April 29, 2008
The Rocket is Crashing and Burning and the Court Gets One RIGHT!
I would like go on record right now and let you know that I never slept with Roger Clemens. I also never let him inject me in the ass with anything. Man alive, do things just keep getting worse for Mr. Clemens or what! The Rocket ought to terminate whoever is advising him. Before this latest escapade, I have a feeling Clemens never faced a situation that he could not overcome. Thus, when allegations of steroid use surfaced, he just assumed that he could talk his way out of it by going on the offensive – filing a defamation lawsuit, appearing on 60 Minutes, testifying before Congress, denying accusations that he boned an underaged country singer, etc. Kind of reminds me of that story about the Old Lady who swallowed the fly and then kept swallowing a ton of other things to try to kill the fly, but just never could recover. We’ll see if Clemens is as stupid as she was; it certainly appears that he is!
Yesterday, the Supreme Court held that, brace yourself, states can actually make voters produce photo identification when they go to vote. For the love of all that is holy, how on earth could the Court impose such a difficult burden on people who want to vote? (Yes, that is sarcasm.) Apparently, requiring photo identification is somewhat controversial because acquiring such identification is more difficult for old people and minorities, and as a result, those groups might be disenfranchised on election days. My question is: “WHY?” What exactly makes acquiring photo i.d. so difficult, especially for old people? Seriously, if you’re sitting at home every day, watching The Price is Right and messing around with your dentures, I think you’d welcome the opportunity to journey to the place that doles out photo identification cards before hitting the local casino. This whole nonsense ranks right up there with “English should be America’s official language” on the “Why in the Hell is this Controversial” meter? Usually I can understand other points of view. Not so much this time.
Posted by fool at 12:34 AM | Comments (7)April 28, 2008
Rev. Al takes the Stage Again
Last week, a judge acquitted three New York City police detectives, two of whom are black, of all charges relating to the 2006 death of Sean Bell, a 23-year-old black man. Officers fired nearly 50 shots at Bell, ultimately killing the unarmed man. As a result, two of the officers were charged with manslaughter while a third was charged with reckless endangerment. In finding the defendants not guilty, the judge said prosecutors failed to prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt.
After the verdicts were announced, Reverend Al Sharpton, who happens to be one of the biggest media whores on the planet (he and Gloria Allred ought to get together), vowed to shut down New York City for a day to protest the acquittals. Sharpton said that authorities "have shown now that they will not hold police accountable. Well, guess what? If you won't, we will!"
This one I don’t understand. If the New York City Police Department had refused to investigate the officers’ actions, then authorities would have shown that they would not hold police accountable. If the District Attorney’s office had refused to indict the officers, then authorities would have shown that they would not hold police accountable. If the judge had dismissed the case before hearing all the evidence, then authorities would have shown that they would not hold police accountable.
However, that’s not what happened.
This is an example of a judge not finding three defendants guilty after conducting a bench trial. (I am curious how this case ended up in front of a judge instead of in front of a jury.) Now, I realize a lot of people might disagree with the result, and if I actually knew the facts of the case, perhaps I’d disagree as well. I have no idea whether these guys should have been convicted or not.
What I do know, however, is that Sharpton will use anything he can to generate attention for himself. What exactly does he want in this instance? Does he think the D.A. threw the case? Did the D.A. assign some rookie trial attorney to handle the matter? Does he think the judicial system should have refused to afford these officers any trial at all? Should we have immediately sent them to jail instead?
Assuming the prosecution didn’t tank the case, the only person Sharpton has any right to target is the judge. Maybe the man in black is a cross-burning New York City Klansman who just wanted to exonerate cops for offing a black man. Sounds implausible, but I suppose one never knows.
The New York City police department has had a rocky relationship with the city’s black citizens. That’s undebatable. But, when cops are put on trial and are ultimately acquitted, I’m curious as to whom Sharpton wants to blame. Guess we'll find out as time marches on. I wonder if the I-Man will weigh in.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (6)April 22, 2008
"Pardon me, May I get by," Dr. Hawking, Go Hill, Go Suns, and even MORE!
As previously noted, I really like tourists, but I’m still trying to find the right words to let them know that they have to stand on the right side of the escalators to let those of us who look like we’re fleeing a liquor store robbery pass safely on the left. Last week, I tried a simple, “Excuse me, but I need to get by,” but that was greeted with hostility and confusion. Yesterday, I altered it a little bit and said, “Excuse me, but if you don’t move out of my way, I’m going to fuck your entire family up the ass.” Unfortunately, that didn’t come out in as sweet a tone as I had wanted. Oh well, I’m open to suggestions if you've got any.
