October 30, 2008
Palin Pales in Comparison to, Well, Dan Quayle and All the Rest...
I usually can do a pretty good job of putting myself in other people’s shoes to understand their views on particular things. For example, I am in favor of the death penalty, but I definitely understand why a lot of people are against it. I am not in favor of increasing taxes on rich people, but understand why others think that is what our country needs. I eat meat, but understand why vegetarians don’t. I like the cooch, but understand why some guys like the cock (after all, I’m quite fond of mine!). Point is, I try to understand where other people are coming from as much as I can, and for the most part, I usually am successful.
With that stated, I’m really baffled by something. I simply don’t understand how any semi-literate human being can get excited about Sarah Palin. How can people in the Republican Party – my Party (albeit, I admit that I am about as liberal as a Republican can be, and I’m more libertarian than anything) – be inspired by this woman? I guess if she offered to take off her clothes, there might be reason for excitement. And hell, maybe she is a great governor, and one can get excited by that.
But excited by her as a possible commander-in-chief?
Excited by her as a possible head of state?
Excited by her as a possible national policy maker?
Excited by her as a possible leader of the Republican Party?
You simply have to be kidding.
I’ve watched her scripted speeches. She’s entertaining and energizing when she delivers prepared remarks. I get that part. But ask her a question that requires her to actually think, and her words come out in a way that makes Mush-Mouth of Fat Albert fame and the current President Bush seem like master linguists. To say she is in over her head on national issues, let alone international ones, is akin to saying that Vice President Cheney has had occasional heart ailments or that Chinese People (i.e. Asians) like to take pictures.
Asking a candidate what she reads is not a “gotcha” question. Time, Newsweek, the Economist, the New York Times, The Anchorage Daily News, the Wall Street Journal, the Weekly Standard, there are so many possible answers.
Asking her what Supreme Court decisions she disagrees with – also not a “gotcha” question. A basic high school civics class gives you an answer for that one – Dred Scott or Plessey v. Furgeson. End of ball game. Maybe she knew the names of those cases, but was afraid she would actually have to explain them. Or maybe she spaced out for a minute – I’ve been there, done that – and couldn’t recall the names of any cases. Well, that is perfectly fine. But you have to answer the question in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an absolute imbecile. She failed miserably.
Asking her if she would characterize a person who bombs an abortion clinic as a terrorist – yet again, NOT a gotcha question. The correct response: “Yes, absolutely! Let me be clear: I find abortion absolutely abhorrent, but any person who bombs an abortion clinic is a terrorist. End of story.” Instead, Palin said, “There’s no question that Bill Ayers, via his own admittance, was one who sought to destroy our U.S. Capitol and our Pentagon. That is a domestic terrorist. There’s no question there. Now others who would want to engage in harming innocent Americans or facilities that, it would be unacceptable. I don’t know if you’re going to use the word terrorist there, but it’s unacceptable, and it would not be condoned, of course, on our watch.”
How many times can a candidate drop the ball and not be held accountable by her supporters? How many times can people explain away her inability to answer questions as some liberal media conspiracy against her? How many times can people just look the other way when she commits another gaffe?
There is no doubt that the media want Obama to win and that they have given him far more favorable press coverage. Biden’s missteps aren’t reported with anywhere near the intensity that Palin’s are. But we’ve known Biden for decades. We’ve known Palin for weeks. Her idiocy on issues of national importance is not the result of a liberal media; her idiocy is the result of being thrust into a position for which she is not qualified. It would be like taking a popular, young, inexperienced high school principal and making him the president of a major state university. It’s just too big a leap.
The day McCain announced that Palin would be his running mate, a dear friend called me and asked me what I thought. I told him I was excited by the pick – if for no other reason than it was different and would shoot a bolt of energy into the upcoming convention. However, I told him I would need to learn more about her before I decided whether it was a wise selection worthy of support.
Well, it was not a wise selection. It was an idiotic one. Vicente Fox would have been a better selection, and he's not even a U.S. citizen.
Sarah Palin is a moron (as it pertains to the specific task which she has been assigned – i.e. to be Vice President; she is probably a very competent governor and ready for that particular job, but she is barely more qualified to be Vice President than the schizophrenic homeless man I pass every day on my way to work).
Surely by now, this cat is out of the bag, yes? The McCain camp has done everything possible to keep her away from the media, but there has been enough exposure by this point for people to have a sense of what she brings to the table. Surely by now, even the most die-hard Republicans can tell that this woman is quite lacking for this particular post, right?
Yet that appears to be anything but the case.
She still attracts thousands at rallies.
There is chatter that she will become the face of the Republican Party if McCain loses. This speculation should be dismissed immediately as sheer lunacy. But it’s not. There actually are many out there who would like Palin to be the face of the Republican Party.
