February 29, 2008
Short but Sweet!
Papa Fool,
I love you.
Thinking (Baby) Fool
Posted by fool at 10:12 PM | Comments (6)February 27, 2008
The COMPLETELY UNnecessary Wake-Up Call
Picture it, 6:45 a.m., Friday, February 22, 2008. I'm jolted awake by the sound of my home telephone ringing downstairs. Thinking to myself, "What the hell is going on? Why would someone be calling me at this time? It still looks dark outside. It can't be daytime yet. I hope nothing's wrong. Crap! Is something wrong?"
I rush downstairs, but not in time to answer the phone. I look at the caller i.d. and see a number and name I don't recognize. It's a Stephen Somebody.... "Who the hell is that?" I think. "It's got to be a wrong number, but even if it is a wrong number, why the hell is he calling someone so damn early?"
I call the number and am greeted by an incredibly cheerful man’s voice, a voice way too cheerful at that time of day.
I say, "Someone just called me from this number."
The voice responds, "Oh, is this Professor Fool?" By the tone of his voice, you’d think he was about a second away from cumming all over his dream lover’s back.
"Yes."
"Hi, this is Stephen Somebody from [local university]. We are calling all of our part-time instructors who teach today to let them know that we ARE having class this morning."
Thinking to myself, "I don’t teach today, you fucking jerk! How the hell is this relevant to my life? Hell, I’m not even teaching a class this semester." Saying, "Um, okay."
The voice continues, "Just wanted to let you know."
Thinking, "Even if I were teaching this semester or even today, who in his right fucking mind thinks it's appropriate to call someone at 6:45 a.m. to tell that person a non-newsworthy event. You just called and woke me up to tell me the STATUS QUO. I damn well know how to access the school’s website, which always reports school closures. Plus, I know how to access my email, and the school ALWAYS sends students and faculty emails when they’re closing the place. Plus, I'm an adjunct professor at this fucking institution. It ain’t Harvard, but it also ain’t the local Bartending Academy. I'm certainly not the brightest bulb in the drawer; I'm just saying, I'm also not a blithering idiot. In other words, if I ever go on a first-degree killing spree - and right now, it's a little tempting - I'm not going to be afforded the protections of Atkins v. Virginia. I'm more than capable of calling the school if I don’t receive an email, don’t see anything posted on the school’s website about being closed, and am still left with a stupid question about whether the joint is open. Even if classes were canceled today, it sure as hell isn't appropriate to call me at 6:45 in the A-fucking-M to tell me this. There's not a single sitcom character - not Seinfeld, not George Costanza, not Larry David, not even Kramer - who would think the bounds of decency include calling someone to report a nonemergency event at 6:45 in the morning. Does this person really think if I have a 9:00 a.m. class—which I don't, not even in semesters when I teach—I need to know that the joint is open a full two hours and fifteen minutes before that class is scheduled to begin? Do they not have my address? Do they think I'm coming from West fucking Virginia? Who the hell is running the show down there, Randall McMurphy, Martini, the Chief, and company? I was never a huge fan, but for heaven's sake, let's wake Nurse Ratched and get her down there - the inmates are running the asylum, and they aren’t exactly doing a great job. Saying, "Ok."
The voice, "Have a nice day."
Thinking, “Go to hell, you fucking asshole.” Saying, "Thanks."
Click.
~~~~~
With all of that stated, Papa Fool, Mama Fool, Brother Fool, and Sister Fool, you have permission to call me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even if it’s just to talk. Nephew Fool, you’re going to have to wait a few years until you can carry on a coherent conversation. Degenerate-Ex-Brother-in-Law, you can call me if you ever need bail money. I won’t provide it, but it’d be nice to receive a jailhouse call from you.
February 22, 2008
Like Scalia, I believe Words Mean what they Say (and other random stuff too)
Last night, a law school friend and I had dinner at a Mexican joint in a fun, little D.C. neighborhood. When I went to use the bathroom, I noticed a sign on the door that stated the following:
"PLEASE DO NOT THROW ANY KIND OF PAPER INSIDE THE TOILET. THANKS."
