January 31, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
Cloverfield
The Gist: Imagine 9/11, but instead of radical, nut-job Muslims, the attacker is, well, a monster. Unlike human beings who die fairly easily (Michael Myers notwithstanding), monsters can take a lot of bullets, grenades, missiles, etc. Thus, it’s really hard to defeat this s-o-b. Throw in some awesome special effects, and a Blair Witch manner of filming, and you’ve got Cloverfield.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: This is an action adventure-style movie all the way. So if you like those, you’ll like this. If you don’t, you won’t. As with all action adventure movies (not my cup of tea), the film could have been enhanced with random hot people getting busy with each other.
Who Should See This: The special effects are pretty amazing. If you like an exciting ride, go forth and conquer. If you are more interested in a powerful story, steer clear.
The Verdict: C-.
Juno
The Gist: A teenager gets pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. (Not just screwing, Mitch, but the kind of intimate ACTS… oral and what not. Actually, in Juno and her boyfriend’s case, I think it was just screwing.) So after Juno gets pregnant, she decides to have an abortion, but ultimately she can’t go through with it, especially after a young Asian classmate tells her that her unborn child/fetus/pick your poison already has fingernails. So she decides to pursue plan B instead, which involves planning to give her baby to a young couple who can’t have children of their own. The would-be adoptive mother is a perfect-type, the kind of person who makes the bed every day (and makes it really well). Her husband is a wannabe rock star. Juno’s dad is hilarious. Her stepmom is hilarious. Juno is hilarious. The writing is hilarious. You’ve got to see this one!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Can’t think of a thing. It was stellar start to finish.
Who Should See This: You should. The characters are great. The movie is laugh-out-loud funny, yet also manages to have some emotionally powerful scenes as well. Go see it.
The Verdict: A.
January 25, 2008
Oops
Well, a movie review will not be appearing in this space today. My apologies. Yesterday, work made me feel like a teenage boy at John Wayne Gacy's house. Alas, a review of Cloverfield coming soon...
Posted by fool at 12:00 AMJanuary 24, 2008
Even if Law Professors Can't Get it Right, There's No Reason You and I Have to Get it Wrong Too!
USC Law Professor, Syndicated Columnist, Fox News Commentator, and now Quinn Emmanuel Attorney Susan Estrich recently took a lot of flak for sending a mass email in which she failed to take advantage of the blank carbon copy (i.e. “bcc”) feature. Many have speculated that Estrich didn’t use the “bcc” option because she wanted everyone to see the names of the powerful people she knows. I could care less about that. What I do care about is something Estrich, a Harvard-educated, law professing, syndicated newspaper columnist, wrote in her email.
“I suppose wishing intense business litigation on friends may not be a fond hope, but if you face issues in the future, civil or criminal, where you could use a powerful team on your side, I hope you'll call my colleagues and I at Quinn Emanuel” (emphasis added).
When uneducated people butcher the English language, I don’t bat an eye. However, when highly educated people do the same thing, it annoys me. I am not a master of the English language, but I do know when to use “I” and when to use “me.” Unfortunately, too many people automatically use “I” (undoubtedly because they think it makes them sounds smarter).
I wrote a very long entry about this, highlights of which are pasted below. Bottom line, Professor Estrich, if your friends need a powerful legal team on their side, you should tell them to contact “my colleagues and me,” not my “colleagues and I.” If you don’t know why that’s the case, keep reading.
********************
This is the only post I’ll ever write about grammar. I realize this invites widespread mocking whenever I screw up a grammar rule or two, but that’s fine with me. In fact, let it be known right here and now that the Thinking Fool will never be upset if you post a comment or send an email pointing out a grammar/spelling error on the Thinking Fool’s site. With that stated, let the lesson begin.
“I” might be the most misused word in the English language. In fact, over the last decade, more and more people, from newscasters to politicians to bloggers to homeless people to midgets to TEACHERS (argh!), have jettisoned proper “I” usage in favor of blatantly wrong “over-usage.”