How can this be?
I can understand a lot of things that don't strike my particular fancy. But this is one around which my mind cannot wrap. Can yours?
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (10)October 28, 2008
This might be the most directionless Blog Entry I've Ever Written
Don’t believe the polls.
Don’t believe the hype.
Barack Obama is not going to win the 2008 Presidential Election.
He doesn’t have a chance.
And how do I know this, you might wonder.
It’s quite simple actually. Yesterday, on my way home, I rode the bus (a rarity) and happened to sit next to a man from Bangladesh. The man happened to be wearing a McCain-Palin button and also had a McCain-Palin sign with him.
Needless to say, I asked if he thought McCain would win.
He replied with more force than the “Sisters” did when they interacted with Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. “Absolutely! I am one HUNDRED percent certain that McCain will win on Tuesday. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. He is going to annihilate Obama!”
The man also informed me that Palin is a wonderful woman – quite capable, and loved by all. Then he told me Obama wouldn’t be qualified to be a security guard if the Big O moved to another country and started applying for jobs. (Clearly other countries have much more stringent standards than America does when it comes to hiring foreign security guards.)
So, my friends (fuck you for saying that fifty thousand times over the last year, John McCain – sorry, sometimes I have Tourette’s), after hundreds of hours of reading about this election, watching television coverage of this election, and thinking about this election, all I really needed to do to figure things out was sit next to the wise man from Bangladesh, who, by the way, was incredibly excited about placing a campaign sign near a busy Arlington intersection. He seemed to think this was a key to victory and that anyone who saw his magic sign would all of a sudden realize that voting for anyone other than McCain would be pure idiocy.
Who am I to argue with a Bangladeshian dude?
I repeat, “Who am I?”
WHO AM I?
I’M JEAN VALJEAN!!!!!!!!
And so Javert, you see it’s true
That man bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?
TWO. FOUR. SIX. OH. ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(If you’ve never seen Les Miserables, you REALLY, REALLY should. It’s absolutely the best musical I’ve seen.)
You probably expect me to actually tie Les Mis in better than I just did. Well, as Mr. Underhill would put it, “Better luck next time.”
“And that’s the way it is.” Anyone else think Uncle Walter Cronkite asked Katie Couric if he could slide a finger or two inside her when she asked him to record the voiceover at the beginning of her newscast?
Speaking of newscasts, Anderson Cooper is really growing on me. It’s hard to even stomach MSNBC anymore. That channel has become a caricature of itself. I wish Pat Buchanan would find a home at CNN or Fox News. I enjoy his commentary, but can’t suffer through anything but Morning Joe on GE’s cable news channel. Olbermann would be better served to actually allow a few conservative guests on his show. Talk about an echo chamber. He’s a really bright guy, but seems fearful of hearing any point of view that disagrees with his own.
Before I moved to D.C., I was very giving when it came to homeless people. Now I look at most of them with contempt. Not the crazy ones, mind you. If they’re talking to fifteen people who don’t exist anywhere but their mind, I’ve got no issues with them. It’s the ones who beg and beg and beg because it’s easier than having a job that annoy me. Where’s Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down when we need him?
Has anyone seen any good movies that are currently out in theaters? I’m open to recommendations.
“Katie, what about just the tip of my pinky?”
“NO, WALTER!”
And that’s the way it probably wasn’t, but it's a good image...
Posted by fool at 01:02 AM | Comments (8)October 27, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
W.
The Gist: Oliver Stone presents his take on George W. Bush’s life, from W’s days in a fraternity at Yale to his numerous business failures to his presidential administration (which might be the grandest failure of them all). In a way, Bush never really excelled at anything post-college until he won the 1994 Texas gubernatorial race. (I think it was 1994; if it wasn’t, oh well; I’m too tired to do fact-checking right now, so just live with it.) The most interesting part of the movie, by far, in my humble opinion, is how Stone characterizes W’s relationship with his father (i.e. George Herbert Walker Bush, not with the Almighty Father). Let’s just say the son lets down the dad a lot. James Cromwell is absolutely great as George the Father. (He didn’t get the Senior Bush’s voice down, but otherwise nailed him! It might be his most impressive performance since he played Mr. Skolnick in Revenge of the Nerds, and anyone who has seen that movie, knows how great Cromwell was in it! “I wish I were going with you!”) Josh Brolin is terrific as W! Richard Dreyfuss and Scott Glenn excel as Cheney and Rumsfeld, and Elizabeth Banks plays a wonderful Laura Bush. (She and Brolin never got it on as Laura and W., which seemed a little unrealistic in my mind. I mean, hell, they have two daughters, and we saw them from their first encounter through their time in the White House. You would think Mr. Stone could have showed George giving a little lovin to Laura[’s] bush.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: The thing dragged at times. I can’t really point to any specific scenes I would have eliminated or altered; I just know I didn’t walk out thinking, “Wow, that was great!” I thought it was good. I thought it was entertaining. I loved Stone’s take on Bush’s relationship with his dad. But there was something that didn’t capture my attention the whole time. It felt long. Great movies don’t feel long. Oh, obviously seeing Elizabeth Banks get it on with W would have been nice. There were at least fifty places where this should have happened!