I'm glad I didn't go in there after someone made stinky because, if that person were anything like me, there would be a bunch of shit-smeared toilet paper stuffed in the trash can.
In other news, it would be a very, very nice treat to wake up in the morning and find out that the federal government is on a two-hour delayed start, or better yet, not going to open at all!
Do you think John McCain stuck his pepe in the lobbyist's coochie cooch? The Senator from Arizona doesn't like tang as much as Bill Clinton, but I think it's safe to say that he's done his fair share of muff-diving. I wonder how many members of Congress have had affairs since taking office. 50%? 70?% 30%? I also wonder how many interns want to have affairs with members of Congress, but don't get to for whatever reason.
I missed the damn lunar eclipse Wednesday night! I always miss these things. In the words of the former Boss' Secretary, "SON OF A BITCH!" In the words of a former babysitter, "Ah, that's horseshit!"
I want to see There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, Definitely, Maybe, and Vantage Point. If you have any suggestions regarding the order in which I should see those, by all means, suggest away.
And finally, remember, "Lord loves a working man, don't step in shit, and never trust whitey."
Posted by fool at 12:02 AM | Comments (5)February 21, 2008
From the “If I had Bigger Nuts, I would have Done This” File
Yesterday afternoon, I attended an information session with a bunch of other federal government employees. About halfway through the presenter’s spiel, this pregnant woman started asking question after question after question after question after question. If you didn’t know better, you’d seriously think she thought she was auditioning for a guest host position on Hardball or campaigning for the “I can be just as big a gunner now as I was when I was in law school” award.
I finally raised my hand.
When the presenter called on me, I looked across the room and waited for the pregnant woman to make eye contact with me. When she finally did, I exclaimed, “I bet you don’t have any idea who the father of your child is, do you?”
And then I got up and left.
Ha, if only my nuts were as big as this guy’s, I would have done that! Certainly would have spiced up the info session!
February 20, 2008
Turning the Tables on Bobby W. and other things...
Two or three years ago on The Chris Matthews Show, Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward (the Watergate reporter) predicted with amazing glee that Dick Cheney would be the 2008 Republican Presidential nominee. At the time, I remember thinking, “Has Woodward lost it? There’s about as much chance of Cheney getting the Republican nod in '08 as there is of Tommy Lasorda paying for dinner tonight (Lasorda is not only known as being a fat bastard who destroyed dozens of young pitchers' arms while he managed the Dodgers, but a cheap fat bastard who destroyed dozens of young pitchers' arms).” Surprise, surprise, Cheney will not be the top man on the Republican ticket this year. Pundits rarely have to answer for their lousy predictions. Fortunately, Woodward will be the first guest on my upcoming Cable Access Television Show (to be seen locally in Washington, D.C., and Baltimore), and you can rest assured I’m going to ask him to explain himself. I hope you'll tune in.
In other news, why do people who have failed miserably at running presidential campaigns (see, e.g., Donna Brazile [Gore] and Susan Estrich [Dukakis]) get to appear on television as experts about how to run presidential campaigns? I don't get this. You completely blow it, yet you're an expert.
When I see people rushing by me on the subway, clearly attempting to get somewhere, I usually exclaim, "Hurry, hurry!" (You know, the same way Dick Clark said it on the $100,000 pyramid during the bonus round.) Always seems like a good idea at the time.
I'm ready for Spring. Aren't you?
Posted by fool at 12:10 AMFebruary 19, 2008
Lohan's Looking Like Lyn, Marilyn that is!
Lindsay Lohan and photographer Bert Stern (apparently he’s a really famous photographer, but I have a feeling when he pulls that “do you know who I am” bullshit line, most people look at him completely puzzled, except of course the Asians, who probably insist that he take a picture of them with THEIR cameras (which are undoubtedly better than Bert’s))... Apparently, Ms. Lohan and Mr. Stern have recreated Marilyn Monroe’s final photo shoot (also coincidentally shot by Mr. Stern).
