May 30, 2007
A Change of Opinion - Happy Anniversary, Charlie
Charlie Gibson has now been the host of ABC’s World News for over a year. I lambasted him in February 2006 after he made comments that made him sound, well, a bit petty. However, I must admit that Gibson has made a true believer out of me. Although I have tremendous respect for Brian Williams (he has an amazing sense of humor), there’s a reason Gibson is winning the ratings war these days – he really is just superb as a network news anchor. I still wish Peter Jennings were on the air, but Charlie ain’t bad. Here’s to hoping he and Williams battle each other for a very long time. (Please note that I did not write anything about hoping that Katie Couric battles the other evening news anchors for a long time. Please also note, I did not use the word "penis" in this post, well, not until this sentence, but that doesn't count because, I was, well, nevermind. I am also not implying that Katie Couric has a penis just in case you people thought that's what I was doing.)
Posted by fool at 01:21 AM | Comments (1)May 29, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
Fracture
The Gist: Anthony Hopkins, a wealthy businessman, finds out his wife is having an affair, so he decides to go O.J. on her ass, minus the near decapitation thing. (Hopkins uses a gun, not a knife, unlike that imbecile former football player/actor/murderer, who is somehow walking around when he should be enjoying the virtues of sodomy courtesy of a group of guys named Bubba, Bigger Bubba, and “Elephant Rod.”) At his arraignment, Hopkins informs the judge that he is going to represent himself. The prosecutor (Ryan Gosling) is a hotshot young attorney who is weeks away from leaving the L.A. District Attorney’s Office to take a job at some supposedly amazing law firm. Hopkins starts toying with Gosling in and out of the courtroom and proves that once in awhile a pro se litigant can be an effective showman. After several stupid twists and turns that are about as compelling as Dennis Kucinich’s presidential campaign, by the grace of God, the credits roll and the movie ends.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: The acting is fine, but the story just isn’t gripping... AT ALL. During one scene, we’re supposed to care whether a woman is taken off life support. Apparently, the director wants us to be on the edge of our seat. Did you care when Terry Schiavo was taken off life support? If not, you sure as hell won’t care whether the woman in the movie is taken off life support.
Who Should See This: Nobody.
The Verdict: Awful (though Anthony Hopkins has some neat looking devices in his office and home that I’ve never seen before, so those were nice). D.
May 24, 2007
More Fun on the Metro
I often try to make the subway ride more fun in the morning, especially when I'm not fortunate enough to get a seat. Yesterday, when I saw a fellow passenger, I couldn't keep myself from secretly taking a picture of him on my camera phone and then sending the photo and following text message to Coworker #1.
"Do you think I should tell this guy his sideburns make him look awful?"
Coworker #1's reply: "Yes."
Posted by fool at 12:05 AM | Comments (4)May 23, 2007
Making Alexander Graham Bell Proud
Thinking Fool: (To Coworker #3) “I’m going to crank call the Boss’ New Secretary.”
Coworker #3: “What are you going to say?”
Thinking Fool: “I have no idea.”
And I didn’t have any idea. Nevertheless, I picked up my cell phone, blocked my number, dialed, and waited.
Boss’ New Secretary: “[Name of Federal Organization], Mr. [Last Name of Boss]’ office.”
Thinking Fool: (In a very deep, almost Barry White-esque voice) “Yeah, is, uh, Mr. [Boss’ Last Name] there?”
Boss’ New Secretary: “He’s stepped out of the office for a moment. May I take a message?”
Thinking Fool: “Well, you see, I got his dog (drawn out). And I don’t know exactly what he want me to do with it.”
Boss’ New Secretary: (Confused) “Umm, may I have your name, sir?”
Thinking Fool: “Um, yeah, sure. My name is Johnson James.”
Boss’ New Secretary: (Still confused) “Okay.”
Thinking Fool: “Well, here’s the deal, ma’am. I’m going to give it to you straight. We’re thinking about putting the dog down. You hear me?”
Boss’ New Secretary: (All of a sudden getting nervous as hell) “Umm, well, I don’t know anything about that.”
Thinking Fool: (Deciding to turn up the heat) “Well, all I’m saying is, again, I’ll be straight up with you. If you'll give me the authorization, we’ll put the dog down right now, no questions asked.”
Boss’ New Secretary: “No! No! No! No! No! ABSOLUTELY NOT! I will NOT give you authorization to do anything to that dog.”
Thinking Fool: (Speaking just “off-mic,” ensuring that the Boss’ New Secretary could hear) “Yeah, she said we can go ahead and put the dog down. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, just do it.”
Boss’ New Secretary: “Wait, wait, wait. I did not say such a thing.”
Click.
Fast forward about five minutes.
Boss’ New Secretary: (Said in a much more somber tone) “[Name of Federal Organization], Mr. [Last Name of Boss]’ office.”
Thinking Fool: “Hey ma’am. It’s Johnson James again.”
Boss’ New Secretary: “Sir, I absolutely did not give you any authorization to do anything to that animal! You are not to touch it or do anything to it! Do you understand me?”