Who Should See This: If you are at all interested in the current president, you should give it a go. It’s worth seeing, just not more than once.
The Verdict: B
October 21, 2008
Urgent Legislation Needed - A chance for a Presidential Candidate to Make an Immediate Difference
Based on my experience yesterday, any presidential candidate who agrees to push through the following legislation in his first 100 days in office has my vote.
111th Congress
AN ACT
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
(a) SHORT TITLE- This Act may be cited as the “Eliminating Absurd Tendencies of Legions of Energized Street Souls (EAT LESS) Act of 2009”
SECTION 2. PROVISIONS.
Chapter 119 of Title 42, United States Code, which relates to Public Health and Welfare and Homeless Assistance, is amended by adding Subchapter VII, which shall govern the begging habits of homeless people. Specifically, Subchapter VII shall read as follows:
“42 U.S.C. § 11490. It shall be unlawful for any homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds to ask any non-homeless human being for money for the express purpose of helping the homeless person acquire food. If a homeless person weighs more than 300 pounds, that person clearly knows how to obtain food without annoying non-homeless Americans.”
“42 U.S.C. § 11491. Based on the severe nature of this detrimental, annoying conduct, whoever violates any provision of this subchapter, whether intentionally or unintentionally, shall be sentenced to a term of imprisonment that shall not be fewer than 20 years and which shall not be greater than 50 years.”
“42 U.S.C. § 11492. Nothing in this subchapter should be construed as preventing a homeless person weighing greater than 300 pounds from asking non-homeless human beings for money for drugs, alcohol, sex, anything really, as long as the homeless person does not claim he or she needs money for food."
“42 U.S.C. § 11493. Should any court find any portion of this legislation unconstitutional, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, can figuratively go fuck himself, herself, or themselves, depending on which is appropriate. In addition, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall be ordered to follow a homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds into a public restroom and offer that homeless person a $10 gift card to McDonald’s in exchange for being able to wipe the homeless person’s ass after the homeless person defecates. The judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall also inform the homeless person that the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, will increase the gift card from 10 to 25 dollars if the homeless person is able to defecate diarrhea. If the homeless person agrees to accept the offer from the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall wait in the bathroom with the homeless person for no fewer than 3 hours to ensure that the homeless person has an adequate amount of time to defecate.”
Seriously, the guy was at least 300 pounds. He really needed money from me to get FOOD?
Posted by fool at 12:30 AM | Comments (4)October 20, 2008
Add General P. to the list of people who think it's time for the country to have a really Big O
Colin Powell is an impressive man (even if he failed miserably in being a necessary, forceful voice in this Bush administration). His reasons for endorsing Barack Obama make sense to me. I don’t like Obama’s economic policies; increasing taxes on people – even really wealthy ones – during a recession seems about as smart as blow drying your hair while you’re taking a bath with a hooker. (For the record, probably isn’t a great idea to blow dry your hair in a bathtub even if a hooker isn’t in there with you.)
I agree with McCain on slightly more issues (emphasis on the “slightly”), the primary one being the need to keep the federal government from becoming as bloated as a majority of people I see on the subway each day. Obama definitely wants to make the government bigger and bigger and bigger, and this just doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. (I assume he looks in his pants every day and just assumes that bigger things are better things, and you can kind of understand that.)
But with all of that stated, I really wonder whether McCain would be a good executive. He always runs awful campaigns. And if you run an awful campaign, shouldn’t that give us pause to wonder whether you would be awful at running the country? I don’t know anyone who seriously gives a crap about Bill Ayers and Obama’s loose association with him, yet McCain is beating that one to death; he was still talking about it yesterday when Chris Wallace interviewed him on Fox News Sunday (Wallace strikes me as a weasel. I like his father Mike, of 60 Minutes fame, but the son doesn’t do it for me.).
