September 25, 2008
Point is you need to get TO the Point!
Picture it, the end of the Subway Line, about 9:30 p.m. on a weeknight. My friend has just dropped me off after dinner, so I can metro home. As I walk towards the fare gate, a young man in his early twenties stops me. When he asks me for a minute of my time, I’m certain he and his friend are going to hit me up for money. I was wrong.
Thinking Fool: Go ahead.
Young Man: Hi, how are you tonight?
Thinking Fool: I’m fine. What’s up?
Young Man: Well, we are students at [Name of Some School I’ve never heard of]. Have, you, ugh… well, do you believe in God?
Thinking Fool: (Oh Christ. Here we go.) Yes, I do.
Young Man: Great, and do you, well, do you identify with a particular faith?
Thinking Fool: (Right now, I’m identifying with all the other bastards you bothered today.) Yes, I do.
Young Man: Would you consider yourself a Christian?
Thinking Fool: Yes.
Younger Man: Oh great. Well, then you’re familiar with God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, right? But have you ever heard of God the Mother?
Thinking Fool: No.
Younger Man: Well, not many people have, but the Bible is rife with passages about God the Mother. For example (proceeds to show me Bible passage from Book of Revelations identifying God the Mother).
Thinking Fool: Okay, great.
Younger Man: So, it’s clear that the Bible mentions God the Mother, right?
Thinking Fool: That passage certainly suggests so, yes.
Younger Man: Well, here’s another passage. (Shows me another passage).
Thinking Fool: Okay, great, bud. I agree. The Bible mentions God the Mother. What’s your point? I’ve got to go.
Younger Man: Well, don’t you think it’s odd that nobody has really ever heard of God the Mother?
Thinking Fool: (Right now, I find it odd that nobody has stabbed you in the leg.) Yeah, sure, but what’s your point.
Younger Man: (Shows me another Bible passage supporting his contention that the Bible mentions God the Mother.)
Thinking Fool: Dude, I understand there’s God the Mother. That’s obviously point number one in your lecture. I’m ready for point number two. So move on from point number one and get to point number two, okay?
Younger Man: Well, Christians have heard about God the Father and Son and Holy Spirit, but they haven’t heard about God the Mother. But to have a child, you need both a Father and a Mother, right?
Thinking Fool: (Looking at him with a deer-in-headlights look, thinking, “He’s not going to just continue to make point #1, is he?”)
Younger Man: (Showing me another passage about God the Mother).
Thinking Fool: (Staring the sidekick in the eyes) How come you never talk?
Sidekick: Oh, I do.
Thinking Fool: Well, you didn’t say a word until just now. Are you guys like Penn and Teller?
Sidekick: (Clearly has no idea who Penn and Teller are) He’s just a better speaker.
Thinking Fool: Who told you that, him?
Sidekick: No, he just knows more.
Thinking Fool: Oh really? I bet he told you that.
Sidekick: No, it’s just true.
Thinking Fool: He sounds like a racist to me. He’s a white man acting all high and mighty. He’s acting like he’s smarter than you are. He’s trying to keep you down.
Sidekick: Nah, it’s not like that at all.
Thinking Fool: (Thinking, “He’s probably right, considering that both are white.”) Well, if you say so. (Looking back at the other guy) Look, I’ve got to go. So you want to give me your main message before I leave? I understand your first point; there’s a God the Mother. But what’s the ultimate point? I need to believe in God the Mother in order to be saved? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Younger Man: Let me show you another passage. (Proceeds to show me a passage where God the Mother is mentioned.) You see, people have heard about God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but hardly anyone has heard about God the Mother, but clearly the Bible discusses God the Mother.
Thinking Fool: (Walking away) I’ve got to go. Good luck, guys.
I think I was a hell of a lot more patient with these two clowns than most people would have been, but for the love of God (the Mother), you’ve got to get to the point. These two seemed like Willy Loman at the end of his career. (He was the bastard who couldn’t sell anything the older he got, right?) They just couldn’t seal the deal. I wish they would have asked me for money.
September 24, 2008
Random Wednesday Wonderings...
