June 28, 2007
Dear Fool
Dear Brokenhearted Mom,
Jack Kevorkian is out of prison. Do us all a huge favor. Call him.
Your “dilemma” can’t possibly be real. If it is, then your letter is one of the most pathetic ones I’ve ever read. To recap, you have a crush on a 19-year-old coworker and aren’t even woman enough to bang him on your own? Instead, you’re trying to get your daughter to bang him, and at the tender age of 17 to boot? What is wrong with you?
Oh yes, I realize you wrote that “it is not sexual,” but if that’s the dung you’re trying to sell, I got news for you, sister; ain’t nobody buying. It’s blatantly obvious that you want to play a fun little game of “Don’t you dare pull your thing out of me until it’s exploding like a firecracker on the Fourth of July!”
Instead of trying to live vicariously through your daughter, you ought to think about visiting a costume store, buying a gimmick that allows you to dress up like a cow, and sauntering over to your local slaughterhouse. Just say “moo” a few times and everything ought to work out perfectly.
Let me know how it turns out,
Thinking Fool
June 26, 2007
Supreme Court Justices: The Bad Photo Takers
Supreme Court justices have never proven masters at posing for group photos. To the contrary, there are always at least a few justices who look at anything but the camera. The current crop is no different.
Ever wonder what they’re thinking about? Here are my best guesses.
Kennedy: “I really, really like being the most powerful judge in America.”
Stevens: “At my age, I’m glad I can still appreciate a rack like that!”
Roberts: “I'm going to look over here because I have a feeling that's what John Marshall would do.”
Scalia: “WOW! Thank God she doesn’t clerk for Clarence!”
Souter: “I wonder if a vagina really feels as good as everyone says.”
Breyer: “Clarence is such a sick fuck.”
Thomas: “Ha, ha, Stephen. You can try to deny it all you want, but I know I've got you wondering whether Roberts has a bigger cock than Rehnquist, don't I?”
Ginsburg: “I'd convert to Christianity if it'd bring Sandra back.”
Alito: “For crying out loud, woman or not, if Ruth pinches me one more time, I’m going to smack her. It's bad enough that Souter keeps telling me that he likes that I'm standing behind him. What the hell's wrong with these people?”
If you like this entry, you'll LOVE this one. You'll also probably like this one and this one!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (9)June 25, 2007
Text Messaging Fun
When I was clearing out a bunch of text messages recently, I stumbled across a few that made me laugh. They are not remotely appropriate, so stop reading now if you have sensitive eyes.
Thinking Fool (to Coworker #1 via text message): [Young Douche Bag Attorney] and [Random Female Attorney at My Governmental Agency] went to the Nationals game last night. Do you think he fucked her?
Coworker #1 (to me via text message): Not in the vag.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
At a going-away happy hour for the Boss’ Former Secretary, the Boss’ Former Secretary’s niece showed up with a really strange looking person.
Thinking Fool (to Coworker #2 via text message): [Her Niece] has some weird fucking friends.
Coworker #2 (to me via text message): Was that a guy or a girl?
Thinking Fool (to Coworker #2 via text message): I have no idea. I just know I didn’t want to fuck it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
At one point my family had a gardener/lawn care dude who happened to be married to a very physically unappealing woman.
Sister Fool (to me via text message): Did you ever get a boner when you saw [Gardener’s wife] hanging up those Easter eggs from the tree in the backyard?
Thinking Fool (to Sister Fool via text message): No.
Sister Fool (to me via text message): Liar.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lest you people think I’m a bigger degenerate than I actually am, the following was also in my outbox.
Thinking Fool (to Mama Fool via text message): You are the best mom EVER. I love you.
Of course, she wrote back that she wishes she would have aborted me, but what can you do? (That was a joke.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Papa Fool doesn’t use text messaging. If he did, I imagine we’d have an exchange that’d go something like this.
Papa Fool (to me via text message): I swam 3 miles today.
Thinking Fool (to Papa Fool via text message): Freestyle?
Papa Fool (to me via text message): Yes.
Thinking Fool (to Papa Fool via text message): That’s too bad. If you swam backstroke and wore a Speedo, everyone could see how big your cock is.
Papa Fool (to me via text message): I’m proud of you, son.
Clearly the Senate will never confirm me for anything.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (3)June 20, 2007
"Those Sons-of-Bitches Insulted Our Religion Again. I know, Let's Burn Something!"
