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August 07, 2008
An Open Letter to John Edwards
Dear Senator Edwards,
I respect your ability to make a boatload of money practicing law.
I respect your ability to con people in North Carolina into voting you into the U.S. Senate, even if there was no way you could get them to do it more than once.
I respect your ability to somehow consider yourself worthy of occupying the White House even though you are about as qualified as Dan Quayle.
I respect your ability to stay married to your wife even though, by all accounts, she’s a raging lunatic, at least when she’s not in front of a camera. (I have this on good authority from people who actually are in the know.)
I’m sorry your wife is sick. I’m even sorrier, however, that during her illness, you decided to put your penis inside a woman who isn’t your wife, squirted your little love juice in her box, and made a baby with her.
I am also sorry that you probably made her lick your mole when you were done. Hopefully you only have one mole.
I’m also sorry that you thought you could cover up your love child the same way Jesse Jackson thought he could cover up his. You can’t.
Senator Edwards, the mainstream media has done all it can to keep from outing you. The New York Times had no problem publishing a story about an alleged affair John McCain had with some woman, even though the alleged affair apparently was over by the time the article was published, yet that same driver of news is doing everything it can to keep from dishing the dirt about you.
Well, guess what, Senator. The truth will come out. Have you learned nothing from others? You can’t control this story. Better for you to get out ahead of it now and explain to the world that you have a love child. You might even speculate about what position you were in when the child was consummated. I am guessing horsey, which apparently is like doggie except you make sure the woman is chewing on a carrot.
Ask some damage control experts; they will all tell you the same thing. They will tell you that the American public will be interested to learn more about the horsey position. They will also tell you that you need to confess and apologize ASAP (for having an affair and making the baby, not necessarily for enjoying sex with a carrot in your lover’s mouth). Yes, it will be an uncomfortable few days for you. But if you open up now, you guarantee that you won’t become part of the news cycle forever. After all, the old white dude and the black guy have to select vice presidential running mates soon, and the Olympics are starting. Lord knows how many people the Chinese are going to slaughter in the name of making sure the Olympics go well.
But you won’t open up. You will wait until it’s a huge scandal, something completely out of your control. You will embarrass your wife even more than she’s already embarrassed. You will ruin your chances of becoming part of Obama’s cabinet (and that’s a good thing, for the country).
Good luck, Senator. You’re going to need it.
Thinking Fool
Comments
I also think President Bush should come out and apologize to the public for his affair with Condeleeza Rice.
Seriously, is there any proof of this affair beyond unsubstaniated claims by the national Enquirer? Is the press obligated to report unsubstantiated rumors as fact? If so, you need to draft a letter to Cher immediately demanding that she release details of her alien baby.
You've been reading too much Mickey Kaus (you would think Edward's schupt his wife the way he has been carrying on about this for months).
Posted by: over_educated. at August 7, 2008 09:00 AM
I don't know who Mickey Kaus is. What was the proof with the John McCain affair? The New York Times had no problem splashing that across its front page. Just give this one a little bit of time. If the story doesn't materialize into fact, I will write an entry solely devoted to apologizing to you. Oh, and I know someone who is very connected in the Democratic Party and that person is my source for claiming that Mrs. Edwards is a total bitch. And she happens to be pretty reliable, so I buy it.
Posted by: Fool at August 7, 2008 11:16 PM
You are correct, the McCain story was total bullshit and shouldn't have been printed. I just think that in this case 2 wrongs don't make a right. Mickey Kaus is a Slate write who has advanced that exact same argument as to why the national news media should "cover" this story.
I don't doubt that Mrs. Edwards is a total bitch (having cancer does not make you a saint), but I think that is irrelevant to whether or not this is a national news story.
Whether this is true or not (and to be honest, I do not know), there needs to be a lot more evidence than some grainy photos of Edwards holding a kid before you put out something about his personal life. The dude isn't even running for anything anymore.