How the hell is Stephen Hawking still alive? Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad he is, but how? It's absolutely incredible, and in a really good way! (Credit: AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)
I hope Clinton wins big today only because I think it’d be such fun to have Democrats go to Denver without a clue as to who’s going to be their nominee. Hell, that egotistical idiot former-peanut-farmer-turned-governor-turned-president-turned-moron might even throw his name out there as a possible consensus candidate if things get to a second ballot. He probably still thinks his one term as President was a successful one.
Here’s to hoping the Suns kick some San Antonio ass tonight.
I don't know about you, but I think it’d be fun to always use “pero” instead of “but” when arguing in court. (They mean the same thing in English and Spanish, in case you missed that little point!)
The Judge: Mr. Fool, why did the government take this course of action instead of doing X?
Thinking Fool: Your honor, we thought long and hard about doing X, pero we thought our course of conduct was proper given the circumstances?
The Judge: Excuse me, did you say, "pero?"
Thinking Fool: Yes, your honor, I did.
The Judge: Why?
Thinking Fool: Because I’m trying to be multilingual.
The Judge: Well, let’s not be multilingual in my courtroom unless you want me to hold you in contempt.
Thinking Fool: Very well, your honor. WAIT a minute, you’re not still mad that I let a bunch of silent-but-deadly farts in your chambers last week, are you? I mean, you recommended the damn restaurant! What did you think was going to happen if I consumed all that milk, beans, and cheese? Seriously, I swear I tried to hold them in, pero, I... oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Shit. This isn't going well. Well, hell, I might as well bust out a mariachi song at this point.
And finally, a little Note to Self: Working out until 12:15 on a worknight does not lend itself to getting to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Posted by fool at 01:08 AM | Comments (12)April 16, 2008
Absolutely Random Predictions
1. Dr. Phil will be indicted within the next three years…
2. The Republicans will maintain control of the White House…
3. My antipathy for Kobe Bryant will continue to wane…
4. My hostility towards Roman Polanski will not…
(I no longer think Kobe raped that woman in Colorado, whereas I’m certain that lowlife Polanski did in fact rape a girl, a 13-year-old one to be precise. Then he fled the country instead of facing the music and continues to dodge justice to this day. It’s really too bad Charlie’s family knocked off Polanski’s wife instead of him.)
5. The Detroit Tigers will win more than ten baseball games this season…
6. Hillary Clinton will run for governor of New York…
7. Her husband will continue to tarnish his reputation, but he’ll get some good tang in the process…
8. Deal or No Deal will continue to entertain me, especially since I can fast forward to the end of the game and breeze through commercials thanks to Tivo…
9. NBC will cancel 1 vs. 100 (it had so much promise)…
10. I will find a way to keep outside light from waking me up in the morning…
11. Papa Fool and I will go to Vegas in 2008 and we will win so much money that we’ll end up owning the Bellagio and the Venetian…
12. Mama Fool and I will go somewhere else…
13. As fun as it would be, the Lakers and Celtics will not play each other in the 2008 NBA Finals…
14. The Department of Homeland Security will keep doing practically nothing to protect our borders regardless of who wins this year’s presidential contest…
15. Jay Leno will host a late-night talk show on ABC…
16. Current Solicitor General Paul Clement will be nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice…
17. Harry Smith will anchor the CBS Evening News once Katie Couric says sayonara…
18. At least once a week, I will continue to feel like a proud parent when I look down to inspect the damage I’ve done to the toilet…
Posted by fool at 01:08 AM | Comments (11)April 14, 2008
On this glorious Monday, First Tiger, Then Rummy, Then YOU!