The problem: People, especially “educated” ones, think “I” sounds “smarter” than “me.” People like to sound smart (unless they’re trying to convince a judge that they’re too dumb to be executed). See Atkins v. Virginia, 536 U.S. 304 (2002). Hence, when people have to make a decision as to which word to use, if any uncertainty exists in their minds, people are going to go with “I” over “me.” And why not, everyone else does it, right? Well, if everyone else was having sex with Victoria’s Secret models, would you do that too? Hmm, probably not the best hypothetical I could muster.
The example: “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and (I/me).” (What they want us to do with that cucumber is a complete mystery, but you know just how sick and twisted those old bastards are.)
Now, the correct answer is “me!” “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and me.” However, you know as well as I do that you hear several people say things like, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and I.”
“I” is WRONG in that instance! Don’t use it like that! For the love of God, don’t do that!
If you find yourself confused or think you’re misusing “I” and “me,” don’t fret. After all, not only does the Baby Jesus still love you (even if you haven’t accepted him), your deficiency in this area is easily remedied.
Here’s a simple trick to help determine whether you should use “I” or “me.”
Just say the sentence without the other word.
“Just say the sentence without the other word? Huh?!?!?! Fool, you sound crazier than John Hinckley at a Jodie Foster book signing!”
Let me teach by showing, rather than by telling.
Here’s an example.
If you’ve got a sentence like the above-mentioned one, simplify it by splitting it into two sentences.
1. “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you.”
2. “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for (I/me).”
In the second sentence, which word would you use, “I” or “me?” Well, obviously you know that saying “I” would make you sound like a communist from Russia. And because nobody wants to sound like a commie bastard, of course you’d say, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for me!” You’d never use “I” in that situation.
Right???
RIGHT!!!
So, why the hell would you use it simply because another word gets added to the sentence?
Correct response: You SHOULDN’T!
Let’s try another one.
“Sheila and (I/me) went to the store to buy a very long cucumber.”
Split the sentence into two sentences.
1. “Sheila went to the store.”
2. “I went to the store” OR “Me went to the store.”
You know as well as I do that “Me” didn’t go anywhere, so “I” is correct. Thus, the sentence should read as follows: “Sheila and I went to the store to buy a very long cucumber.” (Sheila seems to be good friends with the Joneses, which scares me slightly.)
How about this one?
“Our friends are going to invite you and (I/me) to a cucumber demonstration.” (I don’t know what the hell that means, but it sounds quite interesting.)
1. “Our friends are going to invite you to a cucumber demonstration.”
2. “Our friends are going to invite (I/me) to a cucumber demonstration.”
In this instance, our friends aren’t going to invite “I” anywhere. They’re going to invite “me!” Thus, “Our friends are going to invite you and me to a cucumber demonstration.”
The same rules apply to the use of he/she/him/her.
”Ted really wants (he/him) and (she/her) to go to the party.”
1. “Ted really wants (he/him) to go to the party.”
2. “Ted really wants (she/her) to go to the party.”
Well, of course Ted wants HIM to go to the party. He also wants HER to go to the party. Thus, “Ted really wants him and her to go to the party.” (Hopefully he doesn’t plan to slip either of them a roofie.)
Finally, try this one.
(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda and (he/him). (Yoda might like that!)
1. “(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda.”
2. “(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of (he/him).”
SHE is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda. (Little green bastard deserves it!) SHE is also going to beat the living crap out of HIM. Thus, SHE is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda and him!
Lesson over. Hope it was instructive for someone. For the rest of you bastards, have a nice day.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (3)January 23, 2008
This and That
When I was walking home the other night, I spotted a police car parked across the street from a restaurant. For some reason, I was tempted to make eye contact with the officer and then just take off running. I’m sure he would have pursued me and probably tackled me to the ground and then asked why I ran when I saw him. I’m not sure he’d believe my response: “Because I wanted to see how you’d react.” Seemed like an interesting experiment, but I didn’t want to risk getting shot.