The Religion of Peace’s followers are once again proving themselves a peaceful bunch these days.
First, some background...
In 1988, Salman Rushdie wrote The Satanic Verses, a novel inspired in part by the life of Muhammad (the peaceful prophet, not Muhammad Ali, the boxer). Muhammad the prophet is the one you can’t draw, speak poorly about, etc., unless you want to be stabbed or spark a riot in the peaceful Middle East (not that sparking a riot in the Middle East is necessarily the hardest thing to do these days).
As a result of the novel’s release, the ever peaceful Ayatollah Khomeini (a.k.a. the man whose plane should never have been allowed to land when it flew him back to Iran from Paris, a.k.a. “Exhibit A” as to why the Middle East should have a gigantic retractable dome built around it) issued a, can you guess? Do you know the word? Yes, you got it! Congratulations. A FATWA, boys and girls! Kho-nut-job issued a peaceful fatwa calling for the death of Rushdie because Rushdie insulted Islam. Heaven forbid anyone do that! After all, it’s such a peaceful religion, especially as practiced in much of the Middle East.
Fast forward a couple decades. Somehow Rushdie is still alive despite a bunch of crazy nut-jobs thinking God wants them to kill him.
Last week, the Queen (yes, that silly old lady with all the neat hats) knighted Rushdie for his services to literature (and perhaps even for his services to her in another department as well, but that’s pure speculation on my part). This sparked, surprise, surprise, massive rioting throughout part of the peaceful Muslim world.
Look at these nice, peaceful Pakastani men burning effigies of Rushdie. 
Is there an official effigy maker? If so, that son-of-a-bitch is busier than a tube of K-Y jelly in the showers at San Quentin.
Of course, what’s a good-old-fashioned peaceful debate about values and religion without a flag or two being torched as well?! Bye, bye, Union Jack, hello peaceful flame!
(Is it just me, or does anyone else think you could make a ton of money operating a chain of Middle Eastern stores that only sell Israeli, British, and American flags? With as many flags as these idiots torch, well, you get the point.)
And of course, then you have this pack of peaceful future Nobel Prize winners with their neat sign informing us that the BIGGEST EVIL in the World is Salman Rushdie being called “Sir.”
That’s right. The biggest evil in the ENTIRE WORLD is certainly not head-chopping-off nut-jobs, diseased-ravaged continents, or world poverty; it’s one man, with whom a bunch of men in funny outfits disagree, being called “Sir.”
It'd be pretty funny if it weren't so damn scary.
Photo Credits go to: AFP/Nicholas Roberts, AFP/Sameed Qureshi, AFP/Farooq Naeem, AFP/Asif Hassan, Mohsin Raza/Reuters, REUTERS/Asim Tanveer
Posted by fool at 12:13 AM | Comments (11)June 11, 2007
An Open Letter to Whoever is in Charge at NASA
Dear Whoever is in Charge at NASA,
Last week, Bob Barker taped his final episode as host of The Price is Right. Before you start thinking that this is as relevant to NASA as a study chronicling the percentage of people who shave the area surrounding their genitals, let me explain.
You currently have an engineer working for you named "M.D." According to the Associated Press, M.D. flew from Houston to California to attend Barker’s final taping. That, in and of itself, is not remotely problematic. After all, people fly to lots of places for lots of reasons, some good, some not so good. Some fly to foreign countries to fondle children. (Not good.) Others fly to local destinations for family reunions. (Good.) Some fly across the country to take bar exams. (Good, even if it doesn’t feel good at the time.) And still, some fly to neighboring states to get rectal examinations from trusted physicians. (Good, unless the trusted physician uses a fist (or wrench) when he should use a finger, in which case, I’d be skeptical about remaining trusting.)
What is problematic is what M.D. told the Associated Press. He said, “I'd rather win a couch from Bob Barker than a million dollars from Howie Mandel.”
Let me repeat that. He’d “rather win a couch from Bob Barker than a million dollars from Howie Mandel.”
In the words of GE Friend, "Ummmmmmmmmmmm!" Bob Barker is a very likeable man, but at this juncture, he has 83-year-old testicles. Although that’s not remotely relevant to the purpose of this letter, I think it’s a fact worth throwing out just to keep things real.