Thinking Fool: “Oh, ma’am, it’s too late for that. I’m just calling back to find out what you want us to do with the dog’s body.”
Don’t worry. I let her know it was a joke. She vowed to get me back. My boss thought the whole thing was hysterical! Developing...
Posted by fool at 12:08 AM | Comments (7)May 22, 2007
Dial F for Fool
The year 2007 has not been the most pleasant year in my lifetime. Some days are great, some are good, and others can be just downright miserable. Yesterday, I had one of my less fun days. Being amazingly wonderful parents, Mama Fool and Papa Fool conversed with me several times. The day got much better as it progressed, but the morning and early afternoon were rough. When Papa Fool called me last night to check in, we had the following exchange.
Papa Fool: “How are you doing?”
Thinking Fool: “I haven’t driven off a cliff yet.”
Papa Fool: “Well, don’t even think about doing that.”
Thinking Fool: “I’m not an idiot, dad. I’m just joking.”
Papa Fool: “Well, I’m serious. If you ever did something like that, it would absolutely-”
Thinking Fool: “Trust me, you have no reason to worry.”
Papa Fool: “Well, can I finish what I was going to say?”
Thinking Fool: “Sure.”
Papa Fool: “If you ever did something like that, it would absolutely break your (slight pause) mother’s heart.”
Thinking Fool: “You’re an asshole.”
Papa Fool: “Thank you.”Posted by fool at 12:09 AM | Comments (8)
May 21, 2007
The Vegas Dinner
Papa Fool and I ventured to Vegas over the weekend. In addition to scoring some smoking hot underage Filipino male prostitutes, we did your usual father-son stuff. “GE Friend” recently left GE to take a job in Vegas, so we actually had dinner with him on Saturday night. That led to the following exchange.
Papa Fool: “Why’d you leave GE, [GE Friend]? Wasn’t that a pretty good job?”
GE Friend: “Oh, they totally fucked me!”
It’s good to know my friends feel so constrained around my father.
Oh, and I was kidding about the underage Filipino male prostitutes thing. I know that some of you people struggle with sarcasm. And by "you people," I'm referring to my readers, not some racial or ethnic minority.
May 16, 2007
And Now to Lead Us in Prayer, I Present to You, the Chancellor
So I was thinking, this weekend’s graduation ceremony at Liberty University is obviously going to be saturated with sadness given Reverend Jerry Falwell’s death yesterday. (I think I’m one of the few non-Evangelicals who isn’t happy that this man died. I didn’t particularly care for a lot of his political beliefs, but a serial killer he wasn’t.) As the school’s chancellor, he certainly would have played a major role throughout commencement weekend. Thus, to help students and parents deal with the pain and to ensure that Falwell’s spirit will be with the Liberty family, I thought that perhaps the school should hire an impressionist to play the role of Falwell all weekend. That way, he’d still sort of be there, even if he’s dead. Could be a helpful transition period to help people cope. As Professor Honigsberg would ask, “Good Ideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea?”
Posted by fool at 05:43 AM | Comments (9)May 14, 2007
And to think, He's Leaving in a Week :-(
Last night, when I glanced at my cell phone, I noticed that I had missed a call from the Intern. Naturally, I called him back.
Intern: “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?”
Thinking Fool: “Why the hell did you call me?”
Intern: “It’s nice to hear your voice too.”
Lest you think I’m a complete jerk, the Intern and I rarely have a conversation that isn’t laced with sarcasm. Last week, he admitted that I’ve had a tremendous influence on him. This worries all of my coworkers. Frankly, it worries me too!
Posted by fool at 12:41 AM | Comments (5)May 09, 2007
What We Probably Would Have Heard
If the Imus in the Morning program were still on the air, I have a feeling we would have heard the Kansas tornado story covered in the following way.
Charles (the News Guy): And of course, residents of Greensburg, Kansas, are still trying to get their lives back in order after that horrendous tornado over the weekend.
Imus: What’s our idiot president doing about it?
Charles: Well, I-Man, on Monday, President Bush actually declared Greensburg a major disaster area, entitling the area to massive federal funding.
Imus: Oh really? Isn’t that interesting. How long do you think it would have taken that moron to declare Greensburg a major disaster area if a bunch of brothers and sisters lived there instead of a bunch of white people?
Charles: Umm, I’m not sure what you’re getting at, I-Man.
Imus: Well, we all know those poor bastards in New Orleans didn’t get help right after Katrina because they were a bunch of poor black folk. So given that, why do you think that imbecile in the White House acted so quickly on this?
Charles: Well, I suspect he learned a lot from Katrina and understands the value of reacting quickly in these types of situations.
Imus: Or maybe he reacted quickly because this natural disaster involved a bunch of white people.
And no, I don’t think Imus would have covered the story this way because of the Rutgers basketball team incident. I think he would have covered the story this way because that’s how he would have covered it. I hope he comes back soon. My Tivo is fairly worthless these days.
Posted by fool at 01:14 AM | Comments (4)May 08, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You...
