August 30, 2007
He Just Doesn't Seem to have that Fatherly Instinct...
Every few months, I have the luxury of catching up with the Cigarette Peddler.
Thinking Fool: So where are you living these days?
Cigarette Peddler: I actually bought a house about a year ago. It’s a pretty nice place too. Problem is there are so many kids in my neighborhood, and I want to kill every single one of them.
Guess he shouldn’t open up a daycare. Frankly, I think it’s appropriate to add him to the list of people who should never procreate.
Posted by fool at 05:41 PM | Comments (3)August 28, 2007
Senator Craig, About those Rumors...
On June 11, Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for entering a Minneapolis airport bathroom in hopes of slipping his snake in a random man’s brown cave. (I realize that’s not exactly what was listed as the formal charge, but from all the stories that are circulating, it’s hard to challenge the notion that Senator Craig entered that bathroom hoping for anything other than, at a minimum, to partake in a good-old fashioned family values-driven game of Milk the Cow).
On August 8, Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge.
Yesterday, the press reported the story.
Here’s my question. Why did it take the press so long to report this? Senator Craig’s arrest took place more than two months ago and his conviction (yes, pleading guilty to a crime results in a “conviction”) occurred nearly three weeks ago. As Ricky might tell Lucy, “Press people, you got some ‘splaining to do!” Seriously! What the hell took so long? (By the way, to this day, a local Los Angeles television station runs I Love Lucy reruns. I’ve seen that show. It’s awful. There should be a consensus on this, yes?)
Senator Craig, of course, is publicly very anti-homosexual, preferring to have people think he’d rather go down on his wife than the vice president. (Dick Cheney did not return ThinkingFool.com’s repeated requests for a comment regarding how he’d react to a statement by Senator Craig expressing a strong desire to treat Vice President Cheney’s little soldier as a lollipop.)
Apparently after the officer arrested Craig for trying to engage in hanky panky in the restroom, the Senator gave the officer a business card and exclaimed, “What do you think about that?”
Although there is uncertainty regarding how the officer responded to Craig’s statement, is there any doubt about what his response should have been?
Officer: “Well, the fact that you’re a United States Senator changes everything!”
Senator Craig: “Oh really, why’s that?” (Smiling)
Officer: “Well, you’re in a hell of a lot more trouble than I originally thought!” (Smiling a bigger smile!)
The moral of the story? If, in public, you’re vehemently anti homosexuality, do your best to refrain from trying to suck random strangers’ cocks in airport bathrooms, unless you're a woman, and then just make sure you run as a Democrat.
Posted by fool at 03:46 AM | Comments (6)August 26, 2007
Bye bye Job, Hello Golf!
Papa Fool always knows how to make you feel better if you have a particularly rough round on the golf course.
Thinking Fool: What did I shoot?
Papa Fool: I don't know. I don't have a calculator.
A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work! This is especially true knowing that I never have to go back (as an employee) to my first post-law school place of employment! Words cannot describe how much I hated what I was doing. (The experience was made tolerable by some awesome coworkers and a super awesome boss!)
In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, [I] am free at last!" Now let's go get a bite to eat. (Anyone know the latter reference?)
Posted by fool at 12:48 PM | Comments (7)August 16, 2007
Going the Bathroom Has Never Been So Much Fun!
One of the employees at my agency is a middle-aged, cranky, stubborn, yet sweet man who happens to weigh about 350 pounds. Needless to say, he’s not in great health. In fact, every time the elevator doors open and he’s not lying on the ground dead of a massive coronary, it’s somewhat surprising (and most would say relieving too!).
The few times I’ve had the fortune of being in the bathroom with this man when he hasn’t realized that I’m in the bathroom with him have been very entertaining. Put it this way, when he’s sitting on the pot and doesn’t know someone else is in there, it’s like a one-man show (and not an off-Broadway production either; we’re talking the real deal!).
Yesterday was the best show I’ve witnessed. So good, that he’d win a Tony award easily!
Picture it. I’m in the handicapped stall doing my thing. The main door to the bathroom opens and I hear the familiar sound of incredibly labored breathing. I know someone upstairs is looking out for me because I’m in for a real treat!
I hear the man take his place on the pot.
Ladies and gentleman, the show has begun.
Advancing quickly from a fairly docile tone to an incredibly loud one, a single word is uttered. Three times. “Alrighty. Alrighty! ALLLLLLLRIGHTYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
And then, a very loud shriek. I’ve never heard such a sound. Maybe if I got trapped in a cave with a bunch of bats, I’d hear that sound again. I just know I’ve never heard it before and quite frankly, I don’t expect to ever hear it again.