I also read an article last week describing how McCain left his first wife. To say he acted like a slime-ball would be akin to saying my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law might be the worst doctor in the country, i.e. a HUGE understatement! (To think I ended up writing that bastard’s personal statement (or whatever it’s called) when he was trying to land a residency. Oh, I guess technically you could say I edited his statement, but put it this way: if a retarded four-year-old brought a cake she baked to Martha Stewart and asked Stewart to help make it look “beautiful,” you know as well as I do that Martha Stewart would bake an entirely new cake, and just keep it the same flavor at the retarded kid’s cake to make it seem like she just “fixed it.” Martha would also probably tell the kid to give up any notions of becoming a professional baker. Have you ever met someone who wants you to know how accomplished he is and can’t tell you “impressive” facts about himself quickly enough? Well, that’s my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law. This moron wore his hospital badge on a recent flight so everyone would know he was a doctor. I mean, seriously. How insecure can you possibly be? If you’re going to do that, you should at least be a GOOD doctor, right? Trust me, he isn’t. Any insurance company that decides to issue him a medical insurance policy without an enormous deductible is a company worth shorting in the stock market.)
Anyway, Powell made sense on Meet the Press yesterday. I’m still undecided, but leaning towards the Big O at the moment, though the prospect of a Democratic White House, House, and Senate does not make me orgasmic.
October 16, 2008
The King Has Spoken...
I wish I were a king right now. If I were, I would issue the following proclamation:
Let it be known across my entire kingdom! It is NEVER appropriate to microwave fish at work. Even if you have a microwave in YOUR office, under no circumstances are you to use it to microwave fish during business hours, ESPECIALLY CATFISH.
I don’t understand how someone voluntarily puts catfish in his or her mouth given that it smells worse than a public restroom at a busy train station.
Consider this. If you were going out with someone and decided to get intimate with that person for the first time and unzipped his or her pants with the expectation of performing a little mouth-to-genital resuscitation, and as soon as you unzipped your potential lover’s pants, you smelled the most awful smell you had ever smelled - something so awful that you wanted to puke - unless you’re a prostitute, I’m guessing you would refrain from sucking/nibbling/licking/etc, right?
Yet people eat catfish. I don’t get it.
Posted by fool at 10:48 PM | Comments (3)October 14, 2008
Tuesday Brain Drain....
The Dodgers had no business losing last night’s game against the Phillies. I don’t know how I got so sucked into the playoffs this year, but I have and am NOT happy with how things are turning out. Can you imagine a World Series between Tampa Bay and Philadelphia? I would rather watch Orrin Hatch and Senator Larry Craig’s wife copulate (with each other).
NEW RULE: If you are a cashier at Safeway and a foreigner is checking out, you are not to ask that person more than once if he would like to donate money to combat Breast Cancer. Bless this Asian man’s soul, but he could not have been more confused when the cashier kept asking him if he wanted to give money to breast cancer research. He looked at her like Mr. Miyagi looked at Sarah Palin when they made their sex tape. (By the way, why the hell hasn’t that thing leaked yet?)
Why won’t Joe Biden admit he got Botox? Would such a revelation really alienate voters? Remember when Greta Van Susteren admitted to getting her eyes done after she left CNN, but before she started at Fox News? Her candor was refreshing. It would be nice if “Say it ain’t so” Joe Biden, who is known for his candor, would not lie about this. On the other hand, why this is even a story is ridiculous. People, including politicians, get plastic surgery and other cosmetic procedures to make themselves feel better about themselves (possibly paving the way for them to get more tang or rooster, depending on their preference). Big deal.
There has been a recent rash of robberies in Adams Morgan, an allegedly nice D.C. neighborhood. Add this to the list of reasons Adams Morgan sucks. It’s dirty, dirty, dirty, and oh yeah, dirty. (U Street also sucks.)
I had the best potato skins I’ve ever had last night. Why every restaurant – American, Italian, Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Moroccan, Afghani, Indian, Ethiopian (ha, ha – oxymoron), Irish, etc. – doesn’t offer potato skins to its patrons is beyond me. If I ever become Program Director of the Food Network, I will most likely scrap all the current programs and replace them with wall-to-wall, 24/7 coverage of how to make potato skins.
If someone doesn’t have a television equipped for a digital signal at this point, do we really want this person watching TV? I am SO sick of the "In 2009, you will not be able to get television signals from rabbit ears anymore" and "John McCain is going to tax health care benefits" commercials.
Do you know what the worst part about three-day weekends is?
Tuesdays!
With that stated, thank you Mr. Columbus for sailing the Ocean Blue and paving the way for me to sleep until 11:30 yesterday morning!
