July 25, 2007
From Calling Fouls to Calling Home from the Big House
Even though I watch very few NBA games each year, I find myself captivated by the Tim Donaghy scandal. The notion that an NBA referee was betting on and fixing games is, well, just incredibly interesting to me. Although it would be bad for the sport, I really hope some other referees get caught up in this mess. That would be SUCH a phenomenal news story! (Once I get tired with this law stuff, I’m going to try to weasel my way into journalism.)
Reading everything I can read about the crooked referee has caused me to think of two things. First, shouldn’t someone start a “Tim Donaghy” ghoul pool? To be more specific, given the recent threats against Donaghy’s life (some undoubtedly coming from his buddies in the mafia), it seems appropriate to have a “guess when Tim dies” contest. Donaghy was profiting on games, so we might as well profit on his death (if he dies), yes? It’d be like our own little life insurance policy, only different. (I hope it is obvious that I don't actually want anything bad to happen to this guy, at least not when it comes to being physically injured.) Second, as some of you know, I dabble in officiating from time to time and have even blogged about it. So if you missed the following post from March 2006, enjoy. I’ve added some notes in brackets.
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Refereeing basketball games is something I’ve done off and on since college and unlike my current full-time job, it’s something I wish I could do on a daily basis. [Fortunately, the current full-time job will soon be a former full-time job! I still loathe the substantive work as much as I did on days one, two, fifty-five, etc!] Thus, when an opportunity recently arose to referee some intramural basketball games, I jumped at the chance. (I didn’t literally jump, but if you needed clarification on that point, to quote Papa Fool, “You’re an idiot.”)
So there I was on Monday night refereeing an intramural basketball game between two law school teams. In other words, there were more egos in that gym than sexually transmitted diseases in Venice Beach.
In the middle of the second half, an offensive player drove to the lane and fell to the ground after a defender (Green Six) bumped into him. Thus, I blew my whistle, raised my arm to indicate that I was calling a foul, and told the scorer to charge a foul to “Green Six.” Sounds reasonable, yes? Well, not according to Green Six! That happened to be his fifth foul (meaning he was done for the game) and he was about as pleased with that fact as O.J. Simpson was when he tried to decapitate his ex-wife. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – how O.J. Simpson is still alive is absolutely bewildering to me.) [Am I the only one who thinks this?]
Green Six: (In a voice that even Helen Keller could hear) THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK!
Fortunately, unlike O.J., Green Six didn’t have a knife. Unfortunately, my partner was quicker than I was and assessed a technical foul before I could! (Yes, I’ll admit, calling technical fouls is part of the fun of refereeing.)
As Green Six threw his jersey to the ground and began walking off the court and out of the gym, he continued to express a rather strong dissatisfaction with the call.
Green Six: (Still in his Paul Bunyan voice) YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST FUCKING REFS I’VE EVER SEEN! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!
Bet you can’t guess what happened? Oh sure you can – technical foul #2, this time it came courtesy of me!
When we administered the technical free throws (2 for each technical foul), one of the charming lad’s teammates seemed confused about why so many free throws were being shot. After all, it’s rare to see four free throws back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Thinking Fool: Well, your teammate got his first technical for dropping the F-bomb. And then he got his second one for asking me to suck his dick. This may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t want to suck his dick.
I can’t speak on behalf of my refereeing partner, but I’m pretty sure he also had no interest in performing fellatio on Green Six. Maybe he’ll give us another opportunity at a future game. [I bet good ol’ Tim Donaghy will have plenty of opportunities to practice performing fellatio in the next few years. I don’t know if he enjoys homosexual sex, but his wife ought to think about buying him a big tube of KY Jelly because he better get used to it!]
Posted by fool at 12:05 AM | Comments (7)July 24, 2007
Random Tuesday Thoughts
I miss Coworker #1 and Coworker #2. Coworker #1 left my current place of employment several months ago, and Coworker #2 departed in May. We still see each other a lot (usually for lunch), but I miss being able to stroll to their offices to laugh, vent, fondle their testicles, you know, the usual things you do with coworkers.