At this point, I assume that he just dropped a nugget of brown gold in the swimming pool below. But then, things take a turn for the, well, bizarre.
After uttering a random woman’s name a few times, there was this: “My, my. You’re being generous.” And then a prolonged: “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.”
A minute later, “Ooooooh. I’m going to punish you.”
I don’t know who he was going to punish. I don’t know who was being generous. I just know my ribs hurt from silently laughing as long and hard as I silently laughed.
Yet even fringe benefits like these can't make me want to stay at my current gig! I only wish I could take him with me!
Posted by fool at 12:38 AM | Comments (10)August 14, 2007
“Grandma, what big eyes you have” (and LOTS of other STUPID Random Things)
Little Red Riding Hood was a moron. It’d be understandable if Helen Keller had trouble differentiating her grandmother from a wolf. But Little Red Riding Hood, let’s just say if I’m a hip-hop artist, I’m writing a song about her.
One of the best books I’ve ever read is Silence of the Lambs. I read it several years ago and have an itching to give it another look. When I went on Amazon to order it, I was a little surprised to see the paperback version ranging in price from $8.55 (seems reasonable) to $10,000.99 (seems a tad on the high side, don’t you think?). No, the second amount is NOT a typo! Click here if you don’t believe me! Needless to say, if anyone orders a book from that particular seller, the person should be shot. I might have to give the seller a call this week. If I do, any ideas for some good questions?
You know you’ve spotted classy when you see a 20-something drunk male on the metro pull a cigar out of his pocket while sporting a brown cigarette behind his ear. Even though I don’t swing that way, it took all my willpower to keep from trying to give him a Lewinsky right then and there. How attractive. Sometimes I’m so proud of my generation.
One of the best things about summer ending is that Hollywood will start releasing good movies again. [Smiley face!] Of course, then it will get dark outside a lot sooner. [Frown face.]
I’ve always wanted to see a Little League World Series game in person. Perhaps this will be the year.
Mitt Romney strikes me as a complete douche bag. Has anyone met him and been convinced that he is genuine? Coworker #3 met John Edwards recently and thought he was the real deal. He certainly doesn't come across that way on television.
What will Republicans do now that Tommy Thompson dropped out of the race? That’s like the McDonald’s Corporation losing a minimum wage employee who worked the graveyard shift at an underperforming store while simultaneously performing sexual acts on cockroaches. Okay, so maybe it's not quite like that.
How much are you supposed to spend on a wedding gift these days? I’m positive I spent more than enough on Coworker #2, but don’t really know the “appropriate” amount. I can't believe ball gags cost as much as they do.
A bunch of new employees are joining my “agency” right now. Very few of them have struck me as people I’d enjoy eating with on a daily basis. Guess it’s a good thing that when September rolls around, I’ll no longer be working where I’m currently working. I will miss a handful of people quite a bit, but cannot wait to move on. Wish I could take my boss with me (and a few coworkers as well).
First Tom... then Merv... Chevy, I'd watch your back if I were you.
Posted by fool at 01:11 AM | Comments (7)August 08, 2007
If I knew then what I know Now, I Never Would have Allowed Myself to Be in the Position that They are In Now
On Monday, two young attorneys started working at my agency. Yesterday, their supervisor paraded them around the building like a couple of animals at a circus, introducing them to anyone and everyone, including this fool.
As anybody who knows me can attest, I find my current job about as satisfying as Jimmy Carter’s wife finds his lovemaking skills. In fact, I think it’s pretty safe to say that on most days, I’d rather deep throat an elephant than saunter into work. (I'm not talking about a baby elephant either. I'm talking about the Shaq of elephants.)
It’s not that I dislike my boss. To the contrary, I LOVE my boss and will miss him greatly when I venture to the new gig. The substantive work, however, well, let’s just say that it’s so boring that Dante ought to think about rising from the dead and writing about a new level of hell that includes doing what I’m tasked with doing five days a week.
Because I’m a fairly blunt person, when people ask me about my job – whether it’s my boss, coworkers, potential employers, the idiot homeless man who instructs people that they shouldn't “chuck those pennies away” – I give them a straight answer. Granted, that straight answer can vary from “It’s so hard and boring that I’d rather make a video in Pakistan than venture into work on a daily basis” to “Let’s just say I’m really looking forward to my next job.”
