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October 21, 2008
Urgent Legislation Needed - A chance for a Presidential Candidate to Make an Immediate Difference
Based on my experience yesterday, any presidential candidate who agrees to push through the following legislation in his first 100 days in office has my vote.
111th Congress
AN ACT
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
(a) SHORT TITLE- This Act may be cited as the “Eliminating Absurd Tendencies of Legions of Energized Street Souls (EAT LESS) Act of 2009”
SECTION 2. PROVISIONS.
Chapter 119 of Title 42, United States Code, which relates to Public Health and Welfare and Homeless Assistance, is amended by adding Subchapter VII, which shall govern the begging habits of homeless people. Specifically, Subchapter VII shall read as follows:
“42 U.S.C. § 11490. It shall be unlawful for any homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds to ask any non-homeless human being for money for the express purpose of helping the homeless person acquire food. If a homeless person weighs more than 300 pounds, that person clearly knows how to obtain food without annoying non-homeless Americans.”
“42 U.S.C. § 11491. Based on the severe nature of this detrimental, annoying conduct, whoever violates any provision of this subchapter, whether intentionally or unintentionally, shall be sentenced to a term of imprisonment that shall not be fewer than 20 years and which shall not be greater than 50 years.”
“42 U.S.C. § 11492. Nothing in this subchapter should be construed as preventing a homeless person weighing greater than 300 pounds from asking non-homeless human beings for money for drugs, alcohol, sex, anything really, as long as the homeless person does not claim he or she needs money for food."
“42 U.S.C. § 11493. Should any court find any portion of this legislation unconstitutional, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, can figuratively go fuck himself, herself, or themselves, depending on which is appropriate. In addition, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall be ordered to follow a homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds into a public restroom and offer that homeless person a $10 gift card to McDonald’s in exchange for being able to wipe the homeless person’s ass after the homeless person defecates. The judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall also inform the homeless person that the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, will increase the gift card from 10 to 25 dollars if the homeless person is able to defecate diarrhea. If the homeless person agrees to accept the offer from the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall wait in the bathroom with the homeless person for no fewer than 3 hours to ensure that the homeless person has an adequate amount of time to defecate.”
Seriously, the guy was at least 300 pounds. He really needed money from me to get FOOD?
Comments
No why is it you're not running the country?
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at October 21, 2008 08:33 AM
Oops, I meant to say NOW why is it...
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at October 21, 2008 08:35 AM
We should meet up after work for a good old fashioned bum fight. Whaddya say?
Posted by: Wiseazzz at October 21, 2008 04:27 PM
Maybe he had a glandular disorder.
That's what everyone always said when I was a kid and we saw really overweight people.
And seriously..you definitely have a future on Capitol Hill with your legislative drafting skills!
Posted by: teahouseblossom at October 21, 2008 10:55 PM