Over the weekend, I found out that O.J. Simpson’s idiotic attorney, Yale Galanter, did not try to get the audio recordings (of O.J. carrying on like an angry lunatic in the hotel room) suppressed from the trial. Apparently the tapes could not be authenticated, so there was at least a plausible justification for keeping them out. Galanter thought the tapes helped his client, so he didn’t want to keep them out. I bet the Juice is happy to know that the jurors all basically thought the witnesses were scumbags whom they did not trust and convicted O.J. almost exclusively on the tapes. I have no doubt if Johnnie Cochran were still alive and chose to represent O.J. in the Vegas trial, Simpson would be a free man today. But those are the breaks!
If McCain ends up pulling this out somehow, do you think he will ask Palin to stay in Alaska? “Why, John? Do you want to keep me closer to the people so I don’t get sucked into the Washington machine?” “No, Governor. I actually have come to realize that you are an idiot."
October 08, 2008
Live Blogging the Second Presidential Debate
So I’ve decided to write spontaneous thoughts while the debate is taking place. Who knows how this will turn out. It will probably be quite long, like Shaq’s… well, you know.
Tommy Brokaw welcomes the candidates. The old man and the black dude start waving at the audience like a couple of idiots. And we’re off and running…
Brokaw explains that the candidates flipped a coin. I thought the winner would get to sleep with Palin, but it appears that the winner gets to answer the first question first.
The former Bald Guy from Murder One asks the first question: It’s something about the economy. Obama doesn’t say anything new. Wow! McCain goes for a Hail Mary right away. The government will buy all crappy mortgages and negotiate new mortgages at the house’s current value with the government eating the difference. So if I understand this correctly, sounds like if you bought a house worth $200,000 for a million bucks, you can get out from that one million dollar mortgage and get a new one for 200K. Sounds interesting. Surprised McCain didn’t say anything about getting down and dirty with Governor Palin. That’s sure to come. He’s probably saving it.
Follow-up question about who the candidates will appoint as Treasury Secretary. McCain falls flat with a joke about Brokaw not being his selection and then talks about the woman who runs eBay. Obama talks about Warren Buffet supporting him and then goes on a diatribe about helping the middle class and offering a tax cut to the middle class. Warren Buffet is absolutely mesmerizing. Have you seen him interviewed? He’s got such a great personality and an amazing laugh. Back to these two dull jokers…
Time for some guy named Oliver Clark to ask the second question. Oliver wants to know how the bailout will help everyday working folks. McCain passes up the opportunity to make a racial joke (Oliver is black). McCain tells Oliver he probably never heard of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac before this crisis. (Is McCain suggesting black men are uneducated/not up on news? I would play that card if I were Obama. I would also give a shout-out to O.J. After all, Palin gave a shout-out to a third grade class, so now there’s precedent for giving shout-outs in debates above the junior high level). McCain goes after Obama’s connections with Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac. Two questions in and the former P.O.W. is already turning negative. Time for Barack to talk to Oliver. He gives a lecture about why the bailout will help free up credit. All I can think is that Bill Clinton would be rocking this question. Obama seems like a cool law professor right now – he’s explaining things, but not really showing a ton of passion. Obama is attacking McCain. Great, the gloves are off. Maybe they will wrestle!!!!
Brokaw with the follow-up: Is the Economy going to get worse? Blah, blah, blah. BOR-ING. Obama doesn’t answer the question. McCain says it depends on what we do. Still no mention by either men about sliding the one-eyed snake in Governor Palin. I find that odd.
Time for some lady who looks like the lady from The Weakest Link to ask a question. My Lord. She stuttered and stammered more than George Bush on a tequila binge. She wants to know why the American public should trust either one of these bozos considering their parties haven’t exactly proven to be disciplined. Obama goes first. I wasn’t paying attention. McCain says he has stood up to his party; Obama never has. John is in attack mode.
Brokaw asks the candidates to rank the following priorities in order of importance: Healthcare, Energy, Entitlement Reform. McCain dodges the question. But he does manage to slip in at least one mention of “my friends.” I’m surprised McCain doesn’t want to talk about fixing social security. With the market getting cremated, seems like a good time to bring up privatizing social security. Obama’s turn: Energy #1 – damn, gas is super expensive in Nashville. Healthcare is #2. Education is #3. Props to Obama for answering the question even if he didn’t really prioritize entitlement reform.
Brokaw tells the candidates to start paying attention to time. He should invoke justice Singapore style. That would speed these bastards up.
