July 23, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
The Dark Knight
The Gist: Batman is alive and well, helping fight crime in Gotham (which is Chicago, not New York!). His nemesis is the all-time best Batman villain, none other than THE JOKER! This time the late Heath Ledger portrays the lunatic clown, and yes, as good as Jack Nicholson was two decades ago, Ledger is that much better. Nicholson didn’t have a special pencil magic trick in his arsenal. Ledger does! Ledger definitely steals the show with his great tales, fantastic challenges, and wickedly exhilarating laugh. Add wonderful performances by Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhaal (she’s not attractive, by the way; I’m not the only one who feels this way, am I?), Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman as well as a great story to the mix, and well, you’ve got yourself a fantastic superhero movie!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: In the final third of the film, a story line involving the District Attorney develops, and, well, I just thought it was sort of stupid. If that had been jettisoned from the script, this one would have been as perfect as a movie like this can be.
Who Should See This: If you have never liked any superhero movie despite repeated attempts, then maybe you should sit this one out. For everyone else, definitely go take a look if you haven’t already (unless, you’re Katie Holmes; then don’t go because you will regret not reprising your role as Bruce Wayne’s love interest, but I’m sure Crazy Tom is as terrific(ally frightening) as always!).
The Verdict: Even better the more I think about it! A fun thrill ride from the opening bank robbery to the closing credits! They won’t top this should they make another. A-
July 16, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
WALL-E
The Gist: In this animated feature from Pixar, Earth has become uninhabitable. Humans now live on a giant space station waiting for the day they can return to the planet. Meanwhile, an adorable little robot named WALL-E roams around our planet, compressing trash into perfect squares and stacking them atop each other to create giant skyscrapers. One day, another Robot named Eve hits the scene, and WALL-E and she fall in love. (The film does not show them copulating, at least not in the version I saw. A director’s cut might reveal additional footage.) WALL-E follows Eve (or as he says, “Eve-uh”) to the space station, undoubtedly in an attempt to seal the deal, but there’s a problem, and no, that problem has nothing to do with the fat humans in space, who lounge around like the most slothful creatures the universe has ever seen. You will just have to go see it if you want to know more.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: This certainly was no Lilo and Stitch, but it’s a clever film, especially the first thirty minutes. If you generally enjoy Pixar’s offerings, you will undoubtedly like this movie. It drags a bit in the middle, but not enough for me to contemplate suicide.
Who Should See This: I don’t think kids will really like this – it’s too slow-moving. But then again, throw an animated movie in front of some kids, and it’s like throwing a good beheading video in front of wannabe terrorists, i.e. pleasing to that particular crowd. There are some laugh-out-loud moments, especially when we get to see what WALL-E chooses to save from his time on trash parole. If you want a light-hearted summer film, it’s worth a look. If you want a fast-moving movie, take a pass.
The Verdict: B-
June 24, 2008
Playing (Unfortunately) at a Theater Near You...
The Happening
The Gist: New Yorkers start committing suicide in droves for no apparent reason. Then people in Philadelphia start offing themselves too. All of a sudden, everyone’s thinking, “Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do!” And by “Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do,” I mean a lot of people think terrorists have released massive chemicals in the air causing people to go Hunter S. Thompson on themselves. Well, guess what, folks; survey says, “BUZZ!” No, it turns out, that once brilliant writer-director-producer-turned-awful-writer-director-producer M. Night Shyamalan explains these mysterious deaths as coming from, hold on to your nuts, vaginal lips, or whatever you hold on to when you’re gearing up for an idiotic surprise… TREES! Yes indeed, M. Night wrote his movie in a way that has the trees banding together and releasing a chemical in the air that results in people wanting to kill themselves. I’ll tell you what made me want to kill myself; watching this awful movie.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: This is an R-rated movie; the trailers made a huge deal out of that fact because it’s M. Night’s first. Since we’ve already got the R rating, why not let Marky Mark screw someone on screen, preferably not his wife, who was as annoying as a rabbit on the subway hell-bent on sniffing your private parts, but someone nonetheless. I mean, seriously, women, am I right or wrong here? If you know you’re going to die from some mysterious natural disaster and Marky Mark happens to be loitering nearby, don’t you ask him to play Cowboys and Indians with you, with him assuming the role of a horse and you that of a cowgirl? Also, maybe it would have helped the movie if M. Night had tweaked the script a little. And by tweaking the script a little, I mean he should have picked it up, walked it over to a fireplace, and threw it on a burning starter log (and considered jumping on that log himself). Short of that, he should have created at least one character with whom the audience could connect. But, no, to the contrary, there was not a single soul in this movie whom I cared about. NOT ONE! John Leguizamo is a hell of an actor, and for some baffling reason, decided to accept a role in this film. Early on in the movie, he’s all distressed because he thinks his wife might be dead. He goes back to find her, and it becomes clear pretty quickly that he’s going to die in his attempt. (Oh sorry, for that spoiler, but if you see this film after reading this review, you’ve got more mental problems than Colin Ferguson, John Hinckley, Jr., and Roseanne Barr combined.) He leaves his single-digit-year-old daughter with Mark Wahlberg and Wahlberg’s C-note wife in case he doesn’t make it. Usually such a scene would cause some sort of somber reaction in you, right? Well, as someone who proudly admits to having shed a tear while watching The Notebook, I can assure you that I didn’t care if Leguizamo, his wife, his daughter, Wahlberg, Wahlberg’s wife, or anyone in this film, for that matter, died. There was NO emotional connection with ANYONE. You felt less for these characters than Terry Schiavo’s husband did for her.
