Second, you need to start eating as much cabbage as you can possibly stomach. If you’re not a vegetarian, mix in some bacon for good measure.

Third, you need to start drinking at least one smoothie each morning. That smoothie must be loaded with protein powder and at least one ripe banana.

Fourth, you need to start eating tons of garlic. How much is enough? Could what you eat kill at least a billion vampires? If so, that’s enough. If it could kill a few vampires, that’s probably enough too.

Fifth, you should eat asparagus every single day.

Sixth, drink a tall glass of whole milk shortly after you arrive at the office each morning.

The first six steps are hard. I realize that. I do. Fortunately, the seventh one is simple.

Step Seven: Each time you get on the elevator, you are to fart. Trust me, with the above-described diet, you are not going to have any problems cranking out some flatulence. So yes, each time you get on that elevator, you are to rip as juicy a fart as you can possibly muster. You might even get a nice combo fart in. (You might want to keep some extra boxers/briefs/panties in your office because, well, quite frankly, there’s a good chance you’re going to draw mud at times. But that’s okay. It's part of the process. Whatever you do, don't get discouraged!)

After you fart, you will wait.

That’s right. You will wait.

Unless you are some creep-ball who is into this sort of thing, as you are waiting, you undoubtedly will hope you can ride to the bottom of the building without stopping at any floors. Because you know that, if the elevator stops, whoever gets on will smell an odor that not even a morgue could replicate.

And why would you want to place yourself in this potentially awkward situation? Well, instead of being bored on the way down, you will now be nervous—incredibly so—hoping like hell that nobody gets on that elevator with you. You might even start sweating. Your heart will definitely be racing. And that means that all of a sudden, your usual dull elevator ride will be anything but boring.

If the elevator does NOT stop, you won't end up offending anyone, yet you will have gotten that rush that we all crave as human beings. And unlike many rushes, this one is perfectly legal!

I know what you're thinking. What happens if the elevator does stop to pick up someone? Well, that will definitely be unfortunate. But it’s not THAT big a deal.

People appreciate honesty. So you will merely say, “I apologize. If I had known someone was going to get on with me, I never would have farted.”

As soon as you are done saying that, you are to push every single button between the ground floor and whatever floor you happen to be on. This will ensure a longer ride. And as soon as you do that, you are to fart again, as loudly as you can! And yes, each time the elevator stops, you should fart again. Just keep farting and farting and farting. BUT REMEMBER, each time you fart, you must say, “I’m so sorry. I have no idea what I ate.”

It will be a good time. Trust me.

And if, for some reason, people get annoyed, just say, “Look, I’m having a really bad day, okay? My urine smells even worse than my gas does.”

Economy sailing into rougher waters Well, that makes me feel good.

Those still in stocks resigned to tough it out Amen to that, brother!

McCartney wants to release experimental Beatles track I bet he could make more money if he released an experimental video about what it's like to have sex with a one-legged gold-digging crazy woman.

Comedian Wanda Sykes 'proud to be gay' In the words of Johnny Carson, "I did not know that." Speaking of Johnny, do you think he thought Ed McMahon was a total idiot because, by all measures, Ed McMahon is a total idiot.

Scoop: Palin book deal could rake in $7 million Larry Flynt would give her more.

Julianna Margulies won't be back on ‘ER’ Wait a minute. That show is still on the air? Really? REALLY?!?!

Arizona governor parodied on ‘SNL’ Janet Reno, Part II, here we come! To think, we could have had John Edwards as our Attorney General. He and Alberto ought to see who's a bigger intellectual lightweight.

Thinking Fool ready for bed Indeed I am. May you have a wonderful Monday.

So why did I end up voting for McCain?

First, I think he actually would have governed in a bipartisan fashion. I don’t know if Obama will. He certainly talks about doing as much, but his record isn’t exactly replete with examples of him standing up to his own party and reaching across party lines. McCain – despite attempting to sound like a staunch conservative during the last year – works well with people of the other party and is far more moderate when he’s not trying to appeal to the Republican base.

