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November 18, 2008
How to Make YOUR Day More Fun
If you work on one of the top floors of a building and find yourself bored each time you have to ride the elevator all the way to the ground floor, then this is your lucky day! I have a guaranteed cure for your boredom!
First, you need to start loading up on beans – pinto, refried, black, ranch style, etc.
Second, you need to start eating as much cabbage as you can possibly stomach. If you’re not a vegetarian, mix in some bacon for good measure.
Third, you need to start drinking at least one smoothie each morning. That smoothie must be loaded with protein powder and at least one ripe banana.
Fourth, you need to start eating tons of garlic. How much is enough? Could what you eat kill at least a billion vampires? If so, that’s enough. If it could kill a few vampires, that’s probably enough too.
Fifth, you should eat asparagus every single day.
Sixth, drink a tall glass of whole milk shortly after you arrive at the office each morning.
The first six steps are hard. I realize that. I do. Fortunately, the seventh one is simple.
Step Seven: Each time you get on the elevator, you are to fart. Trust me, with the above-described diet, you are not going to have any problems cranking out some flatulence. So yes, each time you get on that elevator, you are to rip as juicy a fart as you can possibly muster. You might even get a nice combo fart in. (You might want to keep some extra boxers/briefs/panties in your office because, well, quite frankly, there’s a good chance you’re going to draw mud at times. But that’s okay. It's part of the process. Whatever you do, don't get discouraged!)
After you fart, you will wait.
That’s right. You will wait.
Unless you are some creep-ball who is into this sort of thing, as you are waiting, you undoubtedly will hope you can ride to the bottom of the building without stopping at any floors. Because you know that, if the elevator stops, whoever gets on will smell an odor that not even a morgue could replicate.
And why would you want to place yourself in this potentially awkward situation? Well, instead of being bored on the way down, you will now be nervous—incredibly so—hoping like hell that nobody gets on that elevator with you. You might even start sweating. Your heart will definitely be racing. And that means that all of a sudden, your usual dull elevator ride will be anything but boring.
If the elevator does NOT stop, you won't end up offending anyone, yet you will have gotten that rush that we all crave as human beings. And unlike many rushes, this one is perfectly legal!
I know what you're thinking. What happens if the elevator does stop to pick up someone? Well, that will definitely be unfortunate. But it’s not THAT big a deal.
People appreciate honesty. So you will merely say, “I apologize. If I had known someone was going to get on with me, I never would have farted.”
As soon as you are done saying that, you are to push every single button between the ground floor and whatever floor you happen to be on. This will ensure a longer ride. And as soon as you do that, you are to fart again, as loudly as you can! And yes, each time the elevator stops, you should fart again. Just keep farting and farting and farting. BUT REMEMBER, each time you fart, you must say, “I’m so sorry. I have no idea what I ate.”
It will be a good time. Trust me.
And if, for some reason, people get annoyed, just say, “Look, I’m having a really bad day, okay? My urine smells even worse than my gas does.”
Comments
Your ideas are inspirational
Posted by: pretty's hlp at November 18, 2008 08:10 AM
Note to self: Do not EVER ride in elevator with TF ;-)
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at November 18, 2008 08:53 AM
I want someone to come through that door. I want to see their face react to the distinct odor that something isnt right and then smile and blame them.
Posted by: pretty at November 18, 2008 04:21 PM
Eating asparagus will make your pee stink! :-)
Posted by: ming the merciless at November 19, 2008 12:21 AM
красиво, сделал! Благодарю!!!
Posted by: WemaExitrette at November 20, 2008 03:56 AM
Интересно сделано. Почти за душу берёт, заставляет смеяться над собственным блогом. Однако не совсем полностью тема развёрнута. Где про это посмотреть более подробно?
Posted by: spibrappy at November 20, 2008 09:52 AM
For those of who you who dont speak russian, beautiful well done is what wema said and the second one said it was funny but he wishes the theme was more developed.
You're welcome
Русские являются немыми
Posted by: pretty at November 20, 2008 11:46 AM
Haha! Well done, Pretty! I don't know why these bastards post this nonsense; I usually delete them, but now I'll leave those two comments up and just deactivate their links so they don't get any additional traffic!
Posted by: Fool at November 20, 2008 08:44 PM
I've farted on an elevator before, and then quickly gotten off a the next floor. So I haven't had the pleasure of seeing people's reactions.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at November 22, 2008 12:20 AM
