August 29, 2008
Thoughts about Day Four of the Democratic Convention
Obama absolutely hit it out of the park. With the exception of one instance, when he referred to the Taliban as the Tal-ee-ban, as in "Come, Mr. Taleeban, Tally me Banana," the Big O’s speech was flawless. Major Kudos to him. He wore a dazzling tie too, which clashed with his wife’s ugly dress, but those are the breaks.
In other news, could Al Gore be any more boring? I watched his speech and quickly remembered why he lost in 2000. He's stiffer than Anderson Cooper watching Tom Brady warm up before a football game. Gore has the ability to be quite charming and funny. He was neither last night.
After watching most of the convention over the last four days, I would definitely say: ADVANTAGE DEMOCRATS.
Posted by fool at 12:57 AM | Comments (6)August 28, 2008
Thoughts about Day Three of the Democratic Convention
Was it just me, or did Michelle Obama look like she was making a hostage video when President Clinton initially took the stage last night? I haven’t seen someone look that uncomfortable since Eliot Spitzer forced his wife to appear by his side when he told the world he had a different way of getting his groove on. (By the way, does anyone know what the hell he’s doing these days?) Hillary, on the other hand, looked like she was high on pot and laughing gas when she saw her husband.
I’ve got to hand it to President Clinton; he really gave a great speech on behalf of Obama. I can’t imagine the Obama people asking for anything more.
Biden stumbled here and there, but delivered a good, passionate speech. I thought it was super sweet when he paid tribute to his mom. She looked really happy too, though a bit tired. Not sure if it was just because she’s old or if President Clinton had a go with her before the festivities started.
August 27, 2008
Thoughts about Day Two of the Democratic Convention and TV Commentators!
During day two of the Democratic Convention, I only had the opportunity to watch Hillary Clinton’s speech. All I can say is “Wow!” If Hillary had spoken with that much flair and enthusiasm on the campaign trail, she would have been the Democratic Party’s Presidential nominee this year, not Senator Obama.
Immediately following Clinton’s speech, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell told CNN that he hopes he’s around eight years from now. I believe this should officially put to rest any speculation that Governor Rendell is suicidal. For the record, I am not aware of any such speculation, but on the off chance that such speculation exists, we should close the chapter on it, no?
Wouldn’t it be awesome if each of us could create a dream channel for political coverage, tapping our favorite hosts and commentators to appear? My channel would feature the following people. Brit Hume would be my host. My conservative commentators would be Pat Buchanan and Charles Krauthammer. My liberal commentators would be Mort Kondracke and James Carville. My “neutral” commentators would be David Gergen (definitely my favorite), Jeff Greenfield, Ted Koppel, and Gloria Berger. I would probably find a place for Dick Morris too! Who would you hire?
Posted by fool at 01:20 AM | Comments (7)August 26, 2008
Thoughts about Day One of the Democratic Convention
I'm sure I wasn't the only one who was quite surprised when Michelle Obama failed to discuss whether she and her husband engaged in premarital intercourse. I don't expect Cindy McCain to make that same mistake next week. This is the type of thing that voters want to know.
Did anyone happen to catch the incredibly self-righteous former peanut farmer-turned-governor-turned-dismal president named Jimmy Carter when he appeared on PBS? Generally, I find PBS’ news shows about as interesting as reading random pages in the telephone book, but when CNN went to commercial, I switched over to PBS HD and caught the amazingly boring Jim Lehrer interviewing Carter. I came away with two thoughts after watching that interview. First, good old Jimmy does more self-promoting than Don King, only unlike King, Carter is not at all likeable. He couldn’t wait to say something like “I lived with black people and like black people, so even though I was just about as bad a president as the nation has ever seen, you should all know that I grew up with black people.” Okay, so maybe he didn’t say the part about being an awful president – do you think he actually thinks he was a good one? – but he sure loves to self promote. Second, and more importantly, does anyone know if Carter accidentally ejaculated in his eye or something? One of his eyes looked like he dumped an entire bottle of red food coloring in it. If Lehrer were a real journalist, he would have asked Carter why his eye looked like it needed a super-absorbent tampon.
The tribute to Ted Kennedy was very well done. When the senior senator from Massachusetts appeared on stage, it was hard to keep from tearing up. Now that might have been because some homeless man was shoving a plunger up my rectum at the time, but I like to think the water in my eyes appeared for sentimental reasons. Kennedy looked really good. I was actually really surprised. I hope he beats this brain cancer thing. I don’t agree with a lot of his policies, and if he is to meet St. Peter at some point, I think he’s going to have some ‘splaining to do when it comes to the drowning death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but it’s nice to have him around.