The point is you have a man working for you who should be incredibly logical, smart, etc., but who appears to be a complete idiot. Please terminate his employment immediately so we have a chance against China.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Thinking Fool
June 08, 2007
For Some Idiotic Reason, Still Playing at Some Theaters...
Blades of Glory
The Gist: Will Ferrell plays a womanizing famous figure skater. The kid from Napoleon Dynamite plays an uptight, effeminate famous figure skater. A few years after both are banned for life from the idiotic sport, they discover a loophole that allows them to compete as partners in whatever the hell you call it when two figure skaters compete with each other instead of against each other. (If you’re a big figure skating fan and are offended by my lack of knowledge and disdain for the sport, blow me.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: The only thing that would have made this movie better is if they had never made it. Put it this way, I would rather have diarrhea for eighteen consecutive days (I draw the line at day nineteen) than sit through this film. It was absolutely dreadful from start to finish. Just to give you some context, do you have any idea how many rolls of toilet paper you’d go through if you had diarrhea for eighteen consecutive days? Seriously, think about it. I’m not exactly certain, but I bet you’d go through two twelve-packs easily. Plus, your butt would be so chapped that it’d look like you spent a week having a cow lick your brown-eye every other hour while you took breaks from sweating profusely aboard the stationary bike. If you love shoving Desitin up your crack, maybe this image makes you giddy. For me, not so much.
Who Should See This: Only your enemies.
The Verdict: Absolutely dreadful. F.
June 06, 2007
Conversations/Thoughts at Work
My agency is divided into ten major sections, which basically means there are ten major bosses roaming around. The other day one of the major bosses saw me in the hallway.
Not My Boss, But a Major Boss: Fool, it doesn't look like you've shaved this week.
Thinking Fool: That's because I haven't.
Not My Boss, But a Major Boss: Why not?
Thinking Fool:Posted by fool at 09:07 AM | Comments (4)Why don't you mind your own fucking business. I didn't ask you whether you fucked your husband before the two of you got married last year. I haven't asked you whether you and the other bosses at this place have rolled around on the conference table downstairs. I haven't asked you about your shaving habits.I just haven't felt like it.Do you shave every single day?
June 04, 2007
More Random Monday Musings...
In the movie Extreme Measures (which is horrible, by the way), Gene Hackman (a rather ambitious doctor) asks Hugh Grant (a rather ethical doctor), "If you could cure cancer by killing one person, wouldn't you have to do that?" Given that Larry Flynt is offering one million dollars to anyone who can provide proof of an illicit sexual encounter with a high-ranking government official, in the spirit of Gene Hackman's character, "If you could earn a million dollars by sleeping with one high-ranking government official, wouldn't you have to do that?" I bet some on the Hill will be going into hyper "sleep with me" mode first thing this morning!
How come they never ask any of the kids to spell "vagina" during the spelling bee? How awesome would that be? I'd ask them to repeat the word (slowly), give me its origin, use it in a sentence, etc.
Pronouncer: Vagina.
Thinking Fool: Vadge-eena?
Pronouncer: Vuh-jine-uh.
Thinking Fool: Is it sometimes referred to as "The Love Canal?"
Pronouncer: (Whispering to neighbor) How the hell did this kid make it this far?
Governor Richardson has to be feeling really good these days given Larry Flynt's above-mentioned offer. I don't learn a lot of gossip living in Washington, but Richardson definitely has a reputation for playing "Let me put my burrito in your [pink] taco." At least, that's what I've heard from two people who are well connected. Of course, I've also heard Parker Brothers is developing a Board Game based on the "Burrito in the Taco" craze that is sweeping the nation.
And to think, I really am an attorney.
Posted by fool at 12:11 AM | Comments (5)June 01, 2007
Maybe Next Week It'll tell us Not to Travel to a Toxic Waste Dump
Yesterday, the State Department warned U.S. citizens against traveling to Iran. In the spirit of providing equally helpful advice, I’d like to warn all male readers against taking an ice pick and puncturing your testicles with it. (Female readers, I apologize, but you’re on your own!)
My sincere apologies to anyone who must cancel a summer vacation to Tehran in lieu of the State Department's warning. I extend even more heartfelt apologies to you for being a complete idiot (for having a trip scheduled in the first place).
Am I the only one who gets the sense that we're living in a world where the Mad Hatter and the March Hare are running things?
Posted by fool at 01:41 AM | Comments (6)