Thinking Fool

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February 27, 2008

The COMPLETELY UNnecessary Wake-Up Call

Picture it, 6:45 a.m., Friday, February 22, 2008. I'm jolted awake by the sound of my home telephone ringing downstairs. Thinking to myself, "What the hell is going on? Why would someone be calling me at this time? It still looks dark outside. It can't be daytime yet. I hope nothing's wrong. Crap! Is something wrong?"

I rush downstairs, but not in time to answer the phone. I look at the caller i.d. and see a number and name I don't recognize. It's a Stephen Somebody.... "Who the hell is that?" I think. "It's got to be a wrong number, but even if it is a wrong number, why the hell is he calling someone so damn early?"

I call the number and am greeted by an incredibly cheerful man’s voice, a voice way too cheerful at that time of day.

I say, "Someone just called me from this number."

The voice responds, "Oh, is this Professor Fool?" By the tone of his voice, you’d think he was about a second away from cumming all over his dream lover’s back.

"Yes."

"Hi, this is Stephen Somebody from [local university]. We are calling all of our part-time instructors who teach today to let them know that we ARE having class this morning."

Thinking to myself, "I don’t teach today, you fucking jerk! How the hell is this relevant to my life? Hell, I’m not even teaching a class this semester." Saying, "Um, okay."

The voice continues, "Just wanted to let you know."

Thinking, "Even if I were teaching this semester or even today, who in his right fucking mind thinks it's appropriate to call someone at 6:45 a.m. to tell that person a non-newsworthy event. You just called and woke me up to tell me the STATUS QUO. I damn well know how to access the school’s website, which always reports school closures. Plus, I know how to access my email, and the school ALWAYS sends students and faculty emails when they’re closing the place. Plus, I'm an adjunct professor at this fucking institution. It ain’t Harvard, but it also ain’t the local Bartending Academy. I'm certainly not the brightest bulb in the drawer; I'm just saying, I'm also not a blithering idiot. In other words, if I ever go on a first-degree killing spree - and right now, it's a little tempting - I'm not going to be afforded the protections of Atkins v. Virginia. I'm more than capable of calling the school if I don’t receive an email, don’t see anything posted on the school’s website about being closed, and am still left with a stupid question about whether the joint is open. Even if classes were canceled today, it sure as hell isn't appropriate to call me at 6:45 in the A-fucking-M to tell me this. There's not a single sitcom character - not Seinfeld, not George Costanza, not Larry David, not even Kramer - who would think the bounds of decency include calling someone to report a nonemergency event at 6:45 in the morning. Does this person really think if I have a 9:00 a.m. class—which I don't, not even in semesters when I teach—I need to know that the joint is open a full two hours and fifteen minutes before that class is scheduled to begin? Do they not have my address? Do they think I'm coming from West fucking Virginia? Who the hell is running the show down there, Randall McMurphy, Martini, the Chief, and company? I was never a huge fan, but for heaven's sake, let's wake Nurse Ratched and get her down there - the inmates are running the asylum, and they aren’t exactly doing a great job. Saying, "Ok."

The voice, "Have a nice day."

Thinking, “Go to hell, you fucking asshole.” Saying, "Thanks."

Click.

~~~~~
With all of that stated, Papa Fool, Mama Fool, Brother Fool, and Sister Fool, you have permission to call me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even if it’s just to talk. Nephew Fool, you’re going to have to wait a few years until you can carry on a coherent conversation. Degenerate-Ex-Brother-in-Law, you can call me if you ever need bail money. I won’t provide it, but it’d be nice to receive a jailhouse call from you.

Posted by fool on February 27, 2008 12:35 AM

Comments

Posted by: acaligurl at February 27, 2008 11:59 AM

Posted by: miss happy at February 27, 2008 09:28 PM

Posted by: Harmless Error at February 28, 2008 10:35 PM

Posted by: teahouseblossom at February 28, 2008 11:03 PM

Posted by: ming the merciless at March 3, 2008 12:09 AM