I’ve only watched one session thus far, but British Prime Minister Gordon Brown seems quite impressive fielding questions from members of the British House of Commons. It always amazes me how boisterous and rude British lawmakers are! Makes for good television if you’ve never watched – C-Span, Sunday nights!
I hope Newt and Al run for President. It’d make the race much more interesting. Mayor Bloomberg also ought to take a shot at living at the White House (though he’d probably buy a multi-million dollar palace in Georgetown so he didn’t have to slum it up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue).
Campbell Brown left NBC over the weekend. She is scheduled to host what will probably be a weeknight show on CNN. Mark my words, her show will be a complete failure (at least from a ratings perspective). Sometimes I wonder how television personalites develop such warped perspectives of themselves. Do people really think Brown has any shot of becoming a ratings titan at CNN? They shouldn’t because she doesn’t.
My grandfather died on this day 14 years ago. He was a very good man who raised an exceptionally amazing daughter. You know how there are certain people who have a positive effect on almost everyone they meet? Well, that’s my mom. If I am ever half the person she is, I will be quite pleased.
Speaking of the world, do you think religion has resulted in more good things or more bad things happening on our planet? I think it’d be really interesting to know what a world with no religion would look like. I have no idea if it’d be better or worse or even different. But it'd be interesting to know, wouldn't it?
Finally, good luck to all bar exam takers. As noted in February of 2006, even if you think day one was a disaster, you can always take some inspiration from Kobe Bryant and sodomize the exam on day two!
Posted by fool at 12:32 AM | Comments (6)July 23, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
1408
The Gist: John Cusack’s character writes book about his adventures staying at “haunted hotels” across the country. Cusack believes in ghosts and haunted things about as much as I believe in O.J. Simpson’s innocence. However, it doesn't take long for Cusack to becomes a big believer in all things spooky once he spends a little time in Room 1408 at the Dolphin Hotel in New York City! (You would become a believer too because, well put it this way, “There’s some funky shit going down in that room, and it’s got nothing to do with sex.”) Samuel Jackson plays the manager of the Dolphin, and much to my surprise, he didn’t completely overact in this movie. To the contrary, he actually played his role quite well and refrained from his typical random shouting sessions.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I really don’t know. I can’t think of specific things; I just know it wasn’t great. I enjoyed one female audience member’s comment when she saw Cusack trying to keep warm on the floor after the haunted room lowered the temperature to sub-freezing levels. “Oh, he must have hemorrhoids!” A bit of a non-sequitur, but amusing!
Who Should See This: If you generally like the fascinating, warped mind of Stephen King, take a peek! However, The Shining is a much better haunted hotel film.
The Verdict: Much like this review, the movie isn’t great. Unlike this review, the film is somewhat entertaining. C+
Sicko
The Gist: In his latest “documentary,” Michael Moore takes on the American healthcare system, chronicling its inequities while praising the Canadian, French, and Cuban systems! As usual, Moore cherry picks evidence to make his case, but he definitely makes you think about the American system and whether we should embrace universal health care. I really don’t know if we should or shouldn’t. Do you?
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not much! I thought it was really well done, and I’m hardly a Moore-sympathizer on a ton of issues. I also don’t eat as much food as he does, but that's not really relevant.
Who Should See This: I think this is the second best Moore film. (I rank them as follows: 1. Bowling for Columbine. 2. Sicko. 3. Roger and Me. 4. Fahrenheit 911. 5. The Big One.) If you like any of his other stuff or are just really interested in health care issues, you should definitely venture to your nearest theater (but only if the theater is actually showing this movie; otherwise, it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense for you to go to the local theater).
The Verdict: A-
July 17, 2007
From the Things I wish I would have Said File...
Picture it, RFK Stadium (home of the Washington Nationals), a random men’s bathroom...
I’m doing my thing at one of the urinals and notice the man standing to my right checking out my manhood. (God blessed me with incredibly good peripheral vision.)
The man continues to check me out for at least a few seconds.
Thinking Fool: Well, if you’re going to just stand there and stare, don’t you think you ought to have at least some common courtesy and offer to suck it?
I was scared he might have said yes.
Posted by fool at 12:23 AM | Comments (9)Bar Exam Anyone?
There seem to be quite a few bar exam takers who read this site. Thus, this one's for you guys.