Fred Thompson, you probably ran the most lackluster presidential campaign in the history of politics. Thanks for doing nothing. Hope your wife promised to try a few new moves on you if you’d agree to run for prez. Otherwise, I can’t figure out why you did it.
First Brad (Renfro). Now Heath. I hope Leo’s not next. He’s too great an actor! As a wise man once said, “The happiest people we know are the ones we don’t know.”
Recently saw this shirt: “I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look!” That’d be great to wear to a job interview!
A movie review is coming tomorrow or Friday. Can you guess the movie?
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)January 17, 2008
Snow there, but not here?
Is it colder in Arlington than it is in Washington, D.C.? If not, why the hell did the snow stick to the ground in Northern Virginia but not in the District?
Posted by fool at 07:43 PM | Comments (4)January 16, 2008
Wisdom on Wednesday (Fine, you come up with a better title)
Brad Renfro is dead. That was a hard one to see coming, much like a Britney Spears premature death would be a hard thing to see coming.
Last night, I had the privilege of seeing the Rutgers women’s basketball team play in person. Somehow they all looked healthy despite those really evil, harsh words Don Imus said about them last March. That whole thing was such a joke.
Mitt Romney finally scored a victory. Why did you do this, Michigan? That’s all I want to know. Why?
Fellas, the bottom button on a three-button suit should NEVER be buttoned. I considered dispensing this advice on the subway when I saw a young man who was clearly on his way to a job interview. It didn’t seem like my place, but someone should tell him.
Wouldn’t it be fun if Al Gore got in the race right now?
Mama Fool and Papa Fool celebrated their birthdays this month. They are both nothing short of amazing. I feel incredibly blessed that they got it on when they got it on and created my little life. And they didn’t abort me to boot! (I don’t even think they considered aborting me, despite what I often tell people.) They are my two best friends. I adore both of them. I am very blessed and incredibly grateful.
It’s about time D.C. builds a casino, or at least a card room where strangers can play poker.
I’m starting to wonder whether my female supervisor was offended when she asked me what my goals are for the year, and I replied, “To lift a twenty-five pound dumbbell with nothing but my cock.” Hey, she shouldn’t ask the question if she doesn’t want to hear the answer!
Posted by fool at 12:15 AM | Comments (3)January 15, 2008
What Would God Do?
I wrote the following very, very, VERY short tale a couple years ago when I started this blog.
“Welcome to heaven!” St. Peter exclaimed. “Better than you imagined, isn’t it?”
Ted rubbed his eyes and looked around. His fingers probed his forehead, but couldn’t find the hole that they knew was there.
“What about all that stuff about not going to heaven if you kill yourself?”
“God rewards the truly unselfish, Master Bundy.”
So what do you think, if you believe in heaven and redemption and all those things, does God send a would-be serial killer/rapist to hell for killing himself before committing those horrendous crimes or give him an express pass to heaven for killing himself instead of destroying countless innocent lives? I’m hopeful it's the "express pass" option. Aren't you?
Posted by fool at 12:21 AM | Comments (4)January 14, 2008
For all the Wild-Animal lovers out there, This one is for you!
Picture it, somewhere in Africa. Some lions encounter a bunch of water buffalo. The lions attack a baby water buffalo and restrain him near a lake. Some clever crocodiles spot the action and emerge from the water in an attempt to steal the baby buffalo from the lions. Meanwhile, the other water buffalo decide it's time to launch a rescue attempt to save the baby buffalo. Sound intriguing? If it does, click here to watch the whole thing unfold on YouTube. Pretty remarkable and worth eight minutes of viewing time if you ask me (and I know you didn’t ask me, but you are at my site, so I figure my opinion is worth something to you. If it’s not, in the words of Coworker #1, you can go to hell.)!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (4)January 11, 2008
Random Thoughts from a Traveling Thinking Fool...
Filed from a small Southern airport...
Was the phrase “make no mistake about it” popular/used frequently before our imbecile President got elected? It’s a stupid phrase. I wish he’d stop saying it. I also wish unicorns were real.