Second, I trust McCain more on foreign policy/terrorism issues.

Third, I am not in favor of increasing taxes on anyone, the poor, the rich, the middle class, businesses, etc., especially in this economic climate.

Fourth, I think McCain would have done a better job eliminating government waste. (And no, I should not be considered government waste, at least not all of the time! I’ve actually been leaving work at 10 p.m. the last few days. Happy this does not make me, but when stuff needs to get done, it needs to get done. In other words, the government has gotten its money’s worth out of me this week.)

Fifth, I actually like gridlock. I think it prevents the government from going too far in one direction. (At my core, I am a centrist.) Now that the Democrats control the White House and Congress, they will be able to do almost anything they want. Sure, the Republicans might hold up some things in the Senate, but the Democrats are clearly in control.

Why did I end up almost NOT voting for McCain?

First, Sarah Palin. To say she was in over her head would be like saying some American men enjoy watching football. If she runs for president in 2012 and secures the Republican nomination, you can rest assured that Obama will have my vote. McCain showed awful judgment in tapping her to be his running mate. He should have tapped her in a different way if he was going to tap her for anything.

Second, Obama is an incredibly uplifting figure. Even though I probably agree more with McCain’s positions on things, Go-Johnny-Go just doesn’t have that “oomph” factor that Obama does. I remember watching Obama speak after the Iowa caucuses and thinking, “Wow. This guy is amazing.” Our country is down in the dumps right now and we need an inspirational leader. I think Obama can do for America over the next few years what Reagan did for us in the early 80s, i.e. make each of us feel proud to be an American. I just hope he doesn't saddle us with FDR-esque programs that are impossible to pay for eighty years from now.

Third, McCain ran just an absolutely atrociously awful campaign. He always runs awful national campaigns. That made me wonder if he would actually appoint people who could run the government in an efficient manner (well, as efficient as possible). Obama, on the other hand, ran the best, most disciplined campaign in the history of American politics. Maybe he can do the same as Chief Executive of the country.

At the end of the day, what does this all mean?

Even though I voted for McCain, I certainly wasn’t distressed when the results started rolling in. In fact, I was incredibly proud to be an American on Tuesday night because this country demonstrated that it truly is the land of opportunity. Where else can a kid with a white American mom and a black Kenyan dad grow up to be the leader of the country?

Many Democrats did a great disservice to this country in 2000 when they sulked and refused to recognize George Bush as president, as if he did something wrong by fighting as hard as he could for the White House. Even when Bush defeated Kerry in 2004, I heard from more than one liberal friend, “I do not recognize Bush as my president.” Well, such a sentiment is total nonsense.

Barack Obama will be my president, and he will be your president. He will be America’s president and deserves our respect. I didn’t vote for the guy, but I hope he ends up being a rousing success. I never get why people want our leaders to be failures. How is that good for the nation? I will support Obama in the macro sense, even if I disagree with him about various issues, and I will be excited as hell if he can help the country gets its groove back.

If Obama actually attempts to govern in a bipartisan fashion - something George W. Bush promised to do, but didn't really do, especially when the Republicans regained control of the Senate in 2002 - then we have a real shot of unifying our country. I imagine a lot of people won't give him a chance and will write him off from the start. If they do, shame on them.

What a year! What a story!

As Don King would say, “Only in America!”

I’m surprised we haven’t heard reports of Obama’s grandmother’s death being some conspiracy to engender sympathy for the Big O on the last day before the election. Maybe such conspiracy theories actually exist, and I just haven’t seen them. In any event, sympathies to the junior Senator from Illinois – losing loved ones is not fun.

Whose idiotic decision was it to have Chris Berman interview the two presidential candidates the night before the election? Berman looked as comfortable as a midget at a urinal in an NBA locker room.