It’s a Monday night in late July. You’re holed up in a hotel room praying like you’ve never prayed before. For the last twelve hours, you’ve been an absolute basket case. You’re not sure what a death row inmate feels like in the days leading up to his execution, but you can’t imagine it’s much worse than how you feel now. You’ve had trouble eating recently, but today has been especially difficult. As soon as you glance over at the room clock, you can feel the beads of sweat starting to build on your forehead.
“It is really true?” you wonder. “Do I only have ten more hours before this damn thing begins?”
You’ve had an entire summer to learn the information, but for whatever reason, you find yourself pacing frantically in your room, wondering how the hell you can possibly pass. You check the alarm clock for what must be the twentieth time. You set the alarm on your phone just in case and leave the ringer on, hoping like hell that one of your idiot friends doesn’t call you in the middle of the night.
You take a pill out of its case and swallow it with the aid of some overpriced bottled water. You let out a huge sigh before resting your head on the pillow. Before you close your eyes, you stare straight at the ceiling and actually say, “Please let me sleep tonight, God. Please.” You’ve had more contact with the man upstairs in the last twelve hours than you’ve had in the last twelve years. A used car lot hasn’t seen as much bargaining as your room.
You stand up and check the alarm clock again. It still looks like it’s in perfect working order. You wonder if you should turn off your phone. If the alarm clock doesn’t work, the wake-up call should. “Oh the hell with it,” you think. “Better safe than sorry.”
For the next fifteen minutes, your mind is racing faster than Mario Andretti. “Does he even race anymore?” you wonder. “I’d love to be a racecar driver.”
Your thoughts continue to be sporadic, yet slow down in pace. Ah, yes. The Ambien is finally starting to kick in. Within minutes, you’ll be asleep for good.
You've never been this nervous. Why can't you have one extra day?
Welcome to the night before day one of the bar exam.
BAD NEWS: If you're taking the July bar exam, you're going to have a rough night next Monday.
GOOD NEWS: Rough night aside, you can definitely pass!
BETTER NEWS: Even if you've fallen way behind this summer, there's still one week to absorb a ton of information. Use this week to ensure that you pass! Make sure you read every essay in your Bar/Bri book as well as every answer. That simple exercise will help tremendously. Don't freak out on test day. You don't have to be perfect! You can do this!
BEST NEWS: You can save a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (5)July 16, 2007
Monday Musings
Over the weekend, Jim Gilmore ended his bid to win the 2008 Republican Presidential nomination. In equally important news, I urinated and pooped yesterday.
Somehow I missed this last week, but it appears that Charlie Sheen is engaged. I realize this isn’t a perfect comparison by any stretch, but isn’t that kind of like a woman deciding she wants to marry O.J. Simpson? Sheen’s fiancee is beautiful too, so it’s not like she’s one of these loser women who has to seek out a relationship with a death row inmate because she can’t do any better. Some things I just don't get! In any event, here’s to hoping they’ll be happy. More importantly, here’s to hoping they do not breed.
Am I the only one who was shocked that Lady Bird Johnson was still alive prior to her death last week? Turns out LBJ proposed to her on their first date. She said no to marriage that night. It’s unclear whether she said no to everything else that evening.
Finally, if you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
Posted by fool at 12:29 AM | Comments (4)July 12, 2007
There Needs to be a Pamphlet to Explain to People How they should Use the "Reply All" Button
Yesterday, one of my agency’s managers sent the entire agency the following email:
It is with great sadness that I report the passing of John Doe. John passed away last night. He was one of the first employees at our agency and leaves behind a wife and young daughter.
Tomorrow a group of us will take food and any items we identify today as immediate needs of his family. If you are interested in helping, please contact Debbie Doe.
As soon as I have any additional information regarding arrangements, I will let you know.
Thanks—Dave
That prompted one of the agency’s secretaries to send the following email to everyone at the agency.
Dave,
My thoughts and prayers go out to John's family and everyone at the agency at this very sad time. Few knew or appreciated how hard John battled complications from Diabetes -- a testament to his strength and determination. I will miss him very much.
Edna
For some strange reason, it wasn’t enough for one person to “reply all” to Dave’s email. Instead, another secretary chimed in.