Finally, to the white supremacists who want to kill Obama because he’s black, here’s an idea. Why don’t you go down to your local high school and ask someone what it will take for you to earn your G.E.D. and then accidentally swallow about eight pounds of rat poison. John Edwards was right when he said there are two Americas. There are uneducated morons who aren’t courageous enough to stomach the thought that their lives suck because they as human beings suck and then there are all the rest of the people. Everyone loves to be a victim.
Speaking of victims, what the hell is going on with O.J. Simpson these days?
Posted by fool at 12:11 AM | Comments (4)August 25, 2008
Random Monday Musings…
Obama made a good choice in Biden. (I reserve the right to withdraw this statement if Biden ends up trying to fuck Obama’s wife. There’s no reason for me to think he will try to do this, but as any good lawyer will tell you, it’s better to plan for every contingency.)
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had writer’s block over the last couple weeks. True, I’ve been busier than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, first with a work project that left me with less energy than Terry Schiavo, and then with a very fun trip to the beauty that is Southern California. Even so, it would be nice if blog ideas would always flow through my mind with as much frequency as semen flowed through the Olympic Village. I try to write at least 10 entries a month. Obviously I need to pick up the pace and then some if I’m even going to come close to reaching that mark in August. As Ben Stein would say, “I shall do my best.”
It will be interesting to see if the Clintons actually try to help Obama at the Democratic Convention this week. My guess is not so much. Bill didn’t exactly give a great speech on behalf of Gore in 2000 (it was incredibly self-indulgent – shocker), but then again, Bill probably didn’t know that Awesome Al was going to jam his tongue so far down Tipper’s throat that all doubts would be erased regarding her deep-throating ability. (Oh, come on, you don’t think at some point Bill sat around the Oval Office with some of his pals and speculated about whether Tipper could deep throat her husband? I can just picture Bill saying, “You know, I might even let her deep throat me. I might have to send Al to Asia for a week and see if I can make any progress on that front.”) In any event, I don’t think Bill or Hillary will be all that sad if John McCain is our next president.
Is there any chance Bill wouldn’t bang Michelle Obama if given the chance? How awesome would it be if he actually mentioned this during his speech at the convention? “You know, a lot of people have called me a lot of things during this election, but the most hurtful thing by far has been that I am a racist. Well, I stand before you today and tell you unequivocally, I am not a racist. I have done more for black people than any president since Abraham Lincoln. Moreover, if Michelle Obama presented me with the opportunity, I would bury my head so far up her snatch that paramedics would have to be called in to administer me oxygen.” I wish there were Clinton tapes like there are LBJ tapes. How fun would it be to hear his off-the-record commentary?
Some speculated that Obama might choose John F. Kerry, the Democrat’s 2004 Presidential Candidate, to be his Vice Presidential running mate. If any non-mentally-handicapped person actually thought there was any chance of that happening, that person should proceed to the tallest building in his or her respective city, travel to the roof of that building, jab a few fingers up his or her brown hole, and then jump to the ground. Hopefully, the tallest building will be of a significant height that death will result. If said person has any assets, he or she is to create or amend a will, whichever is applicable, leaving all assets to me EVEN if that person has children. With a parent that stupid, there’s no doubt that the children will be imbeciles as well, and they will undoubtedly just squander the parent’s money, whereas I would actually put it to good use, like traveling to Vegas and playing poker. John Kerry? Seriously? There was about as much chance of that happening as Elizabeth Edwards blowing her husband this month.
I’m done. It’s good to be back.
Posted by fool at 01:39 AM | Comments (2)August 21, 2008
Yes, I'm Alive, and Actually Having a Delightful Time on Vacation at the Moment
As I was strolling near the beach today, I spotted the following sign taped to the door of one house:
“All Went Well With Gertrude’s Surgery.”
I’m always happy to hear about people’s good fortune on the operating table. However, I was curious about what sort of surgery Gertrude had, especially considering her name makes it very likely that she was born sometime during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. I figured other people, i.e. random strangers like me who happened to stroll by her house while walking on the boardwalk, would be curious about Gertrude’s surgery too.
And that’s why I decided to sneak up to her door when no one was looking and add the following sign below the other one.