Who Should See This: I saw The Sixth Sense very reluctantly and ended up LOVING it! Then I saw Unbreakable and didn’t love it, but definitely liked it. Then I watched Signs and walked away thinking I had been sodomized by an angry rhinoceros. (People often cite Signs as being some clever film. It was about as clever as trimming your pubic hair in the shape of the pope. Oh wait, that might actually be kind of clever, so scrap that. It was about as clever as most celebrity game show panelists these days.) Then I went to see The Village, and thought, “What the hell has happened to this writer-director-producer? His last two movies have sucked more than Helen Keller in the director’s cut of The Miracle Worker. (By the way, my ass that chick said “Wawa.” She made a couple goofy sounds that the so-called “Miracle Worker” interpreted in a way that made the “Miracle Worker” look great. Trust me, if the “Miracle Worker” had been a shady prosecutor instead of some teacher, she would have convinced the world that Helen Keller’s brother was touching her. In other words, Helen Keller said whatever the “Miracle Worker” said she said. Plus, I’m pretty sure the “Miracle Worker” was touching Keller’s cooch.) Then The Lady in the Water came out, and I thought, “Well, I guess I should give him another shot. His first two movies were at least super clever and he’s got to bounce back, right?” But then, after every critic seemed to indicate that having explosive diarrhea for eight days would be more fun than watching Lady in the Water, I decided to skip that one. Well, I should have decided to skip The Happening too because there wasn’t a single redeeming quality about it. Not one. It was an absolute abortion from start to finish.
The Verdict: Absolutely awful. M. Night, I’m done, buddy. F
June 12, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
The Gist: A television actress tells her song-writing boyfriend that she wants to end their relationship. He tries to get her to change her mind by, get this, showing her his tallywhacker, but that doesn’t make her want to take him back. Shocker, I know. Because he’s so sad, he decides to take a trip to Hawaii. However, when he arrives, as Snagglepuss might say, “Heavens to mergatroid! The ex-girlfriend and new boyfriend are here! And they’re staying at the same hotel even!” (Who doesn’t love Snagglepuss? He was a great cartoon character.) Long story short, the boy starts liking another girl, who happens to work at the hotel where he is staying, and at the end of the day, the question becomes, “Will the penis-flashing man want to get back together with Sarah Marshall or choose the Hawaii Honey instead?”
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I can’t really pinpoint anything. It was definitely funny in parts. I laughed out loud several times. But, it was missing something that makes a comedy simultaneously funny and a great movie. Oh, but obviously if the director was going to treat us to some random dick shots, he could have given us a few more glances of Sarah Marshall and the Hawaiian Honey.
Who Should See This: If you want a fun comedy, take a look. If you don’t like comedies, maybe it’s time for you to think about planning your funeral. We don’t need a bunch of sourpusses running around this planet, especially with the global warming and all.
The Verdict: B
The Strangers
The Gist: A young couple–not so young that seeing naked pictures of them would cause the government to start indicting people; I’m talking late 20s here–plans to spend the night at a house out in the country. When they arrive in the middle of the night, we realize that the wedding which they just attended left them upset with each other. Turns out Monsieur Boy asked Mademoiselle Girl to marry him, and she said, “Dude, I really love you, but I can’t commit to just one pecker in the cooch at this point in my life.” That line of dialogue got cut someplace in the editing process, and obviously would have made the film better, but there’s only so much you can squeeze in a limited space. Just ask Shaq’s wife. Then some random-ass chick knocked on the door looking for some girl, and even after they told her no such person lives at that residence, the random-ass chick decided to stay and loiter around the premises. She and two others proceed to stay on the property and decide to play a little game of “Let’s terrorize the hell out of these helpless human beings.” (Used to be a really popular game in Iraq under the Saddam regime-slightly different rules, but still the same thrills.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: It had some incredibly scary parts, and I felt my heart beating faster than Barbaro’s right before they put him down, but it was a little boring at times and just didn’t completely click.