Dave,
Very sad!!!!! All John talked about was retiring, now he won't be able to retire.
Live every day as if it were your last. Life is unpredictable and precious.
Sincerely,
Judy
P.S. I will call to see what his family needs and how I can help.
I figured since I’m almost done with this gig, I'd hit the "reply all" button too.
Has anyone seen a red toothbrush? I bought a new one over the weekend and brought it in yesterday, but I’ll be damned if I can find it today. Thanks in advance for any info.
Fool
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (8)July 09, 2007
Well, She'll have a Very Interesting "Truth" if She Ever Plays "Two Truths and a Lie."
In case you missed it, last week, a Florida girl was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, speeding, reckless endangerment, and leaving the scene of an accident after she allegedly drove drunk for miles along a highway at speeds up to 100 mph.
The girl is 11 years old, and no, that's not a typo.
Two observations.
First, this young lady must have fabulous parents. I realize parents can’t completely keep kids from getting in trouble no matter how awesome they are. However, if you’ve raised an 11-year-old kid who drives drunk at 100 mph, I think it’s pretty safe to say you’ve failed as a parent.
Second, the odds of this girl getting through her freshman year of high school without giving birth to a child have got to be even lower than the odds of my not taking a dump at work this week, yes?
Posted by fool at 08:57 AM | Comments (8)July 06, 2007
She Drives me Crazy (and NOT in a Good Way)
Interns can be really great or not so great. Agree?
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): The intern wants me to review her latest draft and offer feedback.
Coworker #3 (Via Instant Message): And?
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): Specifically, she emailed me the following: "This is the 3rd draft of a memorandum. It incorporates some of your comments and is still in rough form."
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): Now, my first question is why the fuck do I want to review anything from an intern that is in "rough" form, especially when I already looked at this assignment last week for about an hour and provided at least two pages of substantial feedback.
Coworker #3 (Via Instant Message): I thought you liked this intern.
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): She's nice, but is irritating me.
Coworker #3 (Via Instant Message): Coworker #4 loves her.
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): Then why can't she bypass me completely and always go to him?
Coworker #3 (Via Instant Message): Because that’d be less fun for you, don’t you think? ;-)
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): Let me quickly summarize the comments I wrote on her previous draft.
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): I basically pleaded with her to: (1) READ THE FUCKING EMAIL I SENT YOU A WEEK AGO THAT PROVIDED TIPS ON HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CORRECTLY; IT ISN’T A VERY LONG EMAIL, BUT DOES CONTAIN VALUABLE INFORMATION THAT, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DIDN’T TYPE FOR MY HEALTH; (2) CHECK THE CASE NUMBERS before you're done printing and giving me stuff to review. I know this is shocking, but we want the case numbers to match the names of the people assigned those numbers. Yours often don't match. Here's the URL where you can find this information. Obviously you aren't quick enough to figure out how to get the info from the shortcut on your desktop; (3) STOP giving me shit with the same errors over and over and over again. You’ve been here long enough that these errors should no longer be happening – these aren’t substantive errors; they’re things you’ll catch if you actually proofread stuff before giving it to me; (4) Have a very nice, delightful day. Oh, and one more thing. FUCK YOU!
Coworker #3 (Via Instant Message): Did you actually write that?
Thinking Fool (Via Instant Message): Yes, but in a very nice way.
Remember the song that the scarecrow sang in The Wizard of Oz? Well, somebody do me a favor and PLAY IT!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (5)July 03, 2007
I Really Like My New Doctor. I Just Wish He Liked Me.
Last week, I decided it was time to get an annual physical, especially considering that I haven’t had one in about five years. Much to my dismay, the doctor didn’t touch my testicles. In fact, he didn't even come close to grazing them. Is there an appropriate way to let him know he hurt my feelings? This reminds me of high school all over again.
Posted by fool at 01:05 AM | Comments (6)July 02, 2007
What Would Have Happened if I had Bigger Guts (or "Nuts" if that's your preference)
On a recent trip to the supermarket, I noticed a young man looking at various condom boxes. When he reached to grab a box, I quickly exclaimed, “Oh come on! Who the hell are you trying to kid?”
Posted by fool at 01:00 AM | Comments (3)