Disturbia
The Gist: A judge sentences an emotionally troubled teenager to a few months of house arrest after the kid punches his Spanish teacher in the face. (The Spanish teacher was a total douche bag and deserved to be punched.) As a result of his home confinement, the teen becomes quite the little voyeur. With the aid of his trusty pair of binoculars and incredibly amusing Asian friend, he starts watching all the neighbors – the boring neighbors, the very hot neighbor girl, and the neighbor whom he suspects of being a serial killer. “Hmm, an actual serial killer or not a serial killer...” that, is the question.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing, with the possible exception of another scene of the teen watching his hot neighbor. In truth, I can’t think of anything that would have made this movie better. It was brilliant from start to finish, funny, scary, with a hint of romance too!
Who Should See This: People who do not like “scary” movies should avoid this one because there are definitely some “scream-worthy” moments. For the rest of you bastards, as Hannibal Lecter told Clarice Sterling, “GO NOW!” (to a theater that is, not to check on Hester Mofet!)
The Verdict: A.
May 07, 2007
The Belly Doesn't Appreciate False Advertising
Have you tried Wendy’s “4-Alarm Spicy Chicken Sandwich?” Well, I have, and you know what I think? BULLSHIT! That’s what! If that sandwich is “4-Alarm” spicy, then my urine smells like a rose garden after I eat asparagus (and generally at any other random time too for that matter).
May 03, 2007
R.I.P., Czar of Human Resources. R.I.P.
On Monday, I sent a note to a former boss trying to reestablish contact. I had emailed him late last week, but his email address was no longer valid. This didn't alarm me too much because, well, Bill Gates this man was not! When I received a call from his number last night, I got excited, thinking he had received my letter and wanted to talk. Instead, it was his brother, informing me that my former boss passed away nearly 18 months ago. It's so strange to think I just assumed he had been living all that time. He wasn't a friend, but certainly was someone with whom I was friendly. Strangely, I wrote about him a few weeks after his death assuming he was alive. I actually emailed him that entry, but obviously never heard back from him. He would have really liked it. I've reproduced it for you.
**********
In college, I served as the editor of a local trucking company’s intra-office newsletter. It was a great part-time gig, especially for a college kid, and I made some pretty interesting friends, not to mention excellent cash! I also met some horrid human beings, including “Medusa,” the executive assistant to the company’s president. Medusa was the type of person who had the most insincere fake smile imaginable. You know the type. She was the type of person who would flash you a smile while she plunged an ice pick in the back of your skull. As I said, you know the type.
Medusa: (Tracking me down in the hallway) "Fool, I’m glad I found you. I’m very upset with you.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) Oh great. I’ve heard about this woman. Let the verbal sodomy session begin.
Medusa: “I want to know why you didn’t include a picture of [name of some lady] in the latest newsletter. You included a picture of a different employee, but not of [name of some lady].”
Thinking Fool: “Well, the picture you sent me of your friend was in a really weird format. It wasn’t a jpeg or gif or even a bmp. For whatever reason, the size of the file was enormous and our publishing program didn’t have enough memory to actually include the file in the document and still print it successfully. It literally stalled the printer. Since we were on deadline, I included a picture of a different employee, but if you’ll send me another picture in a better format, I’ll be happy to include your friend in the next issue.”
Medusa: (Peering into my eyes like she was looking into my soul) “I just think it’s absolutely horrible what you did. You should feel ashamed. This woman’s been with the company for thirty years and you didn’t even have the decency to include her in the company newsletter. I think that’s awful.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) How can a person be with a company for thirty years when the company has only existed for ten? (Saying) “Well, Medusa, it’s not that I didn’t feel she was worth mentioning. I just couldn’t get the picture to work.”
Medusa: “You should be ashamed. That’s all I have to say. I’m going to talk to the company president about this.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) This lady's fucking crazy.I hope she doesn't try to kick me in my testicles.(Saying) “Ok. Well, as I said, if you have a correctly-formatted picture, I’ll be happy to include your friend in the next newsletter.”
Medusa: “No, it’s too late for that. I’ve said what I wanted to say.”
Thinking Fool: “Ok. Again I’m sorrythat you're such a wretched creature!"
About an hour later, I had my daily meeting with my boss, who was, without a doubt, the best boss I ever had and ever will have.
Thinking Fool: “Boss, Medusa chewed me out today for not including a picture of her friend in the latest newsletter. She said she’s going to talk to [the company president] about it.”
Thinking Fool’s Boss: “Fool, she's a total cunt. Don't worry about her."
Thinking Fool: “Umm, are you sure?"
Thinking Fool’s Boss: “I'm sure she's a cunt, and I'm sure you shouldn't worry about her. (Two second pause) Hey, have you seen any good movies lately? I'm thinking about seeing something this weekend."
What a boss!
******
Rest in peace, Chris. Rest in peace.
Posted by fool at 01:51 AM | Comments (4)May 02, 2007
What's Next, the Terrible Twos?
A very happy second birthday to the Thinking Fool! After two years, 356 postings, and 1,410 comments, it's time to lavish praise. :-)
Posted by fool at 12:50 AM | Comments (6)