And finally, from the “I’m so glad I got to see that with my own eyes” file, yesterday, I saw a very obese woman walking down the street smoking a cigarette. She was only about 300 pounds away from being the next James Bond girl.

With that stated, I’m really baffled by something. I simply don’t understand how any semi-literate human being can get excited about Sarah Palin. How can people in the Republican Party – my Party (albeit, I admit that I am about as liberal as a Republican can be, and I’m more libertarian than anything) – be inspired by this woman? I guess if she offered to take off her clothes, there might be reason for excitement. And hell, maybe she is a great governor, and one can get excited by that.

But excited by her as a possible commander-in-chief?

Excited by her as a possible head of state?

Excited by her as a possible national policy maker?

Excited by her as a possible leader of the Republican Party?

You simply have to be kidding.

I’ve watched her scripted speeches. She’s entertaining and energizing when she delivers prepared remarks. I get that part. But ask her a question that requires her to actually think, and her words come out in a way that makes Mush-Mouth of Fat Albert fame and the current President Bush seem like master linguists. To say she is in over her head on national issues, let alone international ones, is akin to saying that Vice President Cheney has had occasional heart ailments or that Chinese People (i.e. Asians) like to take pictures.

Asking a candidate what she reads is not a “gotcha” question. Time, Newsweek, the Economist, the New York Times, The Anchorage Daily News, the Wall Street Journal, the Weekly Standard, there are so many possible answers.

Asking her what Supreme Court decisions she disagrees with – also not a “gotcha” question. A basic high school civics class gives you an answer for that one – Dred Scott or Plessey v. Furgeson. End of ball game. Maybe she knew the names of those cases, but was afraid she would actually have to explain them. Or maybe she spaced out for a minute – I’ve been there, done that – and couldn’t recall the names of any cases. Well, that is perfectly fine. But you have to answer the question in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an absolute imbecile. She failed miserably.

Asking her if she would characterize a person who bombs an abortion clinic as a terrorist – yet again, NOT a gotcha question. The correct response: “Yes, absolutely! Let me be clear: I find abortion absolutely abhorrent, but any person who bombs an abortion clinic is a terrorist. End of story.” Instead, Palin said, “There’s no question that Bill Ayers, via his own admittance, was one who sought to destroy our U.S. Capitol and our Pentagon. That is a domestic terrorist. There’s no question there. Now others who would want to engage in harming innocent Americans or facilities that, it would be unacceptable. I don’t know if you’re going to use the word terrorist there, but it’s unacceptable, and it would not be condoned, of course, on our watch.”

How many times can a candidate drop the ball and not be held accountable by her supporters? How many times can people explain away her inability to answer questions as some liberal media conspiracy against her? How many times can people just look the other way when she commits another gaffe?

There is no doubt that the media want Obama to win and that they have given him far more favorable press coverage. Biden’s missteps aren’t reported with anywhere near the intensity that Palin’s are. But we’ve known Biden for decades. We’ve known Palin for weeks. Her idiocy on issues of national importance is not the result of a liberal media; her idiocy is the result of being thrust into a position for which she is not qualified. It would be like taking a popular, young, inexperienced high school principal and making him the president of a major state university. It’s just too big a leap.

The day McCain announced that Palin would be his running mate, a dear friend called me and asked me what I thought. I told him I was excited by the pick – if for no other reason than it was different and would shoot a bolt of energy into the upcoming convention. However, I told him I would need to learn more about her before I decided whether it was a wise selection worthy of support.

Well, it was not a wise selection. It was an idiotic one. Vicente Fox would have been a better selection, and he's not even a U.S. citizen.

Sarah Palin is a moron (as it pertains to the specific task which she has been assigned – i.e. to be Vice President; she is probably a very competent governor and ready for that particular job, but she is barely more qualified to be Vice President than the schizophrenic homeless man I pass every day on my way to work).