FIRST, I read a sports column Saturday night that all but predicted a Tiger Woods’ triumphant comeback on the final day of the Masters. The author seemed as certain of his prediction as Vice President Cheney was when he told Tim Russert that Iraqis would greet us as liberators, this despite the fact that Tiger has never won a major tournament when he’s trailed heading into the final round. So much for both predictions…
SECOND, speaking of Iraq, do you think Donald Rumsfeld ever wakes up and thinks, “My God, what did I do?” Do world leaders ever have (and admit to) such intellectual renaissances (after they’ve made incredibly controversial decisions)? A few years ago, the current President Bush certainly struggled when NBC’s David Gregory asked him if he had made any mistakes as president. I don’t know if Bush ever actually came up with one. (I’ll give him three: (1) out of control spending, (2) the Iraq war; (3) the nomination of Harriet Miers (if you haven't read that entry, you should; it's a keeper!).) Rumsfeld cannot possibly think he did a great job as Defense Secretary, can he? If we had committed the resources to winning the Iraq war from the beginning, who knows; maybe we only would have 10,000 peacekeeping soldiers stationed over there today. But that’s not what happened because we tried to win the war on the cheap, and Donald Rumsfeld is largely responsible for why we tried to win the war that way. I wonder if he ever regrets his actions. I certainly wouldn’t want to be him on certain nights when he has to deal with the nightmares that he undoubtedly has. (It also would be awful to wake up in the morning and look down and see an old man’s peter instead of my own.)
THIRD, it’s hard to believe, but in fewer than three weeks, the Thinking Fool will be three years old. Do you have a favorite entry or two or three or four? If so, email me and let me know. I want to compile a “Best of Thinking Fool” list and it’d be nice to get your input. A lot more of you visit than comment each day, so it’d be good to hear from as many people as possible. (It’s often hard for me to gauge what people like and don’t like.) I won’t share your name or email address with anyone if you’re worried about that. My email is ThinkingFool at gmail dot com. Oh, and it should go without saying that I appreciate every reader I have, except you, President Carter. I wish you’d stop coming around here, though if reading my stupid blog would keep you from meddling in world affairs, then grab a cocktail, kick your feet up, get your lovely wife some kneepads, and enjoy. Was he a disaster as governor too, or did he only start sucking once he became president and continue on sucking more and more as an ex-president?
Posted by fool at 12:34 AM | Comments (2)April 10, 2008
The I-Man Makes me Laugh and two other idiotic things...
This is why I love listening to Imus. Listen to the first five minutes of this clip and tell me you aren’t a fan.
In other news, last night I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw a twenty-something-year-old Asian woman with about fifteen packages of Cup-O-Noodles in the supermarket. I really don’t know why this amused me, but it did. Teahouse, naturally I thought of you.
And finally (because this has been such a quality post), if the bastards responsible for getting my cell phone to work actually figure out a way for me to receive calls again, well, that’d be quite nice.
Posted by fool at 12:08 AM | Comments (2)April 09, 2008
Random Wednesday Musings (or RWM for short)
I’d love to go to a restaurant like this one every once in awhile! Props to Germany. Watch the video. If nothing else, it’s neat.
Taxes suck. Why can’t we go to a national sales tax? Seriously, why can’t we?!?! I actually think I'm getting mine filed on time this year. But, then again, I also thought I wouldn't catch anything from that one-legged hooker in Sri Lanka. I wonder if there really are any one-legged hookers. Some guys have to be into that.
For whatever reason that reminds me of a favorite quote uttered by the (former) Boss' Secretary. In describing a coworker, she said, "So and so is really pretty, but she has an overbite. [Pause] But some guys like that." Yeah, probably about as much as they like one-legged hookers. Hmm, if Heather Mills is really upset with the divorce award, well, I'm just saying....
I absolutely have the best two parents in the world. There simply is not a better mom and dad on the planet. And I apologize profusely to both of them for writing that immediately following discussion of one-legged hookers.
I watched an MSNBC special about the BTK killer recently. How the hell is that bastard still alive? What happened to "prison justice?" Same goes for the Green River Killer.
I’ve suggested buying horses and jousting gear so we can have Friday-afternoon hallway jousting sessions at work, but nobody seems to think it’s a good idea. Bummer. Like Thomas Edison, I won't let a few keep me from realizing a great idea.
Speaking of brilliant people like Thomas Edison, Eric Cartman is the greatest television character of all time, yes? Who’s better? If you say Lucy from I Love Lucy, may a rabies-infected squirrel mistake your breasts (or balls depending on what's applicable) for delicious peanuts, the kind Jimmy Carter used to grow. (Click here if you'd like to read Papa Fool's all-time favorite entry.)
I wonder what Kramer is doing these days. I don’t wonder enough to search Google, however.
It’s so easy to spot tourists in this city. I love them (for the most part). They bring a refreshing awe to this city that is sometimes lost. Plus, it’s always really fun to watch them freak out when you offer their children candy.