We don’t know if Joe Torre would have gotten the Yankees to the playoffs this year. What we do know is that Joe Girardi didn’t. If the Queen of Hearts were running things, she would undoubtedly yell, “OFF WITH JOE’S HEAD (Girardi, that is)!”
Speaking of Alice in Wonderland, was Lewis Carroll high when he wrote it?
And has an animated character ever had a cooler voice than the Cheshire Cat? (Perhaps Soundwave from Transformers.)
Wouldn’t it be cool if Lindsay Lohan ended up with Anne Heche?
Along that same genre, who cares if Clay Aiken is gay?
Moreover, who the hell didn’t know that Clay Aiken is gay?
If the hotel where I’m staying is interested in cutting costs, it might consider raising the temperature in the common areas above 40 degrees.
Is it just me or do you think one can make a ton of money in the stock market right now?
Several months ago, I was so excited about the prospect of our presidential race being between the Big O and the Old Man. I felt like that was a no-lose situation. Now, I feel like both are douche bags.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (4)September 19, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
Burn After Reading
The Gist: Osborne Cox (John Malkovich) is forced out of the CIA, so he decides to write a memoir. His ice-cold wife is having an affair with a State Department employee (George Clooney). (Clooney actually seems like he’s playing himself because his character definitely has a propensity to slip his one-eyed salami in lots of dark caves.) The icy-cold wife decides she wants to divorce Cox, so she gathers up all the couple’s financial details to make sure she can really screw him over in the divorce. Her lawyer’s secretary leaves an electronic copy of those financial details at her gym, where Brad Pitt (playing a total idiot) and Frances McDormand (loser in love) work. They think the disk has lots of classified information that they can use to extort money out of Cox, so that’s exactly what they try to do. Hilarity ensues!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I don’t pretend to understand every detail in this film. It was actually all over the place. However, I laughed, and I laughed, and I laughed, and I laughed some more. I had no idea what to expect walking in, but left on such a high that I cannot recommend this more strongly. Brad Pitt is absolutely masterful. John Malkovich is superb too. Everyone really turned in great performances. The scene where Brad Pitt calls John Malkovich was hysterical. The scene where they meet in person also was great. And every scene involving the bald psychiatrist from Law & Order was really well done. Things come together at the end in a really enjoyable way too.
Who Should See This: Not everyone will like this. One of my coworkers didn’t. The critic for Time magazine didn’t. I, on the other hand, had a blast from start to finish, so if I were you, I’d give it a try!
The Verdict: I will see this one again at some point. A
September 18, 2008
Perhaps One Sacred Text Needs a Little Updating
There is something amusing about seeing a Muslim woman wearing a headscarf while she uses a pink Motorola RAZR phone. My guess is Allah would not like that. I mean, if he's not down with letting them show their faces, drive, etc., he can't possibly be down with them yakking it up on a cell phone on the Metro, can he?
Posted by fool at 12:26 AM | Comments (1)September 16, 2008
Charlie Gibson and Sarah Palin: The Stuff They Will Not Tell You
Did anyone catch Charlie Gibson’s interview with Sarah Palin last week? Even if you didn’t, by now you’ve surely heard about Palin’s alleged gaffe, i.e., that she didn’t know what the Bush Doctrine is. I purposefully wrote “alleged gaffe” because apparently there really isn’t any consensus about what exactly the Bush Doctrine is. Charles Krauthammer pointed this out in a well-written column following the Gibson-Palin interview.
Fortunately for me (and you too since I’m willing to share inside information with you), I have a very close friend who works behind the scenes at ABC News, and he managed to get me a copy of some of the unaired portions of the interview with the agreement that I wouldn’t post the video on my site. (I am allowed to post the transcript.) Yes, there are versions of the “full interview” floating around the Internet, but even those versions have been heavily redacted. I actually have to give credit to Gibson and ABC News for not trying to sink Palin’s national career before it even begins. They could have used this stuff in a non-flattering manner, but chose not to, probably realizing the material just isn’t relevant (though the cynic in me thinks ABC refused to use the material because it made Gibson come off sounding weak; you be the judge).