Did people always “categorically” deny charges or did that only begin when Marv Albert uttered those words after being accused of biting a woman while wearing panties? (I bet they were pretty panties – probably a red lace number, don’t you think?) Hillary might have won New Hampshire, but Marv Albert is the true comeback kid! And, he’s one of the finest broadcasters in the country, so I’m glad he made a comeback!
The Watergate scandal was called “WATERGATE” because that is the name of the building/complex where the burglary took place. This fact seems lost on people, especially journalists. It annoys me that every scandal now is “something-GATE.” To the thousands of reporters who read this site on a daily basis (no sarcasm there), please, eliminate the “gate” suffix from your vocabulary. Also, please write more stories about tigers, whether they are killing visitors to the zoo or not.
Speaking of tigers, if you bet on the “Tiger will kill zoo visitor” proposition that Vegas was offering last year, congratulations. You made out like a bandit.
This woman at the airport looks like she’s about a millisecond away from giving the guy sitting next to her a hand job. I feel like encouraging this behavior, but don’t know if that would be appropriate, especially considering that the guy is clearly not interested.
I didn’t see Jimmy appear on Jay’s show, but I did see Jay appear on Jimmy’s show. They should do that more often! The writers’ strike makes me think Leno is funnier than Letterman. Of course, nobody was better than the late Tom Snyder.
And finally, a word about etiquette. If you are in an all-day training seminar and the very last speaker concludes his incredibly boring two-hour presentation by asking if there are “any questions,” if you have a question, for crying out loud, ask him privately after class. The rest of us don’t want to hear about your stupid case. It was a good thing I wasn’t armed when that guy raised his hand.
January 09, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
P.S. I Love You
The Gist: During the opening scene, Hillary Swank plays a crabby wife who worries about everything and anything while her Irish husband takes the attitude that things will just work out perfectly in their lives, especially if they get it on more in bed. Well, everything doesn’t work out so well because the Irish dude gets a brain tumor and checks out of this world a lot earlier than any actuarial tables would have suggested. And as we all know, when a spouse dies, that makes it a hell of a lot harder to get it on in bed, unless of course the surviving spouse is a necrophiliac. Because Swank’s character is not a necrophiliac, she is devastated by her husband’s death. But guess what, just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he’s missing from her life! To the contrary, before he died, the dashing Irish lad took the time to write his wife numerous letters and arranged to have them mailed to her at various times following his death. These letters make Swank giddy at times and depressed at others. Not surprisingly, she finds it difficult to move on with all these letters traveling her way.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I didn’t know what this movie was about when I went to see it. (Remember my resolution to see a lot more movies this year – well I’m sticking to it. Plus Papa Fool and Mama Fool recommended this one.) Maybe if I knew what I was getting myself into, I would have had a different experience, but I just didn’t like this one. It was too depressing from start to finish. The uplifting scenes were fun, but quickly gave way to more depressing garbage.
Who Should See This: Lisa Kudrow is great, funny throughout! So if you like her, give it a go. If you want to see how Hollywood portrays grieving the death of a young spouse, then have a go. Otherwise, I’d stay clear.
The Verdict: A very clever plot and interesting concept, but this one just didn’t get it done in my opinion. It loosely reminded me of Return to Me. However, whereas Return to Me was absolutely wonderful (rent it – if you don’t like it, I will not reimburse you the rental fee, but I will offer to tell you to go to hell), this one was a stinker. D+
January 07, 2008
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Mike Wallace is one of my all-time favorite journalists. Did you happen to catch his interview with Roger Clemens on 60 Minutes last night? I was afraid Wallace was going to die. Clemens kept looking at him the way O.J. Simpson must have looked at Nicole before he nearly decapitated her. Here's to hoping 2008 includes a judge saying the following words to the juice: "I sentence you to ten to twenty years for (fill in the blank)!"
