November 29, 2007
To tell or Not to Tell...
If you observe coworkers failing to wash their hands after draining their johnsons in the bathroom, do you have an obligation to spread that news?
Posted by fool at 12:19 AM | Comments (12)November 28, 2007
This One is Messier than that Stupid Cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. that "Gets all over your Face" (Who the hell would want to eat something that is basically guaranteed to get your face and clothes dirty?)
Three weeks ago, University of Arizona head basketball coach Lute Olson took a leave of absence to handle a personal matter that he claims was not health-related. Apparently, the situation is of a deeply personal nature that requires Olson’s full attention and is something that doesn’t have an end date. Monday night, Olson returned to practice, but he is not returning full-time to the team quite yet. Okay, okay! It’s been three weeks already! Will whoever knows the real reason why Olson is on a leave of absence just leak it to the press so we can know what the hell is going on. My goodness – why are these people so damn tight-lipped?!? It’s not like it’s a national security secret! Anyone have any ideas? My brother thinks he has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, but somehow that seems "health-related" to me.
Right now, I feel like walking into a casino and saying, “Iowa Caucuses – two dollar superfecta – Obama first, Clinton second, Biden third, Edwards fourth.” If it went on to finish that way, I bet I’d make a tidy profit on my wager!
Do you think a former senator will be president after the next election? I still think McCain is going to come on strong over the next month and change, but will he have enough to get the Republican nomination? Sadly, me thinks not.
The current issue of Newsweek has a long story about Rudy Giuliani. Even though I find him likeable in the debates, I just can’t help but think that it’d be a disaster to have him as our next president. We need someone who is very well connected to the outside world and who knows foreign affairs inside and out. Romney doesn’t. Giuliani doesn’t. Huckabee doesn’t. McCain does. Biden does. Gore does. Bush Sr. does. Clinton’s a woman, so she obviously can’t have as much knowledge as the men… at least, that’s what a leading Kazakhstani scientist proved when he established that women’s brains are the size of squirrels’ brains. (Hey, it was a funny movie if nothing else!) In all seriousness, Clinton is incredibly knowledgeable as well, but I still trust McCain and Biden more than I trust her. Plus, I'm sick of the Clintons and the Bushes.
I saw Wolf Blitzer moderate a debate in person one time and thought he was great. That’s why I don’t understand how he can be so awful on television. He comes across on television as someone who has less personality than a bowl of oatmeal.
After watching MSNBC late at night a few times, I’ve decided that living in San Quentin prison is not something I’d like to experience in this lifetime. Can you imagine what it’d be like to know that you were going to prison for a very long time? Oy.
If a parent waterboards his or her child and gets charged with child abuse and the prosecution says the parent tortured the child, wouldn’t the parent have to respond, “Waterboarding is not torture. The U.S. government says so?”
If you could meet three famous people who were alive during the 20th century, who would you meet? I’d choose Churchill, Hitler, and Reagan. If you asked me to answer this question when I was in the 8th grade, I would have made sure Kathy Ireland was on the list.
To the gentleman on the Metro who spent four stops trying to excavate a booger from your nose, if nothing else, props to you for pursuing your mission, especially after you noticed that I was staring at you.
It’s only Wednesday? Really? [Frown face.]
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (7)November 22, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
Gone Baby Gone
The Gist: A little girl goes missing. Her aunt or grandmother or, well, I’m not exactly certain how she was related; I just know some very annoying woman didn’t think the cops were capable of solving the case on their own; so she hired two very young investigators to help. Ed Harris plays a lunatic, over-the-top cop. Morgan Freeman plays the same character he does in every movie. John Ashton, known to many as Sergeant Taggart from the Beverly Hills Cop films, is also a cop – he doesn’t seem quite as whacked out as Ed Harris’ character. Eventually, all the pieces fit together and we figure out what actually happened to the little girl. Unfortunately, watching those pieces come together was a little bit like putting your hand in a blender just to see what happens.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not making it.
Who Should See This: People who loved Mystic River might like this because both movies were based on novels written by the same author. I happened to think Mystic River was way over the top and lacking in many qualities. However, compared to Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River looks like a Victoria’s Secret model standing next to a homeless woman.