Charles Gibson: Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?
Sarah Palin: In what respect, Charlie?
Charlie Gibson: The Bush -- well, what do you -- what do you interpret it to be?
Sarah Palin: To be honest, I’m not entirely certain. However, if you’re asking me if I shave my snatch, that’s none of your business, and frankly, Charlie, that’s the sort of Washington Insider politics that the American public doesn’t want to hear anymore.
***Ten seconds of stunned silence***
Charlie Gibson: If I just heard you correctly, you just asked me if my question about the Bush doctrine was somehow a question about how you groom your genital region. Is that what-
Sarah Palin: It’s a pussy, Charlie. You can call it a pussy. In Alaska, we call it a pussy. And across the country and in small towns everywhere, hard-working men and women call it a pussy. Your wife probably even calls hers a pussy, Charlie. Your daughter probably does too.
Charlie Gibson: First, you can leave my daughter out of this. Second, with all due respect, governor, I don’t think calling a female’s genitals a pussy is appropriate on network television, especially when you’re running for Vice President.
Sarah Palin: You know, Charlie. You’re just another media elitist who tries to dictate what common Americans should and should not do. Frankly, Americans are sick of that type of mentality. I’ll have you know that last March, to show the hard-working people of Alaska how special our state is, I trimmed my bush in the shape of a dog’s paw to celebrate the start of the Iditarod. Is that the type of Bush doctrine our country needs? Maybe so, Charlie. Maybe not. Point is: John McCain knows what this country needs, Charlie.
***Twenty seconds of stunned silence***
Charlie Gibson: Wow. I, uh. Wow. Let me take a minute to regroup here.
Sarah Palin: Take all the time you need, Charlie.
Charlie Gibson: Do you, uh. Wow. I still can’t believe you just told me that you shaved your genital region in the shape of-
Sarah Palin: Of a dog’s paw, Charlie. I shaved my pussy in the shape of a dog’s paw.
***Thirty seconds of stunned silence***
Charlie Gibson: I, just, uh. Wow. I don’t, uh, well, it’s just that, uh. Wow.
Sarah Palin: Take a deep breath and get a hold of yourself, Charlie. You’re shakier than Michael J. Fox on a trampoline right now.
Charlie Gibson: I’m shakier than what?
Sarah Palin: Than Michael J. Fox on a trampoline. He’s got Parkinson’s. Didn’t you know that? Or Muhammad Ali on one of those climb-a-ladder-made-out-of-rope games they have at a carnival. You know, the kind where you have to climb a flimsy rope ladder and ring a bell at the top to win some sort of stupid prize that is made by some dot-headed 7-11-wannabe-owning imbecile in India. Oh hell, you’ve probably never been to a fair or a carnival, have you? My husband fucked me for the first time on the Ferris Wheel at the Alaskan State Fair. Every time we watch Wheel of Fortune, he puts his toe in me.
Charlie Gibson: Governor, you know we’re recording this, right?
Sarah Palin: You know, Charlie. One time, my husband–he’s a professional snowmobiler, by the way. One time, he told me he was going to film us making whoopee. And frankly, I didn’t think it was a good idea at first, but then he told me that he was going to. Oh wait, Charlie, I can tell you’re confused. “Make whoopee” is another way of saying, “fuck each other.” Hell, you don’t even get that, do you? Penis inside vagina! You understand? Who the hell hired you, anyway? If Jennings never died, you’d still be smiling that fake smile in the morning and saying, “Good Morning, America” and then interviewing animal experts about why grasshoppers are trending towards sleeping in human’s butts more now than they ever did in the past.
Charlie Gibson: Governor, what the hell are you talking about?
Sarah Palin: Oh sure, Charlie. You act all naïve, like you’ve never had a grasshopper up your ass. I can tell you have just by the way you wear your stupid glasses. Do you think that makes you look smart, Charlie? Well, it might, but it also makes you look like a first-class prick, Charlie. You know, when my husband brought that camera into our bedroom, I never dreamed that when he told me to close my eyes, I’d open them up to see a polar bear screwing the family cat. Yeah, it killed me inside that Fluffy died the next day. But you know what, Charlie, the experience made me a better, tougher woman, and it made me a better governor. And that’s the type of reform we need, Charlie. And don't give me any shit about having a cat named Fluffy. She was ten times the cat you'll ever be.