Lohan described Monroe’s suicide as “tragic” and said that her suicide and Heath Ledger’s recent overdose “are both prime examples of what this industry can do to someone.” She then added that she didn’t know why the industry wrecked havoc on some stars, stating, “I sure as hell wouldn’t let it happen to me.” Lohan, of course, has been in and out of rehab for alcohol and cocaine and definitely had/has an eating disorder. It's refreshing to know the industry isn't getting to her.
Mr. Stern said he thought the photo shoot would be good for Lohan because it would give her a chance to portray herself as a grown up. He also undoubtedly thought the shoot would be good for him since it gave him the opportunity to see Lohan’s entire body, including her boobies and cooch. In lauding Lohan’s willingness to do the shoot naked, Stern said, “I thought she was a natural, not at all squeamish, even when I told her I was going to slide my thing in her pooper while simultaneously putting a JFK-shaped dildo in her vag.”
Posted by fool at 12:26 AM | Comments (1)February 14, 2008
What a Joke!
Yesterday, Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD) grilled Roger Clemens about whether the former pitcher used steroids. At one point, Cummings told Clemens, “It’s hard to believe you. You’re one of my heroes. But it’s hard to believe you.”
To quote Scooby Doo, “Huh?!??”
Is anyone else troubled by this? No, no, not about Cummings accusing Roger of being a perjurer! Obviously if the Clemens scandal were a porno plot inspired by Pinocchio, Clemens’ cock would grow just about every time he opened his mouth. (And other mouths would undoubtedly open to as a result of his growth.) What is troubling (to me at least) is that a 57-year-old man–and not just a regular Joe, but a frickin United States Congressman–would describe a former thug baseball player as one of his “heroes.”
Clemens might have been a great pitcher, but a Jackie Robinson-type, he ain’t! And that’s exactly why, in the spirit of Ricky Ricardo, “Elijah, you got some ‘splaining to do!”
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (6)February 12, 2008
The Thinking Fool’s Virginia Presidential Primary Voting Quiz (Second Entry of the Day - "How about that!")
1. I was on the fence about voting today, but decided to venture outside even though the ground was:
(a) slipperier than an ice rink,
(b) slipperier than the private area of a female midget in the company of Mini-Me,
(c) so slippery that I actually almost fell five times,
(d) all of the above.
2. Much to my delight, I got to vote in the Democratic primary even though I’m a registered Republican. Since McCain has already pretty much locked up the Republican nomination, I gladly accepted a Democratic ballot and cast my vote for:
(a) Mr. Change himself, also known as Barack Obama,
(b) Mrs. Bill Clinton,
(c) that little weasel who is no longer in the race and who claimed to see a UFO once upon a time,
(d) none of the above.
3. When two of the polling workers – both of whom were easily in their 70s – asked me if it was slippery outside, and I responded in the affirmative, they both told me to be careful and noted that “an old woman fell earlier,” prompting me to:
(a) ask them if the old woman was older than they were,
(b) tell them that I actually saw her fall and tried to help, but got creeped out when she tried to pull me on top of her and told me she had a “thing for younger guys,”
(c) ask them if they had heard the rumor about Barack slipping Hillary the hard one-eyed chocolate monster,
(d) think all of the above, but not actually do any of them.Posted by fool at 06:02 PM | Comments (7)
Playing at a Theater Near You...
No Country for Old Men
The Gist: A young, rough, trailer-living cowboy-type stumbles across the aftermath of a drug deal gone bad in the desert. He discovers a briefcase containing millions of dollars in cash and takes less than a nanosecond to decide that he wants the money for himself and his young bride. (The movie never reaches the issue of whether he’d pay income tax on the cash, but I think it’s safe to assume that he definitely would.) The greatest hitman in the history of film wants to track down the young cowboy-type to get the cash. Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones plays a sheriff who wants to save the young cowboy-type and prevent people from getting murdered. Woody Harrelson has a minor role and is fantastic, but that’s no surprise, because everyone is great in this movie!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing. This is a fantastic film. You should go see it when you get a chance.
Who Should See This: Every single person who enjoys movies with the possible exception of children under the age of 10. Okay, maybe kids under 16 shouldn’t see esa pelicula because it’s got a fair amount of violence!
The Verdict: A.
