-Irish midget who used to like to dress up like a leprechaun and look for “GG’s secret pot of gold” whenever your great-granny would unleash a rainbow of colors downstairs. (She wasn’t buying all that food coloring and hair dye for nothing.)
I know it’s difficult to think about your GG getting around more times than the original merry-go-round at Coney Island, but darling, there’s a reason the people in her town could never find KY Jelly in the local supermarket. And I don’t know how to break this to you, but your great-grandmother wasn’t using the jelly to lube up her front entrance.
As for what should happen to the quilt, the truth is that your great-grandmother told me she didn’t know why you gave a flying flip about the quilt. Given her attitude coupled with the undeniable fact that she didn’t love you (she explicitly wrote this several times), I’d say let your cousin’s kid have the damn thing. After all, if you ran a black-light over it, there’d be more semen stains than on the bathroom carpet at the local fertility clinic.
If you really want to confront your grandmother about this, just tell her that her mom was a whore. That should bring the two of you closer together.
Thanks again for writing. I hope this information brings you some much needed peace. I know how much you’ve been hurting.
Fool
P.S. - Your great-grandmother also said she slept with your husband. To prove it, she told me he has three dark spots on the bottom of his shaft. Apparently he's also quite a crooked S-O-B! Sorry.
Comments
thank you for that story. i miss your creativity and your touch
Posted by: pretty at March 28, 2007 01:54 AM
You're a sick individual!
And did she sleep with American Indians or South Asian Indians?
Posted by: teahouseblossom at March 29, 2007 11:23 PM
And did she sleep with American Indians or South Asian Indians?
BOTH! :-)
Posted by: Fool at March 30, 2007 12:56 AM
I did GG once... nothing to write home about.
Posted by: wiseazzz at April 1, 2007 01:45 AM