Posted by fool at 01:01 AM | Comments (7)April 08, 2008
Yesterday’s Headlines with Expert Analysis
Drudge Report: “Biographers say Oliver Stone’s ‘W’ script inaccurate…”
Well, there’s the absolute shocker of the century, because, I mean, Oliver Stone always seems to stay so true to history in all his films, especially when they’re remotely political. You can hate the President with good reason; I don’t really give a damn, but how can you think Fidel is the virtuous being that Mr. Stone thinks he is? Mother Theresa, Fidel isn’t.
MSNBC: “FAA official loses safety oversight duties”
That’s an absolutely shocking development considering the favorable press generated by the FAA the last month. Remember the aftermath of the fatal ValuJet crash in the mid-1990s when a former FAA official spoke out against that agency, citing the extreme conflict of interest that exists when a single organization is supposed to promote air travel while also keeping the skies safe? Well, it's been a dozen years, why don’t we have two agencies at this point? I’m very rarely in favor of expanding the federal government, but we should have one agency to serve as a cheerleader for air travel and a different one to serve as the high school principal (i.e. to keep things in line)! (Hopefully the cheerleader and the principal won't end up banging each other, but that's an entirely different matter. Speaking of teachers banging students, we haven't had a good hot-female-teacher-sleeps-with-young-male-student scandal in quite some time. I think we're due.)
MSNBC: “534 taken from polygamist ranch [in Texas…]”
That pretty much wiped out the state’s entire Mormon population. The moral of the story: Don’t mess with Southern Baptists, at least not in Texas! As a sidenote, it will be so nice if John McCain can actually win the presidential election without catering to the religious nuts in the Republican party. It's time to wrest control away from those folks. They've been a disaster for Republicans this decade and have completely hijacked the party.
Drudge Report: “Son likely gave bird flu to father…”
And that’s probably why Child Protective Services decided to give the father a pass for beating the crap out of his son upon learning the news.
And finally… MSNBC: “Pavarotti’s last performance was lip-synched”
In equally shocking, breaking news, I urinated yesterday… several times. For crying out loud, the big dude's dead. Let it go. And by "big dude," I mean Pavarotti, not my thing. (Hey, a cheap laugh is better than no laugh.)
Posted by fool at 12:51 AM | Comments (2)April 07, 2008
Mr. Cool...
There’s this one guy who lives on my floor who thinks he is too cool for words. You know the type.
I tend to be a gregarious person when I spot someone in the building, so I’m always offering up a random “hello” or “what’s up?” whenever I see someone who lives here, unless of course that person is a minority, in which case I just look down and keep to myself. (That was sarcasm, folks.)
Usually, whenever I offer up a friendly greeting to Mr. Cool, he recoils in such horror that you’d think he thought I just offered to blow him (and swallow to boot). Last night, when I was venturing out to dinner, I saw a random woman and the cool dude getting off the elevator. I said hello, and of course, got his typical cool guy response, i.e. nothing.
I think I chose the wrong word(s). Instead of saying, “Hello,” I think I should have said, “Are you kidding me?!?! You’re taking ANOTHER random girl back to your place! Wow, you are a pussy master, my friend! I hope you're using condoms! I heard you got the last one pregnant and caught something from the one before that. Anyway, have a good night.” Then again, by the looks of the girl in his presence, that probably would have only served as a turn-on.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)April 04, 2008
I've NEVER been so excited to exclaim, "TGIF!"
Have you ever been sodomized? I haven’t, but my job sure did its best to shove itself up me this week. Fortunately, it didn’t have any lube, making entry impossible!
In other news, I really like the new prosecutor on Law & Order.
In even more other news, I like the show Medium. At least, I like the two episodes I watched recently.
Well, that’s about all I’ve got. You expect something funny? Or at least something witty? Maybe even something insightful? Let me explain something to you. Reread the first paragraph in this entry. My job seriously got very close to forcing its way up my rear end this week, and it wasn’t at all gentle about its intentions. TGIF!
Posted by fool at 01:03 AM | Comments (4)April 01, 2008
First Question of April
What do you think goes through cab drivers' minds when they see the check engine light illuminated? I'm glad these people aren't pilots. They don't seem concerned with warning lights. Do you think they ever get their cabs serviced?
Posted by fool at 01:32 AM | Comments (4)