Who Should See This: If you like movies that scare you, venture to the theater and strap yourself in; it’s not a perfect ride, but still worth the price of a ticket.
The Verdict: B-
February 12, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
No Country for Old Men
The Gist: A young, rough, trailer-living cowboy-type stumbles across the aftermath of a drug deal gone bad in the desert. He discovers a briefcase containing millions of dollars in cash and takes less than a nanosecond to decide that he wants the money for himself and his young bride. (The movie never reaches the issue of whether he’d pay income tax on the cash, but I think it’s safe to assume that he definitely would.) The greatest hitman in the history of film wants to track down the young cowboy-type to get the cash. Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones plays a sheriff who wants to save the young cowboy-type and prevent people from getting murdered. Woody Harrelson has a minor role and is fantastic, but that’s no surprise, because everyone is great in this movie!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing. This is a fantastic film. You should go see it when you get a chance.
Who Should See This: Every single person who enjoys movies with the possible exception of children under the age of 10. Okay, maybe kids under 16 shouldn’t see esa pelicula because it’s got a fair amount of violence!
The Verdict: A.
January 31, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
Cloverfield
The Gist: Imagine 9/11, but instead of radical, nut-job Muslims, the attacker is, well, a monster. Unlike human beings who die fairly easily (Michael Myers notwithstanding), monsters can take a lot of bullets, grenades, missiles, etc. Thus, it’s really hard to defeat this s-o-b. Throw in some awesome special effects, and a Blair Witch manner of filming, and you’ve got Cloverfield.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: This is an action adventure-style movie all the way. So if you like those, you’ll like this. If you don’t, you won’t. As with all action adventure movies (not my cup of tea), the film could have been enhanced with random hot people getting busy with each other.
Who Should See This: The special effects are pretty amazing. If you like an exciting ride, go forth and conquer. If you are more interested in a powerful story, steer clear.
The Verdict: C-.
Juno
The Gist: A teenager gets pregnant the first time she has sexual intercourse. (Not just screwing, Mitch, but the kind of intimate ACTS… oral and what not. Actually, in Juno and her boyfriend’s case, I think it was just screwing.) So after Juno gets pregnant, she decides to have an abortion, but ultimately she can’t go through with it, especially after a young Asian classmate tells her that her unborn child/fetus/pick your poison already has fingernails. So she decides to pursue plan B instead, which involves planning to give her baby to a young couple who can’t have children of their own. The would-be adoptive mother is a perfect-type, the kind of person who makes the bed every day (and makes it really well). Her husband is a wannabe rock star. Juno’s dad is hilarious. Her stepmom is hilarious. Juno is hilarious. The writing is hilarious. You’ve got to see this one!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Can’t think of a thing. It was stellar start to finish.
Who Should See This: You should. The characters are great. The movie is laugh-out-loud funny, yet also manages to have some emotionally powerful scenes as well. Go see it.
The Verdict: A.
January 09, 2008
Playing at a Theater Near You...
P.S. I Love You
The Gist: During the opening scene, Hillary Swank plays a crabby wife who worries about everything and anything while her Irish husband takes the attitude that things will just work out perfectly in their lives, especially if they get it on more in bed. Well, everything doesn’t work out so well because the Irish dude gets a brain tumor and checks out of this world a lot earlier than any actuarial tables would have suggested. And as we all know, when a spouse dies, that makes it a hell of a lot harder to get it on in bed, unless of course the surviving spouse is a necrophiliac. Because Swank’s character is not a necrophiliac, she is devastated by her husband’s death. But guess what, just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he’s missing from her life! To the contrary, before he died, the dashing Irish lad took the time to write his wife numerous letters and arranged to have them mailed to her at various times following his death. These letters make Swank giddy at times and depressed at others. Not surprisingly, she finds it difficult to move on with all these letters traveling her way.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I didn’t know what this movie was about when I went to see it. (Remember my resolution to see a lot more movies this year – well I’m sticking to it. Plus Papa Fool and Mama Fool recommended this one.) Maybe if I knew what I was getting myself into, I would have had a different experience, but I just didn’t like this one. It was too depressing from start to finish. The uplifting scenes were fun, but quickly gave way to more depressing garbage.
Who Should See This: Lisa Kudrow is great, funny throughout! So if you like her, give it a go. If you want to see how Hollywood portrays grieving the death of a young spouse, then have a go. Otherwise, I’d stay clear.