The Verdict: If you’re seriously considering suicide and need something to put you over the top, this movie might give you the inspiration. I know I certainly thought about slitting my wrists when I left the theater. D- (Because it actually makes you think a few times.)
November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving
I am thankful for a whole slew of things this Thanksgiving, one of which is that I don't have to eat at Popeye's Chicken every day. I needed to grab a quick bite this evening, so I picked up Popeye's. Awful.
Posted by fool at 06:52 PM | Comments (3)November 15, 2007
Watch where you're walking, you Jerk!
This really isn’t a difficult concept. If you’re walking on a sidewalk and there are tons of other people also walking, don’t walk in a diagonal line, especially if you're floating along at a snail's pace. I’ve been close to accidentally sodomizing a few people this week because they drift to the right or left without any regard to the fact that a lot of people behind them are trying to get somewhere in a hurry. If you wouldn’t drift into a different lane while you were driving, why the hell do you think it’s okay to drift into a different lane when you’re walking? Probably because you're an idiot; that's why.
Posted by fool at 01:09 AM | Comments (5)November 14, 2007
Free Campaign Advice for the One with the Unfamiliar Name
Mike Huckabee is gaining traction in Iowa these days, but he still doesn’t have a very recognizable name. So, to remedy that, I suggest that his advisers get him on stage to have sex with Bea Arthur. Before you flip out, think about it. While he’s banging Bea, the advisers could tell people to make sure to vote for the candidate whose name sounds like “Fuck a Bea (Arthur).” It’d be a memorable image if nothing else, generate lots of media coverage, and definitely play well with most of the Republican base. But guess what, this won’t happen, and that’s what’s wrong with American politics today.
Posted by fool at 12:26 AM | Comments (3)November 08, 2007
From the "It seemed like a good Idea at the Time" File
Every morning around 10 o'clock, the receptionist in my division sends all the employees an email detailing who is NOT in the office. Yesterday, in addition to all the people on travel and vacation, the receptionist's list included the name "Jack Davidson" and indicated that he was out on sick leave.
Minutes later, the receptionist sent everyone another email, which stated, "Correction - Jack IS in the office today."
I hit the reply all button and wrote, "That's too bad."
Well, some people thought it was funny. The others can go to hell.
Posted by fool at 01:32 AM | Comments (6)November 04, 2007
Turning Back the Clocks
Normally, this whole nonsense about turning the clocks back an hour would have me upset. (I would much rather have it stay lighter later than be lighter earlier in the day.) But this year, I actually feel quite content. I really could use the extra hour of sleep! On the other hand, I'm sure that when I leave work Monday, I'll be pissed and then some that it's dark outside.
Speaking of leaving work when it's dark outside, is it wrong to grab a free meal when you see a Salvation Army truck giving away food to homeless people?
Posted by fool at 01:33 AM | Comments (6)November 02, 2007
A Bunch of Random Nonsense to End the Week
I saw Elizabeth Edwards on television the other day. She really looked awful. I don’t think her husband is any more qualified to be president than I am. He seems almost as phony as Mitt Romney. Nevertheless, it’d be a wonderful thing if Mrs. Edwards’ health would improve dramatically. She can be a real idiot too – like that time she reduced herself to Ann Coulter’s level by phoning in to a show that happened to be featuring Ann Coulter as a guest. But, she seems like a genuinely nice person, and although nobody deserves to be sick (except for child molesters and homicidal maniacs), genuinely nice people especially don’t deserve to be sick.
Do you dress up in a costume when you go to work on Halloween? If the answer is yes, do you work at an elementary school or a theater company? If not, have you grown any pubic hair yet? Once you graduate from college, it really seems like you should give up on the whole dress-up-for-Halloween-at-work thing! Adults should dress up for Halloween under the following circumstances: (1) if they’re going to parties, (2) still finding a way to extort candy out of people by going trick-or-treating, (3) are planning a trip to Haddonfield to murder a bunch of sex-crazed teenagers while ultimately trying to track down their sister, and (4) if they work at a place where they will encounter a lot of children. For the rest of you, leave the costume at home when you go to work and try to actually do something productive.
