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July 15, 2008
Here’s a Story that will make You Want to Stop in Omaha, Nebraska for some Fried Chicken and Tacos!
Yesterday, the Associated Press reported that a jury awarded a police officer and his family $40,000 in their lawsuit against a Nebraska KFC/Taco Bell. “And why did the jury do this?” you might wonder. Well, because the officer’s young sons became violently ill after one of the restaurant’s employees decided that good customer service required handling the officer’s family’s food with extra special care, and to him, "extra special care" meant tainting the family’s food with spit and urine.
According to the family’s lawsuit, workers saw fellow employee Casey Diedrich taint the food. As a result, they reported his behavior to management, but the managers apparently didn’t inform the family about the extra ingredients. And I mean, why the hell would they? After all, who’s to say that the food from KFC/Taco Bell wouldn’t taste better if it were marinated in human urine and spit? I mean, it would certainly be one thing if the employees were munching on asparagus all day and used their post-asparagus-consumption urine. In that event, it would be ridiculous not to warn the family ahead of time. But for regular urine? I’m pretty sure the Food Network had devoted some shows to the benefits of consuming the liquid yellow stuff.
Miraculously, the jury found the restaurant’s owners negligent. Can’t imagine why. The managers sound like shoe-ins to run some of Donald Trump’s projects; their business acumen is simply second to none.
Here’s what’s great. Last year, as a result of his conduct, Diedrich, the punk who spit and urinated in the food, pleaded guilty to violating the Nebraska Pure Food Act. The Court fined him $100. Apparently, he… WAIT A MINUTE. A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! In the words of Arnold, “WHATCHU TALKING ABOUT, WILLIS?”
This maggot served a family food tainted with spit and urine and received a hundred dollar fine? That seems a tad light to me. What the hell’s the penalty for armed robbery in Nebraska, a $1500 fine and trash duty for a month’s worth of weekends? If I were the judge, I would have made that little bastard serve some sort of jail time, even if it was for one night. And if the statute didn’t authorize jail time, I would have gotten creative with the sentence and mandated that he blow a homeless man or consume non-pasteurized milk directly from a cow’s tit (obviously the “non-pasteurized” part is slightly redundant if he’s sucking the milk directly from a cow’s tit, but just in case the "sucking" part of the sentence was ruled unconstitutional or void, I would want to ensure that he still had to consume non-pasteurized milk (this is why you go to law school)). And if, by luck, the cow sentence was actually carried out, after punk-ass was done consuming the milk, I would have encouraged the D.A.’s office to indict him for some sort of sex-against-animals crime. And would all of my sentencing proposals get overturned on appeal? You bet they would! But guess what. The little bastard would have to sweat it out in the interim. If he’s stupid enough to serve food laced with spit and urine to customers, do you really think he’d be bright enough to figure out that my sentencing proposals were completely unenforceable? The answer is, “NO! He’s NOT that smart!” (By the way, this paragraph is reason number 829 of 109,821 why I will never be a judge.)
Here’s perhaps my favorite part of the story. A company spokesman told the Associated Press that Diedrich was eventually fired for missing work, but NOT for any of the incidents cited in the lawsuit. Let’s just clarify what that means: the company fired the little bastard for MISSING WORK; the company did NOT fire him for tainting customers’ food with urine and spit.
Remember in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson (i.e. Colonel Jessup) looks over at the judge and exclaims, “I don’t know what the hell kind of unit you’re running here?” Well, how many times a day do you think the people who run this particular restaurant get asked that sort of question by customers? I mean, seriously, is there a reason the local police officers haven’t gotten together in the middle of the night and just burned this particular KFC/Taco Bell to the ground? The worst thing that happens is they all get charged with arson and have their attorneys argue for jury nullification at the end of the case. (Actually, I guess the worst thing that happens is that they get charged, convicted, imprisoned, sodomized while in prison, stabbed in prison, divorced, and fired.)
I’ve only been to Omaha once, and I kind of liked it when I was there. Don’t get me wrong, the place didn’t make me have a spontaneous orgasm or anything, but it was certainly much better than I expected. But if I were a police officer who lived in the area, I would find out if the owners of this particular restaurant own any other dining establishments in town, and I’d avoid those at all costs. Or, I’d just burn all of them down. Really a coin flip.
Comments
Yikes! Now I'm afraid what's on my plate because I eat out almost every meal.
The court should have made the guy clean public toilets every day for an entire year.
Posted by: ming the merciless at July 16, 2008 03:57 PM
Euwww..that's totally disgusting.
Excuse me while I go and vomit.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at August 1, 2008 12:14 AM