Today, the new employees asked me how I like working at my current gig. I started to speak, intending to give them a straight answer. But, then I paused, smiled devilishly, and said, “I’m probably the wrong person to ask.” They seemed satisfied with that response and went on their jolly way.
In hindsight, I’m kicking myself. I wish I would have said, “Look, you’ll either like this joint or you won’t. We all have different tastes, so I can’t really help out in that regard. However, I can help out with respect to two really important life tips. First, don’t step in shit. Second, never trust whitey. Now get the hell out of my office before I call security.”
Posted by fool at 01:36 AM | Comments (7)August 07, 2007
They seemed like good Questions at the Time...
Why does Dennis Kucinich get to participate in the Democratic presidential debates?
After almost six years, why hasn’t the World Trade Center been rebuilt in some form?
Did you see The Hill’s current list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill? This year’s top ten shouldn’t be in the same room as 2005’s top ten.
When asked (at the last Republican presidential debate) what he considers to be his biggest mistake, did John McCain considered saying, “Cheating on his first wife?”
Does President Bush really think he’ll be viewed favorably by history?
Wouldn’t it be nice if public bathrooms included wet wipes in addition to toilet paper? (Or at a minimum, how about toilet paper that doesn’t double as sandpaper?)
What was Michael Vick thinking?
Where will Jay Leno land once Conan takes over The Tonight Show?
How is it possible that Gene Siskel didn’t like Silence of the Lambs?
Is there a better line in the history of film than Wilford Brimley uttering, “Not just screwing, Mitch, but the kind of intimate acts, oral and what not...” (The correct answer is NO!)
Can you believe it’s been two years since Peter Jennings died? He was the best.
Can you believe I watched an entire episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood yesterday? What if I told you I watched it by myself? He’s on my top ten list of people who have made the world a better place.
Why hasn’t Washington, D.C. mastered the complicated art of air conditioning? My office often feels like it’s auditioning for the leading role in a menopause commercial. The temperature on the subway platforms, well, don’t even get me started on that.
Finally, if there are oral sex conventions, do you think the caterers are barred from serving asparagus?
Posted by fool at 02:24 AM | Comments (8)August 03, 2007
Friday Fumblings....
When you’re battling a summer cold, it’s always nice to see a headline like this: “Driver in Glasgow Airport Attack Dies From His Burns.” Couldn’t have happened to a nicer human being! Score one for Western civilization! If you’re a doctor, do you really go out of your way to treat this man? I don't think I could. If my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law had treated the guy, he probably would have died within days of arriving at the hospital, NOT because my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law would have taken a moral stand and refused to provide good care to a terrorist. Instead, he would have died because my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law is as competent a physician as I am a singer. (Not pretty, trust me on this.)
I’m not a huge Rudy Giuliani fan, but must admit that he was incredibly impressive during a recent interview with Charlie Rose.
This is the United States of America, not Guatemala or El Salvador or Sudan. Our bridges shouldn’t suddenly collapse.
Major props to a subway driver last night. When a gazillion people tried to board the train at Farragut West, the driver exclaimed, “People, there are about twenty trains directly behind me.” That didn’t stop one woman from getting semi-crushed by the closing doors. (For the non-DC readers, the subway doors are NOT like elevator doors. If they close on you, you’ll feel like Daniel LaRusso after a chance encounter with the Cobra Kai boys.) For some strange reason, this woman was determined to board that particular train as the doors started to close. Hope her friends don’t think her husband’s beating her when they see her arms. They are both definitely going to have some marks!
Posted by fool at 12:12 AM | Comments (5)August 01, 2007
Wednesday's Wonders
Happy Anniversary to Mama Fool and Papa Fool! I am forever grateful that they did not abort me. (Coworker #1 has hinted that he is not so grateful.) More than thirty years of marriage and still going strong! Here’s to many, many more!
Rest in peace, Tom Snyder! “TS” was one of my all-time favorite broadcasters. In high school, I used to stay up late to watch him after Letterman. In fact, I even invited him to my high school graduation (somewhat as a joke). I’ll be damned if he didn’t send me a nice shirt and note! Hope he’s firing up a colortini in heaven.
Pearls Before Swine continues to be the best comic strip, period! You really should give it a look if you don’t read it on a daily basis. The crocodiles are fabulous! Or as they might write, "Fabb-U-luss."
Posted by fool at 12:56 AM | Comments (7)