Some questions comes in via an old woman over the internet. I didn’t hear the question. McCain starts talking about defense spending and how he saved America money in the past. Takes a jab at Obama. If I were Obama, I would run over and tackle McCain. There’s no way McCain could defend himself right now. His arms don’t go above his head and he’s almost thirty years older. Instead, Obama looks weak. He just sits there. Obama: “You know, a lot of you remember the tragedy of 9/11 and where you were that day.” A LOT of the people remember the tragedy of 9/11? A LOT? Who the hell didn’t remember the tragedy of 9/11? Terry Schiavo missed out on that one, but I’m struggling to think of other people who were alive and don’t remember that day. I suppose some children who were infants. Other than that, I would venture to say ALL of the people remember the tragedy of 9/11. I wish Obama would follow this up by saying, “Look, every women who’s had my pecker in her remembers it.” Then he should just sit down. Again, he’s showing weakness by not talking about what people want to hear. Obama talks about how young people want to serve. That’s why he’s going to enlarge the Peace Corps. Does anyone actually know anyone who did a stint in the Peace Corps and got anything out of it? I don’t. Doesn’t seem like we really accomplish much with the Peace Corps, but I certainly could be wrong.
Brokaw says something about getting drunk. Would be a good time for both candidates to talk about George W. Bush’s past drinking record. Obama ought to say, “Look, President Bush admitted to being a drunk. Senator McCain has voted with George W. Bush 95% of the time. That means, Senator McCain has been drunk 95% of the time George W. Bush has been drunk.” Obama asks why a teacher who makes 35K should tighten her belt when fat cats don’t have to do the same? The simple answer, of course, is to ensure that her frickin pants stay on. I mean, sure, if she wants her pants off, God bless her, but if she wants to keep them (and the panties) on, then a belt is an excellent idea. Not sure I totally comprehended the question.
McCain has a good line about nailing Obama’s tax programs to the wall being like Jello. AH, there you go, Johnny M! He gets it all back to race by mentioning Jello! Who was the main spokesman for Jello? That’s right. BILL COSBY! And who is rumored to have funded O.J. Simpson’s murder defense way back when? YUP, BILL COSBY! McCain goes on the offensive, going after white voters. It’s not pretty, but at this point, he doesn’t have much to lose by playing the race card.
We’re 35 minutes in, and neither candidate has mentioned anything about erect penises. Obama is pissed about something with McCain and wants to respond to something McCain said, but Brokaw says, “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Well, he didn’t exactly say that, but his meaning was clear – the Big O will not get a chance to speak on this point.
Oh good, Brokaw wants to talk about reforming social security and Medicare since both will be complete drains on our country as the baby boomers start retiring. He wants to know how we will fix those things. Obama starts talking about not raising taxes. He wants the tax policies to be right so people can get healthcare. McCain says it isn’t hard to fix social security. (Oh really?) He starts talking about Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill. Both dead, by the way. He says it’s easy to fix social security, but doesn’t explain how. For Medicare, he wants to have a commission make recommendations and get Congress to vote up and down. Another good opportunity for Obama to tackle McCain while McCain attacks Obama, and another example of Obama not doing anything. WEAK.
Next Question – 40 minutes in is from some woman named Ingrid. Ingrid wants Congress to move fast on environmental issues. In a surprising move, McCain refuses to answer the question, saying he doesn’t want to answer questions from a black woman. Risky move – I don’t think that will help him at all. Time will tell. (Okay, he didn’t do that, but it would have jazzed this debate up a bit. My God, so far it’s like watching Stephen Hawking playing ping-pong against a Chinese teenager. Actually, that might be pretty interesting. This, on the other hand, is absolutely boring.) I missed McCain’s response, but he’s talking about Nuclear Power. Obviously the smart thing would be to talk about Homer Simpson (average Joes know who he is), but McCain doesn’t do that. Sarah P. would. Obama’s turn. He attacks McCain after talking about other stuff. Obama doesn’t like Fossil Fuels. I used to own quite a few Fossil watches. I don’t own any anymore. In fact, I rarely wear a watch.
Brokaw starts talking about the red-yellow-green lights on stage. Did you know a black man invented the traffic light? I learned that watching a commercial during Black History Month when I was barely in the double digit years!
The people in this audience are completely lifeless. Where did they find these people? How come no one is chanting, holding up signs, streaking? BOR-ING!
Lindsey Something asks a question. She’s too old to be named Lindsey, yet she’s pretty good looking for her age. Way to uphold the strong tradition of Lindseys being good looking! Something about health insurance. I’m bored with health insurance. Thus, I will now go urinate. Thank God I didn’t eat asparagus recently. That’s the worst! I mean it’s cool when you’re in a public restroom or at work because you can ensure that someone next to you has to get a whiff. But when you live by yourself, there’s no advantage to having asparagus-smelling urine. Maybe I’ll run for president one day.
Doesn’t Obama look a little like Ernie from Sesame Street?
I wonder if this blog entry is as boring as this debate. Hope not. If it is, I’m sorry.
At nearly the hour mark, some dude named Phil asks about the economy. He wants to know about economic stress and our role as a peacemaker in the world.