Surely by now, this cat is out of the bag, yes? The McCain camp has done everything possible to keep her away from the media, but there has been enough exposure by this point for people to have a sense of what she brings to the table. Surely by now, even the most die-hard Republicans can tell that this woman is quite lacking for this particular post, right?

Yet that appears to be anything but the case.

She still attracts thousands at rallies.

There is chatter that she will become the face of the Republican Party if McCain loses. This speculation should be dismissed immediately as sheer lunacy. But it’s not. There actually are many out there who would like Palin to be the face of the Republican Party.

How can this be?

I can understand a lot of things that don't strike my particular fancy. But this is one around which my mind cannot wrap. Can yours?

Don’t believe the hype.

Barack Obama is not going to win the 2008 Presidential Election.

He doesn’t have a chance.

And how do I know this, you might wonder.

It’s quite simple actually. Yesterday, on my way home, I rode the bus (a rarity) and happened to sit next to a man from Bangladesh. The man happened to be wearing a McCain-Palin button and also had a McCain-Palin sign with him.

Needless to say, I asked if he thought McCain would win.

He replied with more force than the “Sisters” did when they interacted with Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. “Absolutely! I am one HUNDRED percent certain that McCain will win on Tuesday. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. He is going to annihilate Obama!”

The man also informed me that Palin is a wonderful woman – quite capable, and loved by all. Then he told me Obama wouldn’t be qualified to be a security guard if the Big O moved to another country and started applying for jobs. (Clearly other countries have much more stringent standards than America does when it comes to hiring foreign security guards.)

So, my friends (fuck you for saying that fifty thousand times over the last year, John McCain – sorry, sometimes I have Tourette’s), after hundreds of hours of reading about this election, watching television coverage of this election, and thinking about this election, all I really needed to do to figure things out was sit next to the wise man from Bangladesh, who, by the way, was incredibly excited about placing a campaign sign near a busy Arlington intersection. He seemed to think this was a key to victory and that anyone who saw his magic sign would all of a sudden realize that voting for anyone other than McCain would be pure idiocy.

Who am I to argue with a Bangladeshian dude?

I repeat, “Who am I?”

WHO AM I?

I’M JEAN VALJEAN!!!!!!!!

And so Javert, you see it’s true
That man bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?
TWO. FOUR. SIX. OH. ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(If you’ve never seen Les Miserables, you REALLY, REALLY should. It’s absolutely the best musical I’ve seen.)

You probably expect me to actually tie Les Mis in better than I just did. Well, as Mr. Underhill would put it, “Better luck next time.”

“And that’s the way it is.” Anyone else think Uncle Walter Cronkite asked Katie Couric if he could slide a finger or two inside her when she asked him to record the voiceover at the beginning of her newscast?

Speaking of newscasts, Anderson Cooper is really growing on me. It’s hard to even stomach MSNBC anymore. That channel has become a caricature of itself. I wish Pat Buchanan would find a home at CNN or Fox News. I enjoy his commentary, but can’t suffer through anything but Morning Joe on GE’s cable news channel. Olbermann would be better served to actually allow a few conservative guests on his show. Talk about an echo chamber. He’s a really bright guy, but seems fearful of hearing any point of view that disagrees with his own.

Before I moved to D.C., I was very giving when it came to homeless people. Now I look at most of them with contempt. Not the crazy ones, mind you. If they’re talking to fifteen people who don’t exist anywhere but their mind, I’ve got no issues with them. It’s the ones who beg and beg and beg because it’s easier than having a job that annoy me. Where’s Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down when we need him?

Has anyone seen any good movies that are currently out in theaters? I’m open to recommendations.

“Katie, what about just the tip of my pinky?”

“NO, WALTER!”

And that’s the way it probably wasn’t, but it's a good image...

111th Congress

AN ACT

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

(a) SHORT TITLE- This Act may be cited as the “Eliminating Absurd Tendencies of Legions of Energized Street Souls (EAT LESS) Act of 2009”

SECTION 2. PROVISIONS.