Charlie Gibson: (Looking over to stagehand) Am I in a fucking Twilight Zone episode right now? This woman makes Charles Manson look sane.
Sarah Palin: Perot was a good governor, Charlie. He did a lot for the state of Texas when he governed it.
Charlie Gibson: First off, Ross Perot was never a governor. Second, why are you talking about him.
Sarah Palin: Oh, the world according to Charles Gibson. How great is this. I bet Perot never fucked his wife either, did he, Charlie? And I bet he also never made love to a moose before shooting it, did he?
Charlie Gibson: Have you done that?
Sarah Palin: That’s none of your business, Charlie. If you want to ask relevant questions, go ahead and do it, but I’m not going to just sit here and let you ask me completely irrelevant stuff because you think you have a little power. I’m not going to stand for that. John McCain is not going to stand for that. And frankly, the American public is not going to stand for that.
Apparently, there's more too, but my friend said it's super sensitive and he couldn't give it to me.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (4)September 15, 2008
Wow! September is Half Over! (That was fast!)
I do NOT want Sarah Palin to be President of the United States. Let's face it, folks. She just doesn’t have the experience. In that regard, she’s very similar to Barack Obama. Say what you want, but at least the Republicans have the experienced one at the top of the ticket. Obama is incredibly inspirational, but he seems better suited for a Vice Presidential slot right now.
Apparently Lehman Brothers is going to file Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Will the government save that company’s ass too? Shouldn’t a company be allowed to fail once in awhile without Uncle Sam playing the doting parent who steps in and tries to fix everything? There are winners and losers in capitalism – seems like our government is unwilling to actually let there be some losers.
If you like good movies, you should make a trip to your local theater soon! More on that later in the week…
Posted by fool at 01:09 AM | Comments (5)September 12, 2008
Public Service Annoucement
To the young man on the orange line this morning, I can only say this: son, ask your parents to buy you some deodorant! Hell, I will chip in for the cause. Paris might be superior to D.C. in many ways, but we’ve always trumped the Parisians when it comes to a less smelly subway system. You, my friend, did all you could to take away that advantage from us this morning. Your body odor smelled worse than a diarrhea-infested toilet in a public restroom. Thank God you are a tourist. Go home!
Posted by fool at 06:10 PM | Comments (2)September 11, 2008
Nine. Eleven.
It was an awful day, seven years ago. How else can you describe it?
May the victims of that horrific assault continue to rest in peace, and may their families’ scars be less tender now, their days filled with more laughter than tears.
September 10, 2008
The Sarah Palin Sex Tape
Yes, it’s true. I am one of the undecided voters. However, unlike a lot of potential McCain-Palin voters, I will not reject the ticket if a Palin sex tape emerges, and I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that most people would not be surprised if such a video surfaces. And I also don’t think anyone would be surprised if one of the participants on the tape ends up being dressed up like a moose. What WOULD be surprising, however, is if a sex tape surfaces featuring Palin and Pat Morita, i.e. Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.
“Okay, Sarah son. Now I show you how to ‘lick the cock.’”
“But, Mr. Miyagi, how will this help me learn karate?”
“Da! Da! Da! Da! Da! Da! (Angry glance.) I tell you NO QUESTIONS you want me teach you karate! YOU UNDERSTAND?!?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Miyagi. It won’t happen again. This just is so much different than when I learned how to hunt moose.”