Posted by: over_educated at August 8, 2008 10:39 AM
So in light of today's admission I believe that you are, in fact, John Edwards
Posted by: thenambypamby at August 8, 2008 03:22 PM
Haha, Namby! A coworker told me about today's developments - I have been in a work coma all week, which is finally over thank God! I am certainly not Mr. Edwards. He's a scumbag.
Over_Educated, you don't think Edwards is "running" for Vice President or Attorney General?
Posted by: Fool at August 8, 2008 05:56 PM
Well, Well, Well, why is this a surprise to anyone? Do you not remember the old adage "how do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving!!!" Edwards is seen as charming, good looking, he's rich and powerful. Duh! Talk about a chick magnet. This town (DC) is so full of lawyers screwing their paralegals, secretaries, co-attorneys...is it any wonder they take it up to the Hill and beyond? The real disgrace is how the MSM protects Democrats and pounces on conservatives when this happens. I don't doubt for a minute that if this had been Huckabee or Rove it would have been plastered on the front pages of papers from the NYT to the LAT...and no one would have hid behind the "Oh, we can't trust the Enquirer..." I can't wait to hear their excuses now that its fact. (If the baby isn't his and the affair with a woman he didn't love is over...why was he visiting the hotel?) Remember, lawyers are mercenaries who are trained to spin tales in court and sound sincere. ITS THEIR PROFESSION!!!!! Get involved with one at your own risk.
Posted by: DCLo at August 8, 2008 06:19 PM
Well that was quick, and yes, I am John Edwards.
As for him "running" for Attorney General. Quite frnakly, we do not know. He dropped out of the race, is no longer a Senator, etc... By this logic EVERY ex-officials dirty laundry needs to dragged out into the public square.
I will stand by my conviction that using the Enquirer as a serious journalistic news source is a mistake, even if they were right in this instance. You know, stopped clocks and all that. If oyu are arguing that the Enquireer is a trustworthy newssource I suppose you support the voluminous reportage they have done on George W. Bush's affair with Condeleeza Rice?
Posted by: over_educated at August 11, 2008 10:09 AM
Hey over_educated- Where did you receive your over_education in spelling? It's remarkable.
Posted by: Leaf at August 11, 2008 12:15 PM
For the past 2 days I've had "Billie Jean" running through my head.
"But the kid is not my son.."
Posted by: teahouseblossom at August 11, 2008 11:10 PM
Yes, my spelling (or more accurately, typing) is atrocious. Most forums I use have an edit function so I can go back and correct. Unfortunately this one does not.
Posted by: over_educated at August 12, 2008 07:54 AM
Oh how unfortunate for you. Maybe you should order "Hooked on Phonics" because could you imagine how much more over_educated you could be? The possibilities would be endless.
Posted by: Leaf at August 12, 2008 05:58 PM
Sadly, "hooked on phonics" did not work for me... Got a mighty big chip on your shoulder/inferiority complex going on there don't you leaf?
Posted by: over_educated at August 13, 2008 08:36 AM
No, no chip. I actually applaud your use of a pseudonym so accurately Indeed, a false name.
Posted by: Leaf at August 13, 2008 12:00 PM
That would have been an awesome comeback, if you could have written it in a manner that made any sense. But I will give you a pass Leaf because you acknowledge that Maggie Gyllenhal is fascinating, that alone makes you all-right in my book.
Posted by: over_educated at August 13, 2008 02:09 PM
It was early and pre-coffee so my brain wasn't fully functioning. LOL!
Posted by: Leaf at August 13, 2008 05:23 PM
How about a truce then? I won't comment on your punctuation, and you don't comment on my spelling. Now let's hug it out bitch!
Posted by: over_educated at August 13, 2008 10:10 PM
Word.
Posted by: Leaf at August 15, 2008 07:21 PM
Can't we all just get along?
Fool, what mole? I didn't realize Edwards has a mole.
Posted by: Ming the Merciless at August 17, 2008 03:47 AM
Is it socially acceptable to yell out "Yes, Vanderbilt!" when doing horsey?
Posted by: Irrational Exuberance at August 22, 2008 11:44 AM
