October 31, 2007
From the What I would had Done if I had Bigger Testicles File
To: All Employees at Current Employer
From: Thinking Fool
Date: 10/30/2007 4:44 p.m.
Subject: Be Very Careful
Hi Everyone,
I still haven’t had the opportunity to meet most of you, so I apologize for the impersonal nature of this email, but feel this is important. I just left the 8th floor men’s restroom and want anyone else who is thinking about using that restroom to be very careful.
I’m serious.
Someone made stinky in there and it smells atrocious.
It definitely wasn’t me if that’s what you’re thinking. I actually tend to like the way my own stinky smells (unless it’s diarrhea, but if it was diarrhea, I would have clarified that I was talking about “runny stinky,” not regular stinky). Plus, I wouldn’t be dumb enough to let all of you know that I stunk up the bathroom.
Look forward to meeting more of you at the picnic.
Fool
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (3)October 29, 2007
Marsupial Monday (I don't even know what a Marsupial is, but it sounds cool, si?)
Charles Schulz has been dead for more than seven years, yet a bunch of newspapers continue to run his Peanuts strip in the Comics section. WHY??????? It really is time to free up that space for an up and coming cartoonist. (This is especially true considering that Schulz was apparently a pretty big bastard.)
How about this for a t-shirt: “Why be up and coming when you can just be coming?” It’d be a best-seller with grandparents and great-grandparents throughout the nation.
Speaking of great-grandparents, I thought I was paying an elderly woman a compliment the other day on the metro, but she certainly didn’t take it that way, at least not like I had hoped.
Thinking Fool: Excuse me, ma’am. I have to get off at the next stop, but before I do, I just wanted to tell you that you really are quite striking.
Elderly Woman: (Smiling) Well, aren’t you sweet. Honey, I was alive before FDR was elected.
Thinking Fool: I don’t care if you were alive before Lincoln got shot, you are a total Double-G-ILF.
Elderly Woman: A what?
Thinking Fool: A Double-G-ILF.
Elderly Woman: What is that?
Thinking Fool: A Great Grandmother I’d Like to Fuck.
I'll be here all week.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (6)October 24, 2007
I could have bought Myself Ten Lunches Instead!
Does anyone work for INS or the Better Business Bureau? I feel like this letter would mean more if it happened to be on your stationary.
Dear Senorita,
My ex-landlord insisted that I have my apartment professionally cleaned upon moving out and recommended your company, so I reluctantly agreed to pay your company $80 to have the place professionally cleaned. That’s why they sent you to my old apartment – to professionally clean it.
As you are undoubtedly aware, there wasn’t a whole lot for you to do. All you really had to do was vacuum, wash the windows, clean the oven, dust the baseboards, and scrub the shower and bathtub. It should have taken you an hour, or maybe 90 minutes tops, to get in and out because the rest of the stuff had been done, by me, before you arrived. Thus, when your boss told me he expected the job to require you to be at my old apartment for 2.5 hours, I thought, “Unless she’s having sex in there, there’s no way she’s going to be spending 2.5 hours. (And frankly, if she were having sex with a guy like me, it’d be more like 2.5 minutes, but that’s not important right now.)”
What’s important is that you did a phenomenally horrible job. There was literally one thing in the otherwise vacant apartment – a paper towel holder which I was going to grab after you were done cleaning. That was it. Nothing else. When I picked the paper towel holder off the counter, it became obvious that you didn’t have the energy to actually lift it and clean underneath it. God knows you must have been in a rush given how much you had to do, so I guess I understand. Actually, I don’t. Did it not occur to you that maybe in the process of wiping off the counter, you should have picked up the only object on the counter and cleaned underneath it? Also, when your boss tells a customer that you will professionally clean the oven, you really should professionally clean the oven, or at least check the box on your silly invoice that says you professionally cleaned the oven. The oven wasn’t even that dirty, but it certainly was no cleaner after you.
Based on your lackluster cleaning skills, I feel as though the rate charged by your company was at least double what it should have been. Accordingly, I’m going to recommend that you and your company be investigated for fraud and that you be investigated for possible deportation.
Have an excellent rest of the month and lovely holiday season.
Thinking Fool
Posted by fool at 12:01 AM | Comments (12)October 23, 2007
Overheard in D.C.
Here’s a conversation that took place just outside D.C. Superior Court yesterday afternoon.
Rhodes Scholar #1: Yeah, but there ain’t no way she can get child support.
Rhodes Scholar #2: How come?
Rhodes Scholar #1: Cuz first off, I wore a condom, aight. Second, she wanted it.
Somehow I have a feeling we’ll see Rhodes Scholar #1 and the woman in question on Maury one day. I never took Family law, but I'm pretty sure wearing a condom doesn't absolve you of responsibility should the woman still get pregnant. Then again, perhaps that question hasn't been resolved by the Supreme Court yet.
