September 27, 2007
Bob Novak isn’t the Only Reporter in this Town
Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) has decided to stay in office “for now.” That decision didn’t come as a shock to anyone; it has been in the works ever since Craig announced his intention to resign last month. What’s surprising is that President Ahmadinejad’s recent visit to Columbia University actually strengthened Craig’s resolve to remain a U.S. Senator.
Two Senate sources confirm that in addition to trying to withdraw his guilty plea, Craig is in talks with Ahmadinejad about possibly becoming a dual Iranian-American citizen. Apparently, Craig believes that because there are no homosexuals in Iran, by becoming a citizen of that country (while retaining his U.S. citizenship), he’ll finally be able to convince Americans that he prefers the kitty over the poop chute.
When asked to comment on this recent development, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “Look, nothing has changed for me. I still think he should step down. More than anything, however, I just wish the fucker would stop trying to play footsie in the bathroom. I’m not going to suck his cock no matter how many times he taps his feet, and despite his requests, I sure as hell am not going to lobby my constituents to let Larry fuck whichever horse wins the Kentucky Derby next year.”
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (6)September 26, 2007
From the Things I Wish I Would Have Said File
Picture it. Three random strangers and I are on the elevator at my apartment complex, a building which probably has about 500 units. One of the strangers is holding a birthday balloon. She and her friends are headed to floor six. I’m headed to floor three.
Thinking Fool: Whose birthday is it?
Random Stranger: Nicole’s.
Thinking Fool: Oh, did she get the results back from her herpes test yet?
Sometimes I really wish I had bigger testicles. That’d probably result in my getting punched a lot though, so I guess I should be content! I bet Shaq would have said it.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)September 24, 2007
Seriously, It Shouldn't be that Short (and other nonsense that I feel like sharing)
Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of men sporting incredibly short ties. When I write “incredibly short,” I’m talking about ties that don’t even come down to guys’ belly buttons. Seriously, there’s at least a six-inch gap between the bottom of these ties and men’s belts. I have no idea what’s going on, but if this is some new fashion trend, it’s more idiotic than the whole leggings under the skirt look that should have permanently died in the 1980s (just like the Carter presidency did). Another thing that looks flat-out stupid is when you see a white girl "wearing" braids. Black women look beautiful with braids. White women, on the other hand, well they just look like complete morons.
In other news, you’d definitely have to at least understand why someone could go on a murderous rampage at a DMV office, right? I’m not talking about a rampage against DMV employees. Despite all the stereotypes, I actually find the DMV employees to be pretty helpful most of the time. (Same is true of postal employees.) The “customers,” on the other hand! MY LORD! Most of these people would have no problem qualifying for a mental poverty program. Is bringing the proper documentation for whatever you need REALLY that damn difficult? Apparently the answer to that question is a resounding yes.
If I’m running Columbia University, I let the nut-job Iranian president address my students. The guy might be crazy, but he’s a very important world leader. Hearing him speak, asking him questions, seeing him dressed like he’s some degenerate gambler at a racetrack... that’d be a great part of any college experience.
Speaking of experiences, part of the working experience is going to bed before midnight. I haven’t quite mastered that one yet.
Posted by fool at 12:04 AM | Comments (10)September 18, 2007
I Write the Songs that Make Me Wimpier than the Lion before he Met the Wizard (who was a total douche bag, by the way)
Did you hear the latest nonsense about Barry Manilow refusing to go on ABC’s The View to promote his “new” album? (The “new” album is really just a compilation of Manilow’s hits from the 70s. Apparently, there are a whopping six new versions of old songs on the 18-track album. In other words, Barry just seems to be shoveling a lot of the same shit that he’s shoveled our way for years!)
Although you’ll be able to find Manilow promoting his album all over television today, you won’t find the man appearing on ABC’s The View! Why? Because he got cold feet about appearing when he found out that Joy Behar was going to force him to look at her vagina. Okay, so that’s not entirely true (but that would be a good reason for canceling his appearance, don’t you think?).
In truth, Manilow, a strong supporter of the Democratic party, won’t go on the show because he doesn’t want to appear on stage with Elisabeth Hasselback, an outspoken conservative Republican. Manilow thinks Elisabeth is “dangerous.”
I’ve never seen Barry Manilow in person, but if you get the chance, will you do me a favor? Grab his crotch to see if he’s got anything hanging down there. Sure doesn’t seem like it.
What the hell ever happened to debating those with whom you disagree? Elisabeth Hasselback might be a lot of things: opinionated, annoying, etc. But the woman is about as "dangerous" as a one-legged, unarmed midget on a football field.