If you are a woman or a minority, would you vote for a presidential candidate simply because that candidate was a woman or a minority? Or does gender and race really not matter much at the end of the day?
How the hell Dennis Kucinich gets invited to these presidential debates is a mystery to me. The guy bankrupted Cleveland when he was mayor, yet he wants to become the Chief Executive of our country? Holy Toledo, I’d rather have a guest from Maury lead our country than this little midget. Who gives money to a sure loser anyway? Why give money to such a person? It’s like betting on a three-legged horse to win the Kentucky Derby. There's no value there.
Several people have emailed me and asked why the Fool hasn’t featured any recent movie reviews. (By "many people," I mean ONE person.) Well, I haven’t seen a movie since late August or early September, and unlike Jason Blair, I don’t just like to make up stuff (unless it’s to get a laugh – then I have no problem making up stuff!). I’ll try to see a lot more films this Fall and Winter. In the interim, I suggest checking out Roger Ebert’s reviews. A lot of people get us confused (just like a lot of people get me confused with Shaq).
I’d like to see Kobe Bryant get traded to the Nuggets. Don't you think the people of Denver would welcome him? What a jerk.
Speaking of famous thug athletes, isn’t it awesome that O.J. might end up having to do some serious hard time after all? If he gets convicted of any of these offenses in Nevada and ends up with a lengthy prison sentence, I think we will have definitive proof that Karma is more than just a concept.
I like listening to David Horowitz whenever he’s on one of the talking head shows. Apparently college students don't like listening to him so much. I've never understood why some people at universities try to suppress speech with which they disagree instead of listening to that speech and then refuting it. And like it or not, people on the left are much more likely to try to silence people than people on the right. Doesn't make sense - seems counterintuitive, but it is what it is.
Jerry Seinfeld was on Larry King Live last night promoting his new animated movie about some stupid bee. The clip they showed (while I was watching, which wasn't very long) didn’t make me even smirk let alone laugh. Seinfeld was a very good show, but is Jerry Seinfeld really as funny as conventional wisdom suggests? I saw him do stand-up last year, and the man was like A-Rod in the playoffs – just wasn’t getting it done.
Just read a headline that Barry Bonds will boycott the Hall of Fame if an asterisk is attached to his home run record. I’m sure a lot of people are going to lose sleep over that one, Barry. That’d be like me threatening not to clip my toenails for a couple weeks unless all of you send me $100. Who the hell cares.
D.C. is finally switching from a zone system for its taxicabs to a meter system. If you don’t know what a zone system is, you’re lucky. Basically, right now, D.C. cabs don’t have meters, which means at the end of the trip, the driver just quotes you a number and that’s what you have to pay. Often that number will differ based on the driver even if you take the same trip. Tourists especially feel like they’ve been sodomized by a Great Dane after leaving a D.C. taxicab, and they often feel this way even when the cabbie is actually quoting an honest fare. Anyway, the cab drivers are all up in arms about this – going to be harder to cheat people out of money and conceal income – so what did they do? They decided to strike on one of the busiest nights for cabs – Halloween. I don’t understand how that helps the drivers. These are generally not millionaires we’re talking about. Why would you want to lose a lot of money that you could have earned to teach someone (but who exactly) a lesson? Guess I should never work for organized labor because if that’s a brilliant idea, color me not brilliant.
Rudy Giuliani has been really impressive. I am generally not a fan – find him all too belligerent and hawkish – but he’s certainly better than Romney (talk about a disingenuous person). I’m still hoping McCain will pull a John Kerry from 2004 and awaken from the dead and secure the Republican nomination.
Fred Thompson looks a little bit like Elizabeth Edwards – awful. Hope his health is okay. He’s not as good a speaker as I thought he would be. Guess it’s easier when you have a script.
Given that this entry is almost as long as my Johnson, it’s time to put a fork in this one. Hope you have a fabulous weekend.
Posted by fool at 01:02 AM | Comments (7)