Posted by fool at 12:05 AM | Comments (1)October 22, 2007
Don't Let them Breed EVER (again)
I'm home from work today in an attempt to slaughter the initial stages of a cold to keep it from bugging me all week. (I don't want to tempt fate, but I think my strategy is going to work out brilliantly. I know I feel a lot better right now than I did last night or early this morning.) As a result of being home, I've sampled a little bit of daytime programming and am left with one simple, but important thought. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE MUST STERILIZE ANY PERSON WHO APPEARS ON MAURY AS A GUEST. This shoudn't even be an option. If you go on Maury, as soon as you leave the studio, you are to be whisked away to a hospital and forced to undergo a vasectomy or tubal ligation. The taxpayers will GLADLY foot the bill.
If Maury's guests represent even 1% of our population, we're in serious trouble as a nation.
Posted by fool at 04:40 PM | Comments (2)October 19, 2007
Impolite Metro Riders: Consider Yourself Warned
Here’s the deal. If I’m polite enough to temporarily get off the metro to ensure that people can deboard the train, then you bastards on the platform need to exercise some common decency and let me get back on the train before you rush the doors like a bunch of imbeciles. Why? Because if you make it difficult for me to get back on the train, I don’t care what it takes; I’ll get back on one way or another just like I did the other night. And when I get back on, I’m going to force my body to think it just ate a gigantic bowl of chili topped with onions and cheese. I’ll fart so hard and stink the train up so badly that you’ll wish your momma would have taught you a few manners. And when you look at me with disgust in your eyes and tell me to stop breaking wind, I’ll look right back at you, and in the words of my favorite random fellow airplane passenger, I'll exclaim, “Fuck you and be quiet!”
Posted by fool at 12:14 AM | Comments (7)October 15, 2007
Moronic Monday Musings...
The Major League Baseball playoffs have been interesting this year. By “interesting,” I mean I think it’d be more fun to take an incredibly sharp pencil and ram it up my thing than actually watch every game. Even if you hate them, you can’t deny that the playoffs are more fun when the Yankees advance to the ALCS. Stupid Indians!!! (The ones from Cleveland, not the ones who run casinos or own convenience stores. Hmm, do you know anybody whose father is Native American and whose mother is Indian (as in India Indian)? What the hell would you call such a combination?)
Isn’t it incredible that Craig Sager makes God knows how much money interviewing athletes for TNT and TBS? Here’s a guy who looks so weird that you’d call 9-1-1 if you saw him offering your kid a lollipop, yet somehow he’s eked out a great living showing his mug (and hideous outfits) on television. As the I-Man would say, “You couldn’t make this up if you tried!”
Speaking of Imus, all indications are that he’s coming back! WOOHOO! Maybe I’ll hook up my Tivo again if some television station actually picks up his show.
Are the desserts at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe in Dupont any good? The entrees sure leave a lot to be desired (unless you like things that taste like poop; if you do, then Kramerbooks is the place for you!).
Posted by fool at 12:10 AM | Comments (12)October 04, 2007
The Supreme Mind (Obviously Not Describing myself here!)
On Saturday, D.C. hosted a triathlon. Next year, I propose that Baltimore host the event instead. The District’s roadways already seem like they were designed by a mentally-challenged fourth grader who won some sort of city planning contest. Making getting around on a Saturday morning more difficult than getting around during the weekday rush hours is crazier than a judge saying, “I think the kids will be better off with Kevin Federline.”
Do you like ANY of the presidential candidates? I wish Newt would run. At least he’d bring some innovative ideas to the table. I wish Gore would run too. I also wish I had a graham cracker, marshmallow, and piece of chocolate right now.
Like him or hate him, Justice Scalia is clearly the most entertaining Supreme Court Justice. Justice Breyer is the second most entertaining. Justice Alito wins the “You Look Even More Disheveled in Person than You Do on Television” award.
I searched and searched and searched and searched, but couldn’t find any relevant information about the following, so here’s my public service announcement for the month. If you want to attend an oral argument at the Supreme Court and are trying to figure out how early to get there to ensure that you actually get in the courtroom, my experience demonstrates that for your run-of-the-mill cases, arriving in front of the building at 7:30 ought to get you in for the first argument. (If you want to play it safe, get there by 7:00, and for extra protection, you might as well bring a condom! After all, you never know if Clarence T will try something! Actually, I’m curious. What do you think of Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill all these years after the fact? Sometimes, I think he’s lying; sometimes, I think she is lying. Today, I think she’s the fibber. Regardless of who told the truth, one thing is certain – either he’s a sick fuck, or she is. Frankly, if it’s the former, I’d love to play poker with the man! I'd just make sure we had Pepsi, not Coke.)
Posted by fool at 12:14 AM | Comments (10)