If McCain needs to win this debate or at least land a knockout blow, let me be the first one to say he’s not achieving that goal. He’s come across as a surly old man a few times, and that doesn’t seem like a good image for him.
I had free chocolate cake earlier. That was nice even though I don’t really like chocolate that much. Of course, it’s good with vanilla ice cream.
You know what’s amazing about these town hall forums? I don’t recall seeing any “prank questions.” If I were there, I obviously would have my prepared/pre-approved/pre-screened/pre-selected question on my little note-card, but would I ask it? HELL NO! I think it would be much more fun to ask something like: “Senator Obama, how many times have you called out Governor Palin’s name while you’ve been inside Michelle?” This is all live, so what the hell would they do? Actually, maybe it’s on a very slight delay. I still think you could get the question out, and if you did and it got televised, that would be GREAT!
Obama: Screw Pakistan; we’ll do what we need to do.
McCain: Has no idea what the questioner’s name is. Does bring up a good point about not announcing to your allies/enemies what your intentions are in war. Says you want to carry a big stick. Obama misses an opportunity to point out that his stick, statistically, is almost guaranteed to be bigger than McCain’s. Obama should say, “Look, let’s settle this right now. John, drop your pants, and if you can’t drop them because your arms are all messed up from your days as a prisoner, then I’ll take them off for you!” At this point, Obama could tackle McCain, yank his pants down, and then hold McCain up so everyone could see McCain’s pepe. Then Obama could drop his pants and exclaim, “Look at this! That’s right. Michelle calls me Anaconda for a REASON!” Then he could turn to Mrs. McCain and say, “Cindy, you want a piece of this?”
Oh, as an aside, I just read that Elgin Baylor is out as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after 22 years. The Clippers made the playoffs FOUR times in those 22 years. FOUR times. Can’t imagine why they fired the man. I mean, he did such a good job.
They’re talking about Russia, and I’m bored. I need to poop.
I agree with Obama that we need to talk to our enemies. McCain seems so caught up with the fact that Obama would talk to Iran. GOOD! We SHOULD talk to Iran. And we should talk to all of our enemies. And who knows, maybe SOMETHING could be worked out. And if not, then we can kick their asses, but my God, you’ve got to talk first. Can you imagine having marital problems and just waking up one day and saying, “We’re getting divorced,” without every trying to work things out with your spouse first?
And it’s over. Thank God. It was boring, and McCain did nothing to move the polls. At least, I don’t think he did. Do you?
Posted by fool at 12:52 AM | Comments (10)October 07, 2008
Tuesday Thoughts...
Well, the Angels are no longer in the playoffs after looking about as fundamentally sound as the Bad News Bears did before Buttermaker whipped them into shape. I'm starting to wonder if the Angels ever practiced. At least O.J. is still in jail.
Governor Palin definitely did better in the Vice Presidential debate than she did in her interviews with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, but, as Vincent Bugliosi would remark, “That isn’t saying a whole lot!”
On Sunday, George Will brought up an interesting point on ABC’s This Week with George Stephanopoulos (a.k.a. that “little Greek Bastard”) (which happens to be my favorite Sunday morning political program, especially now that Tim Russert is no longer with us). At one point, Katrina Vanden Heuvel (editor of The Nation) mentioned that the current economic crisis is conclusive proof that unregulated, free market capitalism does not work. Will took issue with that statement, responding by saying something like, “Actually, the government stepped into the free market and more or less set up the playing field to ensure that people who had no business receiving loans for houses they could not afford would in fact receive loans for such houses. In a completely free market system,” he opined, “no bank would have made those loans.” In essence, he was driving at the fact that, nine years ago, in an attempt to get poor people to realize the American dream of home ownership, the Clinton administration put increasing pressure on government-subsidized Fannie Mae to assure banks that it would buy loans that banks doled out to non-credit-worthy individuals. Having that assurance, banks would then feel free to extend loans to people who had as much business receiving them as I do of getting voted the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year. (For the record, I have a penis, which I believe single-handedly eliminates me from being considered as Playmate of the Year. Of course, it's a beautiful penis, but apparently that doesn't matter. (This, at least, is what they tell me everytime I ask them to reconsider their decision.)) Without Fannie Mae’s assurance that it would buy those loans, banks probably would not have started doling out tons of cash to non-credit-worthy folks, which means we probably wouldn’t be in the mess we’re currently in. In other words, as my high school economics teacher always used to say, “There really are no free lunches.” (The teacher also used to say stuff like, "Tuck your shirt in, asshole!" when he would pass a less-than-well-dressed student in the hallway.) In any event, when George Will pointed this out to Vanden Heuvel, she made some weird noise that sounded like a combination of a woman having an orgasm and a chimpanzee stubbing its toe. I couldn’t tell if she thought Will’s assertion was preposterous (which it certainly is not, at least not on this specific point) or if she was caught completely off guard and had never considered how the government really screwed all of this up a decade ago. Here’s a good New York Times article from 1999 that provides a little background (on the Clinton administration and Fannie Mae, not on women orgasming and chimpanzees stubbing their toes).