February 11, 2008
A D.C. Transportation Staple and a little Gust or Two...
Are you familiar with the whole concept of “slugging?” Nearly every day, I see people who work in D.C. line up to get in cars belonging to total strangers (who also happen to work in D.C.). The total strangers then drive the passengers to far away, yet commutable places (i.e. Southern Virginia) and enjoy the luxury of driving in the HOV/Carpool lanes. I don’t know if the passengers chip in for gas or what, but I find this whole long-standing practice somewhat baffling. Do any of these people wind up dead (as in murdered)? I can’t believe a slugger isn’t picked off every now and then. Then again, I saw a very well-dressed, middle-aged pedestrian trying to find his way out of a pretty bad neighborhood last night, so I just ended up driving him to his final destination.
In other news, Mother Nature has a nasty case of gas. It doesn’t smell back here, but sure feels like a mini-hurricane. Get it? Mother Nature farts and that causes it to be windy? I’ll be here all week.
February 07, 2008
Thursday Thoughts
Why does Congress care whether Roger Clemens used steroids? On the other hand, sure would be cool if his testimony eventually led to perjury charges!
Shaquille O’Neal is now officially a Phoenix Sun. If Shaq ever pulls his thing out of his shorts during a game, he could single-handedly cause a solar eclipse. Seriously, Arizona has lots of snakes. I’d be shocked if any of those snakes are longer than Shaq’s manhood, including the Diamondback Rattlesnake. In fact, Suns ownership better buy a bunch of ceramic tiles because the owners are going to have to replace a ton of them if Shaq plans to shower with his teammates. Each time his tallywhacker hits the floor of the shower, the tiles will immediately chip and most likely fracture. Hopefully none of his teammates will accidentally choke if Shaq’s weiner ends up getting tangled around one of their necks (like a python).
To the twenty-something-year-old man getting off the metro yesterday evening, the Hitler ‘stache really isn’t doing you any favors.
In the last decade, has there been one man under the age of 30 who has looked good with a mustache?
At what point will people stop caring about Britney Spears? I reached that point a long time ago.
Do you think Gisele comforted Tom after the Super Bowl on Sunday? I just read somewhere that she's no longer with Victoria's Secret.
From Coworker #1, “I think the homeless newspaper would sell significantly better if its content was porn.”
Speaking of Coworker #1, he and I walked by the White House on our way to lunch yesterday. We spotted one of the idiots who try to get you to sign-up for something several feet in front of us. Before he could get a word out, I looked at him and said, “Uzzuh buzzuh arjou rahjee kwristo.” He didn’t bother us.
They might be God’s children too, but that doesn’t mean I have to like homeless people. The excessive, rude panhandling really is starting to get old. If I wanted that, I would have moved to San Francisco.
Posted by fool at 12:05 AM | Comments (4)February 04, 2008
If this is what Senators are Worried About, No Wonder We've got So Many Problems
Last week in a letter to the NFL Commissioner, Republican Senator Arlen Specter demanded that the NFL explain why it destroyed evidence of the New England Patriots cheating scandal. For the record, I am not making this up.
At a press conference, Specter started yapping about the NFL’s antitrust exemption and then actually said, "I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war (no kidding, genius), but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people—and further the Congress—because they have an antitrust exemption." In the words of Scooby Doo, “Huh???”
Specter is worried that the NFL broke its “special duty to the American people” when it destroyed a tape that seems to indicate that the Patriots were in the habit of filming their opponents’ defensive coaches signaling players. Holy Toledo! The Patriots stole the other team’s signals! The Patriots stole the other team’s signals!!! That sure as hell never happens in sports.
Arlen went on to say that the judiciary committee may want to probe the matter.
The only thing that ought to be probed is Arlen’s ass because it sure as hell seems like he's got his head stuck up it. What an idiot.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)February 03, 2008
From the "What he Should have Said" File...
After winning this year's Super Bowl, instead of saying, “I’m going to Disneyland,” I think it would have really been neat if Eli Manning exclaimed, “I’m going to go fuck Tom Brady’s girlfriend!”
Posted by fool at 11:47 PM | Comments (1)