“So Please Call if You Need a Recommendation for a Good Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgeon.”
Wish I knew her phone number.
Posted by fool at 04:07 AM | Comments (2)August 07, 2008
An Open Letter to John Edwards
Dear Senator Edwards,
I respect your ability to make a boatload of money practicing law.
I respect your ability to con people in North Carolina into voting you into the U.S. Senate, even if there was no way you could get them to do it more than once.
I respect your ability to somehow consider yourself worthy of occupying the White House even though you are about as qualified as Dan Quayle.
I respect your ability to stay married to your wife even though, by all accounts, she’s a raging lunatic, at least when she’s not in front of a camera. (I have this on good authority from people who actually are in the know.)
I’m sorry your wife is sick. I’m even sorrier, however, that during her illness, you decided to put your penis inside a woman who isn’t your wife, squirted your little love juice in her box, and made a baby with her.
I am also sorry that you probably made her lick your mole when you were done. Hopefully you only have one mole.
I’m also sorry that you thought you could cover up your love child the same way Jesse Jackson thought he could cover up his. You can’t.
Senator Edwards, the mainstream media has done all it can to keep from outing you. The New York Times had no problem publishing a story about an alleged affair John McCain had with some woman, even though the alleged affair apparently was over by the time the article was published, yet that same driver of news is doing everything it can to keep from dishing the dirt about you.
Well, guess what, Senator. The truth will come out. Have you learned nothing from others? You can’t control this story. Better for you to get out ahead of it now and explain to the world that you have a love child. You might even speculate about what position you were in when the child was consummated. I am guessing horsey, which apparently is like doggie except you make sure the woman is chewing on a carrot.
Ask some damage control experts; they will all tell you the same thing. They will tell you that the American public will be interested to learn more about the horsey position. They will also tell you that you need to confess and apologize ASAP (for having an affair and making the baby, not necessarily for enjoying sex with a carrot in your lover’s mouth). Yes, it will be an uncomfortable few days for you. But if you open up now, you guarantee that you won’t become part of the news cycle forever. After all, the old white dude and the black guy have to select vice presidential running mates soon, and the Olympics are starting. Lord knows how many people the Chinese are going to slaughter in the name of making sure the Olympics go well.
But you won’t open up. You will wait until it’s a huge scandal, something completely out of your control. You will embarrass your wife even more than she’s already embarrassed. You will ruin your chances of becoming part of Obama’s cabinet (and that’s a good thing, for the country).
Good luck, Senator. You’re going to need it.
Thinking Fool
August 05, 2008
Well, what do you know! A reporter got it right!
Mark Jewell of the Associated Press got it right this week. Jewell wrote an article about the rich feeling the pain of the economy. At one point, he explained why people should care when the rich aren't doing so well. "The problem is that when the wealthy get stingy, it trickles down to the rest of us." Amen, Mr. Jewell. Poor men don't create jobs; rich men do. Let's hope Mr. Obama is aware of this.
Posted by fool at 12:32 AM | Comments (6)August 04, 2008
August already? And other random thoughts...
I cannot believe it's already August. Summer is my favorite time of year. I absolutely adore being able to see sunlight until 9 p.m. You can leave work at 8 p.m. in the summer and it doesn't feel depressing because it's still light outside. Yet, in the winter, you can leave at 5:30 p.m. and feel miserable because it's already dark. I don't know where the summer has gone, but I’m going to miss it.
Next year at this time, George W. Bush will not be president. I think just about everyone will be thankful for that. I would respect Bush a lot more if he didn't let spending get so out of control during his presidency. In the words of the judge who sentenced Ted Bundy to death, "President Bush, you went a different way, partner." Historians cannot possibly look back on the Bush presidency in a favorable light, can they?
I have always enjoyed seeing movies and used to love watching Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert review movies on television. Over the weekend, I stumbled across a YouTube video that shows Siskel and Ebert trading jabs while filming a promo for their show. I thought it was amusing to say the least. Perhaps you will too.
Can someone explain to me why you have to break glass to access a fire extinguisher in some office buildings? Who thought of that brilliant idea? At some point in our nation’s history, did America have a problem with white collar workers horsing around with fire extinguishers at work, thereby necessitating that they be kept behind glass partitions? Moreover, if there is a fire and a person cuts his hand on broken glass while retrieving the fire extinguisher, wouldn’t that person have a great lawsuit for a severe design defect?
Hope your August is off to a great start!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (3)