If you’ve ever seen And the Band Played On, a fascinating movie about the origin of HIV and AIDS in America, you will find this article quite interesting. In short, Dr. Robert Gallo (played brilliantly by Alan Alda) really is a prick!
I saw former Supreme Court Justice nominee Robert Bork the other day. He does not look like he’s been eating his Wheaties. If you had the chance to break bread with a Supreme Court Justice, which one would you choose? I would go with Scalia first, then Breyer (those two seem far more personable than the rest of the crew), then Roberts, then Stevens, then Thomas (I would definitely see how many “cock” jokes I could get out of Clarence), then Kennedy, then Alito, then Souter, and finally Ginsburg (only because she’s supposed to be as personable as a pile of bricks at a construction site). I imagine if Governor Palin had to answer this question, she would smile and say something like, "Well I certainly wouldn't select the one who wrote Roe versus Wade!" "Well, the author of that opinion is actually dead, Governor." "Well golly, then that would make it even easier!" Note to self: she cannot ever be in charge of our country.
Posted by fool at 01:19 AM | Comments (8)October 06, 2008
The Weekend!
The Angels extended the ALDS, and O.J. is going to prison! By all objective measures, it was a very good weekend! Here's to hoping the week is equally great.
Posted by fool at 01:24 AM | Comments (2)October 02, 2008
Possible Exchange at Next Presidential Debate
Tom Brokaw: …and now that we know the rules of tonight’s debate, let’s get on with it. Senator McCain, you have one minute for your opening statement.
Senator McCain: I want to apologize to the American public. My friends, when I chose Sarah Palin to be my running mate, it was a somewhat impulsive decision that I thought would energize my campaign. Well, my friends, that decision did in fact energize my campaign. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Sarah Palin is a complete imbecile. My friends, I now realize that I should not have chosen her to be my running mate. I’ve actually asked her to step down, but she’s responded to that request by literally finding a staircase and taking one step down. When I saw her do that, I knew it wasn’t even worth explaining to her that when I asked her to step down, I was actually telling her that I wanted to fire her. My friends, the woman is dumber than Betty White’s character on The Golden Girls. Governor Palin actually makes that character look like a freaking Rhodes Scholar. My friends, Governor Palin is a moron, plain and simple. That’s why I want you to know that I am healthier than ever and will not die in the next four years and three months. I am a patriot, my friends. I love America. If I didn’t die in a Vietnamese prison while they tortured me unmercifully, I sure won’t die as your commander-in-chief. I simply wouldn’t put the country in that position. So, my friends, I pledge to you tonight, I will not die in office. I simply can’t do that as a man who loves his country. But if I did die, even though I won’t, you would have to impeach her immediately. Thank you.
Tom Brokaw: Um, that was a very interesting opening statement, Senator McCain. Senator Obama, you have one minute.
Senator Obama: Thank you, Tom. First, I want to say it’s a pleasure to be on this stage. And I thank the debate commission for organizing the event. But you know, I don’t want to proceed with politics as usual. Since John is leveling with the American public, I will too. I want to fuck Governor Palin. There! I said it. It’s out there, and as Walter Cronkite would say, “That’s the way it is.” And if Sarah Palin accepted my desire to have carnal knowledge of her and if we decided to film our physical union and if that would be appropriate for kindergartners to watch as part of sex education, well then so be it. And frankly, Senator Biden told me he wants to fuck Governor Palin too. He actually told me he wants to name off Supreme Court decisions while he’s pumping insider her to see how many he can cite before he ejaculates. I kind of laughed when he told me that. But as we all know, Joe’s got a habit of telling you more than you want to know. But I want to be clear. Make no mistake about it. Senator Biden would ejaculate in Governor Palin’s vagina, and I, uh, think as a man, who has, uh, served his country as well as he has, well, what I’m getting at is that I think Senator Biden can come any damn place he pleases, whether it’s in Governor Palin’s vagina, her ass, her mouth, or even on her eyebrows. Thank you. I see that my time has expired.
Is it too late for McCain to dump her? She is an absolute idiot. I felt more uncomfortable watching her interviews with Katie Couric than I did when I got food poisoning so badly that I had it coming out of my mouth and butt at the same time. And trust me, that was NOT a comfortable experience.