“It okay, Sarah son. Just not to happen again. Now, Sarah son, I need you to kneel on ground.... Okay, that very good, Sarah son. Now, open mouth…. Yes, just like that. What? No, I don’t need wear condom for this…. Because that not part of proper instruction…. What? Because, it has-WAIT A MINUTE! I TEACHER, DAMNIT! STOP ASKING QUESTION! (Five seconds of awkward silence.) Okay, Sarah son, get ready.... Now, take cock in.... Take cock out.... Take cock in.... Take cock out.... Swirl tongue left.... Swirl tongue right.... Swirl tongue left.... Swirl tongue right.... You doing fine, Sarah son. Just keep going. Lesson be over in about thirty seconds. Oh, and trust me, you very lucky I your teacher. Your throat hurt later if your teacher black.”
I have a feeling this would be a very popular film.
Posted by fool at 12:54 AM | Comments (5)September 08, 2008
Random Monday Musings
John McCain’s mom certainly has lost a lot of weight since being photographed standing next to former president George H.W. Bush. Must have cut back on the carbs...
Over_Educated, you recently asked why I haven’t posted about Sarah Palin’s alleged affair given that The National Enquirer is running stories. This is obviously a reference to my Open Letter to John Edwards in which I called for the former North Carolina Senator to admit to his affair and love child, an entry, which, just for the record, I happened to post the night before Edwards ended up admitting to the affair (he still hasn’t admitted to the love child). You chastised me for believing the Enquirer then, and the implication is why shouldn’t I believe the Enquirer now! Here’s my response: Sarah Palin might have had an affair. I honestly don’t know enough about the story, other than when I did a Google search, it looks like the media certainly has been covering it with full force, something they did not do for months with the John Edwards story. Make no mistake about it, if Governor Palin let a pecker not belonging to her husband slide insider her cooter, especially if that pecker belonged to John McCain, that will be a news story, and it will come out, and you can rest assured the media will cover it.
By the way, in asserting that there was no evidence of a John Edwards affair, you made the following comment: “I also think President Bush should come out and apologize to the public for his affair with Condeleeza Rice.” I know your comment was tongue-in-cheek, but I feel I should respond now (only because my mind didn’t think of this then). Given George Bush’s disdain for black people, do you really think he would sleep with Ms. Rice? ;-) See Statement of Kanye West on September 3, 2005 (“George Bush doesn’t like black people.”).
September 03, 2008
Prediction Time and other completely random stuff...
I predict John McCain will come out Thursday night and, no, not tell people he prefers the pecker over the cooter (if that's what you thought when you read the words "come out," I apologize); I think he will come out and tell the American public that he will only serve one term if elected.
A president is incredibly powerful - obviously - but so are the members of his cabinet. Why don't candidates announce who would serve in their cabinets if they get elected? I would like to know who Obama and McCain would name as Attorney General and Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense, etc. I feel like we're being asked to choose between living in two furnished houses, only we never get to see the actual furnishings until after we've made a decision about which house we want. The house is the most important thing, but if these guys are going to appoint bozos to run the government (see, e.g. past chatter about John Edwards being the Attorney General), it would be nice to know this before voting day.
Why do airlines allow people who have worse diction than Mush-Mouth to make the announcements in the terminal. I'm pretty sure the guy running my particular gate just told us our flight is getting ready to board, but he also might have told us that he's going to take a dump in his coworker's mouth and would like us to stand by for more information.
Wolf Blitzer says "stand by" a lot. I'm really surprised he's made it in television.
Remember the pre-TSA airport security days? You had people who literally had just arrived from Ethiopia, Somalia, etc. running the security checkpoints. Even before 9/11, who the hell thought that was a good idea?
Posted by fool at 05:05 PM | Comments (8)September 02, 2008
And Summer Goes Bye-Bye...
Not sure what I think of the Palin selection yet. I'm still waiting to learn more about her. Obviously she's completely unqualified to be commander-in-chief right now. Would she learn enough on the job to make her qualified one day? I don't know. At least one of the four candidates actually has some executive experience now.
There has never been a single Taco Bell commercial that has left me thinking, "Wow, that looks really good!" To the contrary, I always think, "I would rather take my family's dog out for a walk, scrape up her urine and poop, mix the contents in a blender, and gulp the result down my throat like a smoothie."
Saw Kato Kaelin the other day. He looked good. Can't believe he's almost fifty.
Posted by fool at 04:37 PM | Comments (2)