Chapter 119 of Title 42, United States Code, which relates to Public Health and Welfare and Homeless Assistance, is amended by adding Subchapter VII, which shall govern the begging habits of homeless people. Specifically, Subchapter VII shall read as follows:

“42 U.S.C. § 11490. It shall be unlawful for any homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds to ask any non-homeless human being for money for the express purpose of helping the homeless person acquire food. If a homeless person weighs more than 300 pounds, that person clearly knows how to obtain food without annoying non-homeless Americans.”

“42 U.S.C. § 11491. Based on the severe nature of this detrimental, annoying conduct, whoever violates any provision of this subchapter, whether intentionally or unintentionally, shall be sentenced to a term of imprisonment that shall not be fewer than 20 years and which shall not be greater than 50 years.”

“42 U.S.C. § 11492. Nothing in this subchapter should be construed as preventing a homeless person weighing greater than 300 pounds from asking non-homeless human beings for money for drugs, alcohol, sex, anything really, as long as the homeless person does not claim he or she needs money for food."

“42 U.S.C. § 11493. Should any court find any portion of this legislation unconstitutional, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, can figuratively go fuck himself, herself, or themselves, depending on which is appropriate. In addition, that judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall be ordered to follow a homeless person who weighs more than 300 pounds into a public restroom and offer that homeless person a $10 gift card to McDonald’s in exchange for being able to wipe the homeless person’s ass after the homeless person defecates. The judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall also inform the homeless person that the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, will increase the gift card from 10 to 25 dollars if the homeless person is able to defecate diarrhea. If the homeless person agrees to accept the offer from the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, the judge or judges, depending on which is appropriate, shall wait in the bathroom with the homeless person for no fewer than 3 hours to ensure that the homeless person has an adequate amount of time to defecate.”

Seriously, the guy was at least 300 pounds. He really needed money from me to get FOOD?

I agree with McCain on slightly more issues (emphasis on the “slightly”), the primary one being the need to keep the federal government from becoming as bloated as a majority of people I see on the subway each day. Obama definitely wants to make the government bigger and bigger and bigger, and this just doesn’t seem like a good idea to me. (I assume he looks in his pants every day and just assumes that bigger things are better things, and you can kind of understand that.)

But with all of that stated, I really wonder whether McCain would be a good executive. He always runs awful campaigns. And if you run an awful campaign, shouldn’t that give us pause to wonder whether you would be awful at running the country? I don’t know anyone who seriously gives a crap about Bill Ayers and Obama’s loose association with him, yet McCain is beating that one to death; he was still talking about it yesterday when Chris Wallace interviewed him on Fox News Sunday (Wallace strikes me as a weasel. I like his father Mike, of 60 Minutes fame, but the son doesn’t do it for me.).

I also read an article last week describing how McCain left his first wife. To say he acted like a slime-ball would be akin to saying my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law might be the worst doctor in the country, i.e. a HUGE understatement! (To think I ended up writing that bastard’s personal statement (or whatever it’s called) when he was trying to land a residency. Oh, I guess technically you could say I edited his statement, but put it this way: if a retarded four-year-old brought a cake she baked to Martha Stewart and asked Stewart to help make it look “beautiful,” you know as well as I do that Martha Stewart would bake an entirely new cake, and just keep it the same flavor at the retarded kid’s cake to make it seem like she just “fixed it.” Martha would also probably tell the kid to give up any notions of becoming a professional baker. Have you ever met someone who wants you to know how accomplished he is and can’t tell you “impressive” facts about himself quickly enough? Well, that’s my degenerate-ex-brother-in-law. This moron wore his hospital badge on a recent flight so everyone would know he was a doctor. I mean, seriously. How insecure can you possibly be? If you’re going to do that, you should at least be a GOOD doctor, right? Trust me, he isn’t. Any insurance company that decides to issue him a medical insurance policy without an enormous deductible is a company worth shorting in the stock market.)

