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July 10, 2008
Jesse Jackson is an Idiot
Jesse Jackson, the man who should never worry about finding work as long as there’s the possibility that Fat Albert and the Gang will need someone to voice Mush-Mouth, recently made another boo-boo.
On Sunday, when Jackson was about to be interviewed on “Fox & Friends,” he criticized Barack Obama for conducting moral lectures at black churches. Jackson believes such lectures constitute talking down to black people, so in reference to Obama, Jackson said, “I wanna cut his nuts off.”
Yesterday, Reverend Jesse apologized for his remark, asserting that it was hurtful and wrong, but also noting that he and Obama “have a relationship that can survive this.”
Although the media have not reported how the Reverend knows his relationship with Obama can survive, rumor has it that Jackson said, “Look, last decade, I slid my one-eyed snake in one of my staffers. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve played ‘cover the banana’ with a woman not my wife, but, as far as you all know, it was the first time I had a child with a woman not my wife. As you also know, I inappropriately used funds from my charity, the Rainbow Push Coalition, in an attempt to cover up the affair and subsequent birth of my daughter. I assure you all, my wife was not happy when she found out about all this. In fact, when she found out my love juice had been floating around another woman’s cave, it was, well, let’s just say it was not pretty. I tried to pacify the situation that initial night by doing what I always did – swallowing a dozen olives and passing each of them through my rectum completely intact. Unfortunately, that little trick did not work. In fact, not only did it fail to work, my wife actually asked me – in a raised voice - why I thought that little trick ever worked. She told me she was repulsed by my little stunt and also by my propensity to stick my thing in holes not belonging to her. I apologized immediately. I told her I had always thought she enjoyed my olive routine. I explained that I had earned several hundred dollars a month performing that trick at carnivals before I became a Reverend and Civil Rights Activist. She told me if she knew I did that for money, she never would have married me. I replied that she didn’t really mean that. She said she did. I told her not to speak to me like that unless she wanted me to go O.J. on her ass. She replied, ‘Jesse, may I remind you that I just learned that you porked one of your staff members and got her pregnant to boot.’ I apologized and told her that in the heat of the conversation, I had totally forgotten that it was now public record that I had played “Now you see my penis, and now you don’t, but you sure as hell feel it, don’t you, bitch!” with one of my staffers. Despite that admission, however, I tried to explain to her how hurt I was that she didn’t like my olive trick. As a young man, I had worked very hard perfecting that trick and had suffered several beatings from my mother for always taking the olives out of the icebox and returning them covered in shit. I explained this to her, yet she remained unmoved. Well, members of the press, eventually my wife forgave me. And I am certain Barack will forgive me too. And if he would like to see the olive trick, that would actually make my day because, with the exception of Jimmy Carter, I have never done it for anyone since my wife told me it was stupid that night.”
Comments
Don't you also hate how the inside of a nut is called "meat?" I don't get that shit at all.
Posted by: Leaf at July 10, 2008 05:29 PM
I love that searching Google for jesse jackson olive gives this page.
Posted by: pretty's hetero life partner at July 10, 2008 09:27 PM
Leaf, profound as always.
Pretty's Hetero Life Partner, THAT made my day!
Posted by: Fool at July 10, 2008 11:58 PM
[X] Envelope pushed
[ ] Too far
[X] Not quite far enough
Semi-related: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8702563628543862383
Posted by: pro tip: coat olives with wax at July 13, 2008 03:50 PM
Haha! That clip made me crack up! Thanks for passing it along.
Posted by: Fool at July 13, 2008 10:20 PM
Jesse Jackson is a sorry excuse for a politician/community leader. He has no class and is a hack.
Posted by: ming the merciless at July 16, 2008 04:01 PM
Boy Howdy; wished I'da said that !!
Posted by: Willi at July 18, 2008 09:33 AM
