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August 16, 2007
Going the Bathroom Has Never Been So Much Fun!
One of the employees at my agency is a middle-aged, cranky, stubborn, yet sweet man who happens to weigh about 350 pounds. Needless to say, he’s not in great health. In fact, every time the elevator doors open and he’s not lying on the ground dead of a massive coronary, it’s somewhat surprising (and most would say relieving too!).
The few times I’ve had the fortune of being in the bathroom with this man when he hasn’t realized that I’m in the bathroom with him have been very entertaining. Put it this way, when he’s sitting on the pot and doesn’t know someone else is in there, it’s like a one-man show (and not an off-Broadway production either; we’re talking the real deal!).
Yesterday was the best show I’ve witnessed. So good, that he’d win a Tony award easily!
Picture it. I’m in the handicapped stall doing my thing. The main door to the bathroom opens and I hear the familiar sound of incredibly labored breathing. I know someone upstairs is looking out for me because I’m in for a real treat!
I hear the man take his place on the pot.
Ladies and gentleman, the show has begun.
Advancing quickly from a fairly docile tone to an incredibly loud one, a single word is uttered. Three times. “Alrighty. Alrighty! ALLLLLLLRIGHTYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
And then, a very loud shriek. I’ve never heard such a sound. Maybe if I got trapped in a cave with a bunch of bats, I’d hear that sound again. I just know I’ve never heard it before and quite frankly, I don’t expect to ever hear it again.
At this point, I assume that he just dropped a nugget of brown gold in the swimming pool below. But then, things take a turn for the, well, bizarre.
After uttering a random woman’s name a few times, there was this: “My, my. You’re being generous.” And then a prolonged: “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.”
A minute later, “Ooooooh. I’m going to punish you.”
I don’t know who he was going to punish. I don’t know who was being generous. I just know my ribs hurt from silently laughing as long and hard as I silently laughed.
Yet even fringe benefits like these can't make me want to stay at my current gig! I only wish I could take him with me!
Comments
LMFAO! That's disgusting.
Posted by: angela at August 16, 2007 04:35 AM
Oh. my. god. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Posted by: Harmless Error at August 16, 2007 08:11 AM
Good lord that's sickeningly hilarious.
Posted by: mm at August 16, 2007 10:26 AM
How is this mystery woman, albeit I bet it's his cat, going to find his willy will?
Posted by: leaf at August 16, 2007 01:35 PM
Uh-huh! You sure you aren't whoring yourself out for the big bucks in the private/lobbying industry???
Posted by: Ming the Merciless at August 16, 2007 02:30 PM
Fool, you kill me :-)
Posted by: Sunny at August 16, 2007 04:47 PM
sorry for the obviousness of this link:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/08/16/blogging.pedophile.ap/index.html
Posted by: pretty at August 16, 2007 05:55 PM
I'm crying now. Tears streaming from my eyes. So damn funny
Posted by: thenambypamby at August 17, 2007 03:53 PM
Euwww!!!!!!
Posted by: teahouseblossom at August 17, 2007 05:52 PM
Gross! I can't bear to think what he does in his personal life!
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at August 18, 2007 09:20 AM