Anyway, Powell made sense on Meet the Press yesterday. I’m still undecided, but leaning towards the Big O at the moment, though the prospect of a Democratic White House, House, and Senate does not make me orgasmic.

Let it be known across my entire kingdom! It is NEVER appropriate to microwave fish at work. Even if you have a microwave in YOUR office, under no circumstances are you to use it to microwave fish during business hours, ESPECIALLY CATFISH.

I don’t understand how someone voluntarily puts catfish in his or her mouth given that it smells worse than a public restroom at a busy train station.

Consider this. If you were going out with someone and decided to get intimate with that person for the first time and unzipped his or her pants with the expectation of performing a little mouth-to-genital resuscitation, and as soon as you unzipped your potential lover’s pants, you smelled the most awful smell you had ever smelled - something so awful that you wanted to puke - unless you’re a prostitute, I’m guessing you would refrain from sucking/nibbling/licking/etc, right?

Yet people eat catfish. I don’t get it.

NEW RULE: If you are a cashier at Safeway and a foreigner is checking out, you are not to ask that person more than once if he would like to donate money to combat Breast Cancer. Bless this Asian man’s soul, but he could not have been more confused when the cashier kept asking him if he wanted to give money to breast cancer research. He looked at her like Mr. Miyagi looked at Sarah Palin when they made their sex tape. (By the way, why the hell hasn’t that thing leaked yet?)

Why won’t Joe Biden admit he got Botox? Would such a revelation really alienate voters? Remember when Greta Van Susteren admitted to getting her eyes done after she left CNN, but before she started at Fox News? Her candor was refreshing. It would be nice if “Say it ain’t so” Joe Biden, who is known for his candor, would not lie about this. On the other hand, why this is even a story is ridiculous. People, including politicians, get plastic surgery and other cosmetic procedures to make themselves feel better about themselves (possibly paving the way for them to get more tang or rooster, depending on their preference). Big deal.

There has been a recent rash of robberies in Adams Morgan, an allegedly nice D.C. neighborhood. Add this to the list of reasons Adams Morgan sucks. It’s dirty, dirty, dirty, and oh yeah, dirty. (U Street also sucks.)

I had the best potato skins I’ve ever had last night. Why every restaurant – American, Italian, Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Moroccan, Afghani, Indian, Ethiopian (ha, ha – oxymoron), Irish, etc. – doesn’t offer potato skins to its patrons is beyond me. If I ever become Program Director of the Food Network, I will most likely scrap all the current programs and replace them with wall-to-wall, 24/7 coverage of how to make potato skins.

If someone doesn’t have a television equipped for a digital signal at this point, do we really want this person watching TV? I am SO sick of the "In 2009, you will not be able to get television signals from rabbit ears anymore" and "John McCain is going to tax health care benefits" commercials.

Do you know what the worst part about three-day weekends is?

Tuesdays!

With that stated, thank you Mr. Columbus for sailing the Ocean Blue and paving the way for me to sleep until 11:30 yesterday morning!

Over the weekend, I found out that O.J. Simpson’s idiotic attorney, Yale Galanter, did not try to get the audio recordings (of O.J. carrying on like an angry lunatic in the hotel room) suppressed from the trial. Apparently the tapes could not be authenticated, so there was at least a plausible justification for keeping them out. Galanter thought the tapes helped his client, so he didn’t want to keep them out. I bet the Juice is happy to know that the jurors all basically thought the witnesses were scumbags whom they did not trust and convicted O.J. almost exclusively on the tapes. I have no doubt if Johnnie Cochran were still alive and chose to represent O.J. in the Vegas trial, Simpson would be a free man today. But those are the breaks!

If McCain ends up pulling this out somehow, do you think he will ask Palin to stay in Alaska? “Why, John? Do you want to keep me closer to the people so I don’t get sucked into the Washington machine?” “No, Governor. I actually have come to realize that you are an idiot."

