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March 14, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
The Other Boleyn Girl
The Gist: First, this is based on a historical story, so I feel entirely comfortable revealing certain spoilers. If you like to be totally surprised by events in a film and would have been pissed off if a reviewer informed you that the Titanic sinks at the end of Titanic, then two things. First, you’re an idiot. Second, don’t read this review. Now then, onward we shall march.... King Henry VIII’s first wife isn’t producing any male children. Henry wants to pull an Eliot Spitzer, except since he’s the king he doesn’t need to pay for the sex. (You’d think as governor, Eliot wouldn’t have to pay for the sex either, but as noted earlier, when you look like Gollum and have the personality of extra abrasive sandpaper, guess it doesn’t matter whether you’re the governor or not.) A noble family hoping to whore out their daughter (I honestly believe that’s an incredibly accurate description of this family’s intentions) invites Henry to their estate, keeping their fingers crossed that he’ll want to bang the older daughter, Anne (Natalie Portman). Much to the family’s shock, Anne leads Henry on a hunting adventure that leaves him wounded. Apparently, it’s a big no-no to injure the king. I imagine this is especially true during rough sex, but the movie doesn’t explore that particular detail. Mortified that Anne has injured the King, the family assigns Mary (Scarlett Johansson), the other Boleyn Girl, to nurse Henry back to health. Despite the fact that Mary is married, Henry decides that he wants to play a game of “let me lick Mary’s kitty.” So, he arranges for the entire family to live in his neck of the woods. It doesn’t take long for him to play cover the banana with Mary. She ends up pregnant and giving birth to the king’s bastard child, which is a no-no as far as heirs go, so Henry’s male child “doesn’t count.” Long story short, Anne and Mary hate each other for awhile because Anne thinks Mary “stole” Henry, and then Mary thinks Anne “stole” Henry back. Anne concocts a magnificent plan to get Henry to divorce his first wife and marry her. Unfortunately for her, the harder to get she plays, the more and more pissed off Henry becomes, until eventually he has Anne’s head chopped off at the end of the movie.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I thought it was great start to finish. Perhaps a few more sex scenes with more nudity, but overall, a very well made, engaging movie.
Who Should See This: If you like historical stuff, give it a go! If you liked Elizabeth, definitely give it a go! If you don’t like historical stuff, you won’t like this.
The Verdict: A.
Comments
I really liked Elizabeth. To this day I think Cate Blanchett got robbed of an Oscar. Stupid Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love.
I like Natalie Portman, too. I shall see this movie.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at March 14, 2008 12:54 AM
Fool I like Henry's tact in the end. You have to know when the cut the bullshit off and to do that you have to start with the head.
As a side note, I saw "No Country for Old Men" this weekend. This movie was quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen making it an instant rival of such other cinematic abortions as "Donnie Darko", "The Postman" and "Speed 2". I can't believe this piece-of-shit movie won best picture. The entire movie was pointless. Woody and Tommy Lee Jones were hardly in the movie.
The critics got this one dead wrong. The Emperor is butt assed naked! And you cannot convince me that I missed the deeper meaning in the movie because there was none. I may not have been a film major, but shit! I went to a couple great institutions of higher education (both of which are in the NCAA Tourney! Go Hoyas, Go Big Red!) where I studied literature, philosophy, post-modernist thought and all the other intellectual gobblety gook they threw at me. I don't think I missed the boat on this one, I think there was no boat, but rather, that the Hollywood insiders wanted to feel special and smart so they contrived a boat out of nothing and told everyone the boat was speactular.
Posted by: Wiseazzz at March 17, 2008 11:38 AM
love elizabeth! love the tudors! will def see this movie. (oh and reading teablossum's comment i agree, but i also loved shakespear in love)
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uh yup it is probably good you don't know about the purse borrowing/renting....
buuuuuuut if your wife liked handbags, this might be a suPA cool gift card to get her!! (*wink wink.. i'm just sayin')
Posted by: acaligurl at March 20, 2008 12:42 AM