The Verdict: A very clever plot and interesting concept, but this one just didn’t get it done in my opinion. It loosely reminded me of Return to Me. However, whereas Return to Me was absolutely wonderful (rent it – if you don’t like it, I will not reimburse you the rental fee, but I will offer to tell you to go to hell), this one was a stinker. D+
December 23, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
Charlie Wilson’s War
The Gist: When the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan in 1979, America’s elected officials seemed about as eager to help the Afghans as Kitty Genovese’s neighbors were to help her. The only person who seemed to give a damn was Congressman Charlie Wilson. Wilson was a boozer, womanizer, and playboy. He hired gorgeous women to run his office because, as he put it, “You can teach them to type, but you can’t teach them to grow tits!” He was a remarkably entertaining character, whom Tom Hanks captures quite well. However, Wilson was also virulently anti-Communist. Thus, when he saw how the Afghans were living as a result of the Evil Empire’s invasion, he took it as his mission to secretly funnel millions of dollars in aid to the Afghans to deliver the weapons they needed to kick some Soviet ass. And kick some ass they did. Charlie Wilson really did change history. This is his story.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing. It was great – informative and funny throughout! Philip Seymour Hoffman absolutely justifies the price of admission and two hours of your time. He plays a character that will cause you to laugh out loud more times than a Hyena at a Lewis Black concert.
Who Should See This: Anybody with a remote interest in political history, Tom Hanks fans, Julia Roberts fans, and obviously Philip Seymour Hoffman fans!
The Verdict: If only all movies were as good as this one! Definitely worth your time. Go see it (unless you want to be a stupid bastard). A
November 22, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
Gone Baby Gone
The Gist: A little girl goes missing. Her aunt or grandmother or, well, I’m not exactly certain how she was related; I just know some very annoying woman didn’t think the cops were capable of solving the case on their own; so she hired two very young investigators to help. Ed Harris plays a lunatic, over-the-top cop. Morgan Freeman plays the same character he does in every movie. John Ashton, known to many as Sergeant Taggart from the Beverly Hills Cop films, is also a cop – he doesn’t seem quite as whacked out as Ed Harris’ character. Eventually, all the pieces fit together and we figure out what actually happened to the little girl. Unfortunately, watching those pieces come together was a little bit like putting your hand in a blender just to see what happens.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not making it.
Who Should See This: People who loved Mystic River might like this because both movies were based on novels written by the same author. I happened to think Mystic River was way over the top and lacking in many qualities. However, compared to Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River looks like a Victoria’s Secret model standing next to a homeless woman.
The Verdict: If you’re seriously considering suicide and need something to put you over the top, this movie might give you the inspiration. I know I certainly thought about slitting my wrists when I left the theater. D- (Because it actually makes you think a few times.)
July 23, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You
1408
The Gist: John Cusack’s character writes book about his adventures staying at “haunted hotels” across the country. Cusack believes in ghosts and haunted things about as much as I believe in O.J. Simpson’s innocence. However, it doesn't take long for Cusack to becomes a big believer in all things spooky once he spends a little time in Room 1408 at the Dolphin Hotel in New York City! (You would become a believer too because, well put it this way, “There’s some funky shit going down in that room, and it’s got nothing to do with sex.”) Samuel Jackson plays the manager of the Dolphin, and much to my surprise, he didn’t completely overact in this movie. To the contrary, he actually played his role quite well and refrained from his typical random shouting sessions.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: I really don’t know. I can’t think of specific things; I just know it wasn’t great. I enjoyed one female audience member’s comment when she saw Cusack trying to keep warm on the floor after the haunted room lowered the temperature to sub-freezing levels. “Oh, he must have hemorrhoids!” A bit of a non-sequitur, but amusing!
Who Should See This: If you generally like the fascinating, warped mind of Stephen King, take a peek! However, The Shining is a much better haunted hotel film.
The Verdict: Much like this review, the movie isn’t great. Unlike this review, the film is somewhat entertaining. C+
Sicko
The Gist: In his latest “documentary,” Michael Moore takes on the American healthcare system, chronicling its inequities while praising the Canadian, French, and Cuban systems! As usual, Moore cherry picks evidence to make his case, but he definitely makes you think about the American system and whether we should embrace universal health care. I really don’t know if we should or shouldn’t. Do you?
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not much! I thought it was really well done, and I’m hardly a Moore-sympathizer on a ton of issues. I also don’t eat as much food as he does, but that's not really relevant.
Who Should See This: I think this is the second best Moore film. (I rank them as follows: 1. Bowling for Columbine. 2. Sicko. 3. Roger and Me. 4. Fahrenheit 911. 5. The Big One.) If you like any of his other stuff or are just really interested in health care issues, you should definitely venture to your nearest theater (but only if the theater is actually showing this movie; otherwise, it wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense for you to go to the local theater).
The Verdict: A-