Tommy Brokaw welcomes the candidates. The old man and the black dude start waving at the audience like a couple of idiots. And we’re off and running…

Brokaw explains that the candidates flipped a coin. I thought the winner would get to sleep with Palin, but it appears that the winner gets to answer the first question first.

The former Bald Guy from Murder One asks the first question: It’s something about the economy. Obama doesn’t say anything new. Wow! McCain goes for a Hail Mary right away. The government will buy all crappy mortgages and negotiate new mortgages at the house’s current value with the government eating the difference. So if I understand this correctly, sounds like if you bought a house worth $200,000 for a million bucks, you can get out from that one million dollar mortgage and get a new one for 200K. Sounds interesting. Surprised McCain didn’t say anything about getting down and dirty with Governor Palin. That’s sure to come. He’s probably saving it.

Follow-up question about who the candidates will appoint as Treasury Secretary. McCain falls flat with a joke about Brokaw not being his selection and then talks about the woman who runs eBay. Obama talks about Warren Buffet supporting him and then goes on a diatribe about helping the middle class and offering a tax cut to the middle class. Warren Buffet is absolutely mesmerizing. Have you seen him interviewed? He’s got such a great personality and an amazing laugh. Back to these two dull jokers…

Time for some guy named Oliver Clark to ask the second question. Oliver wants to know how the bailout will help everyday working folks. McCain passes up the opportunity to make a racial joke (Oliver is black). McCain tells Oliver he probably never heard of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac before this crisis. (Is McCain suggesting black men are uneducated/not up on news? I would play that card if I were Obama. I would also give a shout-out to O.J. After all, Palin gave a shout-out to a third grade class, so now there’s precedent for giving shout-outs in debates above the junior high level). McCain goes after Obama’s connections with Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac. Two questions in and the former P.O.W. is already turning negative. Time for Barack to talk to Oliver. He gives a lecture about why the bailout will help free up credit. All I can think is that Bill Clinton would be rocking this question. Obama seems like a cool law professor right now – he’s explaining things, but not really showing a ton of passion. Obama is attacking McCain. Great, the gloves are off. Maybe they will wrestle!!!!

Brokaw with the follow-up: Is the Economy going to get worse? Blah, blah, blah. BOR-ING. Obama doesn’t answer the question. McCain says it depends on what we do. Still no mention by either men about sliding the one-eyed snake in Governor Palin. I find that odd.

Time for some lady who looks like the lady from The Weakest Link to ask a question. My Lord. She stuttered and stammered more than George Bush on a tequila binge. She wants to know why the American public should trust either one of these bozos considering their parties haven’t exactly proven to be disciplined. Obama goes first. I wasn’t paying attention. McCain says he has stood up to his party; Obama never has. John is in attack mode.

Brokaw asks the candidates to rank the following priorities in order of importance: Healthcare, Energy, Entitlement Reform. McCain dodges the question. But he does manage to slip in at least one mention of “my friends.” I’m surprised McCain doesn’t want to talk about fixing social security. With the market getting cremated, seems like a good time to bring up privatizing social security. Obama’s turn: Energy #1 – damn, gas is super expensive in Nashville. Healthcare is #2. Education is #3. Props to Obama for answering the question even if he didn’t really prioritize entitlement reform.

Brokaw tells the candidates to start paying attention to time. He should invoke justice Singapore style. That would speed these bastards up.