Before CBS showed the Wallace-Clemens interview, it aired Lara Logan's interview with Pakastani President Pervez Musharraf. Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I hear Musharraf talk, I can't help but wonder if he's considering opening up a 7-11 when his administration ends. Also, one of my friends who works for 60 Minutes leaked the following unused still footage from Logan and Musharraf's interview.
Finally, Viggo Mortensen was on Hannity and Colmes last night lending support to Congressman Dennis Kucinich’s presidential campaign. Viggo must be in the process of filming a movie about homeless people because he sure looked like one.
Posted by fool at 12:01 AM | Comments (3)January 04, 2008
Day 4 of 366 (That's right; it's a Leap Year - I think) (This has nothing to do with the blog entry)
I've only caught bits and pieces of his show, so correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Jay Leno a hell of a lot funnier withOUT writers than he is WITH writers? I attended a Tonight Show taping a decade ago and was surprised how funny Leno was when he warmed up the crowd. The show itself wasn't particularly amusing, but he was great when it was just his stuff. Screw the writers, Jay. Do your own thing.
I'm really glad I didn't have to pee outside today. (Don't get the wrong idea - rarely have I had to pee outside, but I'm just saying.) It was so cold in Washington that I think I would have had an icicle hanging from my.... (hey, I don't have any writers either; cut me some slack).
Huckabee has no chance of winning the Republican nomination. That's my prediction. I think McCain wins this thing.
Go Obama! What a speech last night! Yet he has no real experience. Hmpf.
Come on, Mike. Get in the race. A billion dollars can go a long way and make this thing even more fun than it already is!
New Year's Resolution #4: See a TON more movies in 2008 than I did in 2007!
New Year's Resolution #8: Blog more frequently and more regularly.
New Year's Resolution #5: Don't write as many crappy blog entries.
So much for New Year's Resolution #5.
Posted by fool at 12:03 AM | Comments (5)January 01, 2008
It's 2008. Wow. Time for some Random Thoughts.
The longer I work for the federal government, the less I like the federal government. Do others feel this way? As a former babysitter would put it, “What a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit!”
When the hell did supermarkets start requiring i.d. to purchase Nyquil? I know Sudafed can be used to make meth, but what the hell is Nyquil used for (aside from falling asleep and feeling really groggy the next day)? That one caught me by surprise.
Christmas came and went far too quickly this year. Speaking of Christmas and coming, what’s the deal with Santa and Mrs. Claus? If I understand things correctly, those two have never had any baby Clauses. I know stuff is always pretty busy at the North Pole, but why haven’t those two had offspring? Is it because Santa doesn’t like to cum in Mrs. Claus? (See how I tied that all together? Wile E. Coyote, Pure Genius. Thinking Fool, Pure Idiot.)
Finally, here’s a heartwarming tale to get your 2008 off to a grand start. A few days before Christmas, I was opening up my mail when I realized I had opened up an envelope addressed to a different person. Well, guess what I found in that particular envelope?!? Two hundred fifty dollars in cash. No, I’m not kidding. I immediately hopped on Google and tried to ascertain contact information for the intended recipient. I finally found a number and gave it a ring and left a voice message. Turns out the intended recipient lives in my building (the envelope was addressed to my apartment number in a different city, so I thought perhaps the post office just messed up and delivered it here instead of to city X. Plus, when I googled the person, everything kept showing up in city X; thus, I figured she lived in city X - I know, what an illogical thought on my part, especially since the street that I live on probably exists in every major American city). I explained what happened and told the woman I wanted to make sure she got the card and cash. She was a complete (brace yourself, here comes the C-word) and total cunt to me. Not a thank you. Not any sort of sense of appreciation. To the contrary, she copped a huge attitude and acted like she was doing me a favor by returning my phone call. Nevertheless, I slid the money and card under her apartment door. Wish I had urinated all over the money. Who the hell sends $250 in cash through the mail these days? I’ll tell you who. The morons who raised the cunt who lives down the hall from me; that’s who.
Happy New Year.
Posted by fool at 10:26 PM | Comments (6)