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July 25, 2007
From Calling Fouls to Calling Home from the Big House
Even though I watch very few NBA games each year, I find myself captivated by the Tim Donaghy scandal. The notion that an NBA referee was betting on and fixing games is, well, just incredibly interesting to me. Although it would be bad for the sport, I really hope some other referees get caught up in this mess. That would be SUCH a phenomenal news story! (Once I get tired with this law stuff, I’m going to try to weasel my way into journalism.)
Reading everything I can read about the crooked referee has caused me to think of two things. First, shouldn’t someone start a “Tim Donaghy” ghoul pool? To be more specific, given the recent threats against Donaghy’s life (some undoubtedly coming from his buddies in the mafia), it seems appropriate to have a “guess when Tim dies” contest. Donaghy was profiting on games, so we might as well profit on his death (if he dies), yes? It’d be like our own little life insurance policy, only different. (I hope it is obvious that I don't actually want anything bad to happen to this guy, at least not when it comes to being physically injured.) Second, as some of you know, I dabble in officiating from time to time and have even blogged about it. So if you missed the following post from March 2006, enjoy. I’ve added some notes in brackets.
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Refereeing basketball games is something I’ve done off and on since college and unlike my current full-time job, it’s something I wish I could do on a daily basis. [Fortunately, the current full-time job will soon be a former full-time job! I still loathe the substantive work as much as I did on days one, two, fifty-five, etc!] Thus, when an opportunity recently arose to referee some intramural basketball games, I jumped at the chance. (I didn’t literally jump, but if you needed clarification on that point, to quote Papa Fool, “You’re an idiot.”)
So there I was on Monday night refereeing an intramural basketball game between two law school teams. In other words, there were more egos in that gym than sexually transmitted diseases in Venice Beach.
In the middle of the second half, an offensive player drove to the lane and fell to the ground after a defender (Green Six) bumped into him. Thus, I blew my whistle, raised my arm to indicate that I was calling a foul, and told the scorer to charge a foul to “Green Six.” Sounds reasonable, yes? Well, not according to Green Six! That happened to be his fifth foul (meaning he was done for the game) and he was about as pleased with that fact as O.J. Simpson was when he tried to decapitate his ex-wife. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – how O.J. Simpson is still alive is absolutely bewildering to me.) [Am I the only one who thinks this?]
Green Six: (In a voice that even Helen Keller could hear) THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK!
Fortunately, unlike O.J., Green Six didn’t have a knife. Unfortunately, my partner was quicker than I was and assessed a technical foul before I could! (Yes, I’ll admit, calling technical fouls is part of the fun of refereeing.)
As Green Six threw his jersey to the ground and began walking off the court and out of the gym, he continued to express a rather strong dissatisfaction with the call.
Green Six: (Still in his Paul Bunyan voice) YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST FUCKING REFS I’VE EVER SEEN! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!
Bet you can’t guess what happened? Oh sure you can – technical foul #2, this time it came courtesy of me!
When we administered the technical free throws (2 for each technical foul), one of the charming lad’s teammates seemed confused about why so many free throws were being shot. After all, it’s rare to see four free throws back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Thinking Fool: Well, your teammate got his first technical for dropping the F-bomb. And then he got his second one for asking me to suck his dick. This may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t want to suck his dick.
I can’t speak on behalf of my refereeing partner, but I’m pretty sure he also had no interest in performing fellatio on Green Six. Maybe he’ll give us another opportunity at a future game. [I bet good ol’ Tim Donaghy will have plenty of opportunities to practice performing fellatio in the next few years. I don’t know if he enjoys homosexual sex, but his wife ought to think about buying him a big tube of KY Jelly because he better get used to it!]
Comments
Both OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson completely bewilder and terrify me.
Posted by: Harmless Error at July 25, 2007 09:18 PM
dude is innocent
Posted by: mike vick at July 26, 2007 06:06 PM
Hokay, I laughed my ass off at the Helen Keller reference! Am I going to Hell? If so, save me a seat ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at July 27, 2007 10:36 AM
We thought blowing the team would help us to win a championship. Boy were we wrong. We should have been dropping knee for the refs. Next year we win.
Posted by: leaf at July 27, 2007 12:19 PM
Does your boss ever read your blog? Would you care if he did? Do you want him to?
Posted by: Dan at July 27, 2007 06:45 PM
My boss does not know about my blog. Only two people at my current gig know about it. However, I will definitely share it with him when I leave, and I think he'll love it. We're tight like that!
Posted by: Fool at July 27, 2007 11:23 PM
Props on getting into the Express.
Posted by: Philosofer at July 28, 2007 06:58 PM
