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March 14, 2007
Rule Number One: Make Sure Your Bridesmaids Won't Leave you Stranded at the Altar
Let me pose a hypothetical to you. You’re a bridesmaid at a wedding. (If you’re a guy, this requires pretending you have a vagina. (I really shouldn’t need to explain little things like this, but I’ve had a lot of readers from the South recently, so erring on the side of caution seems somewhat warranted.))
So there you are, outside on a gorgeous night, standing a few feet behind the bride as she and the groom listen to the rabbi go on and on about whatever it is rabbis go on and on about at weddings.
It’s still very early in the ceremony. In fact, it’s still so early that if you were a teenage boy, you’d have more than enough time to scurry off to a private area, play with your thing (to completion too), and get back before the groom even considered breaking any glasses.
But then, all of a sudden, down you go. I'm not kidding.
If Howard Cosell were calling the action, he’d instantaneously go from being calm, cool, and collected, to exclaiming, “DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID! DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID! DOWN GOES A BRIDESMAID!” Yes, indeed, you have passed out.
Fortunately for you, the bride and groom are completely unaware of what’s going on. They simply can’t see you. Their families and friends, on the other hand, well, they start wondering whether you decided to do an 8-ball of coke and down a bottle of tequila in the hours leading up to the ceremony.
The other bridesmaids tend to your needs, managing to bring you back to this world and get you back on your feet. One of them helps you exit the area, bringing you to a room to recover. It seems you have the flu and feel sicker than a Chihuahua who’s had a one-night stand with a Great Dane. (Think about it. Seriously. The Chihuahua wouldn’t feel good, and God forbid she got pregnant during the encounter. Delivering those puppies would kill her on the spot.)
One minute goes by.
Two minutes go by.
Five minutes go by.
Ten minutes go by.
You’re still away from the ceremony, sitting in a room, trying to feel better. But you’re definitely conscious. In fact, nosy fools peering back to see what’s going on can see you sitting up through a window. It’s clear at this point that you passed out because of the flu, not because anyone slipped you a roofie. In other words, you still feel awful, but you’re definitely awake.
So, here’s the question. At that point, knowing that the ceremony is winding down, and also knowing that there’s really no chance the bride and groom have noticed your absence, don’t you get back on your feet and quietly return to the ceremony, not causing any sort of ruckus? (Yes, I know you might think that it’d be impossible not to create a ruckus, but trust me, if the bride and groom didn’t notice you passing out and hitting the floor like a ton of pennies dropped from the top of the Empire State Building, there’s no way they’re going to notice you sneaking back. It’s not like you’d come back riding a horse blowing an air horn (or blowing anything else for that matter, though that certainly could make for an interesting memory).)
If it’s me, I definitely suck it up, get back on the floor, and finish the wedding standing exactly where the bride expects me to be standing. However, when I mentioned this to another person at the reception, an older lady who ought to be a spy due to her eavesdropping abilities looked at me with an absolutely mortified expression on her face. I’m pretty sure it was because she thought I was being insensitive to the bridesmaid’s situation, but others have told me it was because my cock was hanging out of my pants.
Either way, I think the bridesmaid should have gotten back out there.
Comments
I would've gone back out there, but that's just me.
Posted by: My So-Called Law School at March 14, 2007 02:30 AM
Wow. So much better than my passing out story. Although I did pass out during a concert in junior high (and fell off the back of the risers). Some of us are just fainters. But yes, she should have been a trooper and gotten back out there for the end of the ceremony.
Posted by: Harmless Error at March 14, 2007 10:07 PM
actually, i would think that the bridesmaid should stay put. it'd be more of a distraction (i would think) for her to walk back toward the bride and groom, than it would for her to stay sitting in the back. after all, it's not her show, so why should she draw (more) attention to herself?
Posted by: LM at March 14, 2007 11:02 PM
This happened to two friends of mine. Except that it was all caught on camera, the bride's dad (a doctor) rushed forward to aid the bridesmaid, and the audible gasp from the audience caused the bride and groom to turn around. Their shocked expressions were also caught on camera for posterity. Priceless.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at March 15, 2007 08:10 AM
That's just freaky. I say don't disrupt the wedding anymore than you already have...
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at March 15, 2007 11:07 AM
ya, i say leave the wedding, go back to the hotel, puke some more and give the bride and groom a very nice present.
I am sure the happy couple still hope for the last part.
the best part of the story is that no one moved to help her, the only person that helped her is the girl she fell on.
Posted by: pretty at March 15, 2007 01:28 PM
Some of my favorite memories of weddings I have attended involve a bridesmaid going down...
Seriously though, I would not have returned. I think iti is more disruptive to try and come back than to just sit that one out.
Posted by: over_educated at March 16, 2007 11:41 AM