Posted by fool at 12:01 AM | Comments (9)September 17, 2007
And back to the Working World I go...
I've been going to bed around 3 a.m. every night the last few weeks. That should make my first day at work incredibly fun today! Wish me luck (or don't if you're a jerk). I would move to Vegas if you could ensure that I'd get chosen to sit on the O.J. Simpson/armed robbery jury! More later...
Posted by fool at 12:54 AM | Comments (2)September 12, 2007
What is a Tie, Alex?
The other night, I watched Jeopardy and observed the champion win the match by one dollar. This led me to wonder, “Why?” Unless the game is different than it used to be, if two contestants tie for first place, they both get to keep the money they won AND come back the next day to play again. So, if you’re leading going into final jeopardy, unless you really despise the person to your left or right, why not bet a dollar amount that will guarantee that the worst you can do is tie?
Posted by fool at 02:02 AM | Comments (1)September 10, 2007
Monday Musings in May (Yes, I know it's September, but I was going for some Alliteration!)
Here’s a little tip for anyone who flies. If your carry-on bag is protruding from the overhead bin like Shaq’s manhood would be if he were wearing a pair of extra small boxers, the bin will not close no matter how many times you try to slam it. If this isn’t obvious, please do not have any children (or any more children if it’s too late).
Don’t you think the bride and groom should have the option of either kissing each other at the end of the ceremony or having sex in a tent in front of everyone? I’m just saying, it’s 2007, not 1907.
This fall, one of ABC’s sitcoms features those stupid Geico cavemen. How the hell was that project green-lighted before a show starring the Geico Gecko and the Aflac Duck? Heads should roll for that oversight!
Last week, Drudge made a huge deal about Al Gore being spotted getting off a gas-guzzling corporate jet. Oh Lord, I guess all this global warming stuff must be a crock then, right? Dr. Laura had naked pictures of her taken years ago by a former lover. Oh goodness, I guess that nonsense she spouts about not having kids out of wedlock and trying to raise them in a traditional environment is a bunch of malarkey. I understand the world doesn’t like hypocrites, but if a meth-addicted crack-head pleads with high school students to refrain from doing drugs minutes after smoking a pipe, is the druggie’s message any less valid? Me thinks not. I wish people would separate the message from the messenger instead of always playing this bullshit game of “gotcha!” That game should be left for Dr. Huxtable and his family.
In the spirit of the last paragraph, if I’m advising Senator Larry Craig, I tell him to begin a press conference with the following statement: “You know what, I admit it; I like a cock every now and then. That doesn’t change the fact that I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman and that people should refrain from extramarital affairs. So yes, I too have been a ‘dirty, naughty boy.’ Now that the world knows this, the Idaho voters will probably refuse to reelect me in 2008, and that’s certainly their right. I’d prefer they judge me by what I’ve done in the Senate instead of what I’ve done in airport bathrooms, but I can’t control what people think of me anymore than I can control having a wide stance. So, no, I’m not going to resign, and if my colleagues shun me during the last year and change of my current Senate term, then in the words of Don Imus, ‘They can go to hell!’ Are there any questions?”
Have you ever watched any of the Comedy Central Roasts? If not, tell your Tivo to make an appointment for you. The William Shatner one is particularly hilarious! I think a lot of it is available on YouTube!
Hope your week is off to a fabulous start! If not, remember, "Could be worse. Could be raining!"
Posted by fool at 02:57 AM | Comments (3)September 04, 2007
The First Day at a New School Can Always Be a Little Scary
Intern #3 called me yesterday to tell me that he begins his stint as a visiting law student today. He told me what classes he is taking and asked if I had any advice.
Thinking Fool: Who do you have for corporations?
Intern #3: Professor Doe.
Thinking Fool: Well, make sure you go up to him at the end of the first class and introduce yourself and tell him you’re a visiting student this semester. After he acknowledges you, tell him that, as a courtesy, you just want him to know that by the end of the semester, you’re going to fuck his wife, and that if he has any daughters, you’re probably going to fuck them too.
Intern #3: Umm, do you really think that’s what I should say to him?
Thinking Fool: Absolutely. You’ll make a very lasting first impression, and that could make a huge difference when grading time rolls around.
Intern #3: Well, you’ve never led me astray thus far. I guess it’s worth a shot.
At the end of the day, I like to think I've made a difference in people's lives.
Posted by fool at 07:12 AM | Comments (3)