Some questions comes in via an old woman over the internet. I didn’t hear the question. McCain starts talking about defense spending and how he saved America money in the past. Takes a jab at Obama. If I were Obama, I would run over and tackle McCain. There’s no way McCain could defend himself right now. His arms don’t go above his head and he’s almost thirty years older. Instead, Obama looks weak. He just sits there. Obama: “You know, a lot of you remember the tragedy of 9/11 and where you were that day.” A LOT of the people remember the tragedy of 9/11? A LOT? Who the hell didn’t remember the tragedy of 9/11? Terry Schiavo missed out on that one, but I’m struggling to think of other people who were alive and don’t remember that day. I suppose some children who were infants. Other than that, I would venture to say ALL of the people remember the tragedy of 9/11. I wish Obama would follow this up by saying, “Look, every women who’s had my pecker in her remembers it.” Then he should just sit down. Again, he’s showing weakness by not talking about what people want to hear. Obama talks about how young people want to serve. That’s why he’s going to enlarge the Peace Corps. Does anyone actually know anyone who did a stint in the Peace Corps and got anything out of it? I don’t. Doesn’t seem like we really accomplish much with the Peace Corps, but I certainly could be wrong.

Brokaw says something about getting drunk. Would be a good time for both candidates to talk about George W. Bush’s past drinking record. Obama ought to say, “Look, President Bush admitted to being a drunk. Senator McCain has voted with George W. Bush 95% of the time. That means, Senator McCain has been drunk 95% of the time George W. Bush has been drunk.” Obama asks why a teacher who makes 35K should tighten her belt when fat cats don’t have to do the same? The simple answer, of course, is to ensure that her frickin pants stay on. I mean, sure, if she wants her pants off, God bless her, but if she wants to keep them (and the panties) on, then a belt is an excellent idea. Not sure I totally comprehended the question.

McCain has a good line about nailing Obama’s tax programs to the wall being like Jello. AH, there you go, Johnny M! He gets it all back to race by mentioning Jello! Who was the main spokesman for Jello? That’s right. BILL COSBY! And who is rumored to have funded O.J. Simpson’s murder defense way back when? YUP, BILL COSBY! McCain goes on the offensive, going after white voters. It’s not pretty, but at this point, he doesn’t have much to lose by playing the race card.

We’re 35 minutes in, and neither candidate has mentioned anything about erect penises. Obama is pissed about something with McCain and wants to respond to something McCain said, but Brokaw says, “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Well, he didn’t exactly say that, but his meaning was clear – the Big O will not get a chance to speak on this point.

Oh good, Brokaw wants to talk about reforming social security and Medicare since both will be complete drains on our country as the baby boomers start retiring. He wants to know how we will fix those things. Obama starts talking about not raising taxes. He wants the tax policies to be right so people can get healthcare. McCain says it isn’t hard to fix social security. (Oh really?) He starts talking about Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill. Both dead, by the way. He says it’s easy to fix social security, but doesn’t explain how. For Medicare, he wants to have a commission make recommendations and get Congress to vote up and down. Another good opportunity for Obama to tackle McCain while McCain attacks Obama, and another example of Obama not doing anything. WEAK.

Next Question – 40 minutes in is from some woman named Ingrid. Ingrid wants Congress to move fast on environmental issues. In a surprising move, McCain refuses to answer the question, saying he doesn’t want to answer questions from a black woman. Risky move – I don’t think that will help him at all. Time will tell. (Okay, he didn’t do that, but it would have jazzed this debate up a bit. My God, so far it’s like watching Stephen Hawking playing ping-pong against a Chinese teenager. Actually, that might be pretty interesting. This, on the other hand, is absolutely boring.) I missed McCain’s response, but he’s talking about Nuclear Power. Obviously the smart thing would be to talk about Homer Simpson (average Joes know who he is), but McCain doesn’t do that. Sarah P. would. Obama’s turn. He attacks McCain after talking about other stuff. Obama doesn’t like Fossil Fuels. I used to own quite a few Fossil watches. I don’t own any anymore. In fact, I rarely wear a watch.

Brokaw starts talking about the red-yellow-green lights on stage. Did you know a black man invented the traffic light? I learned that watching a commercial during Black History Month when I was barely in the double digit years!

The people in this audience are completely lifeless. Where did they find these people? How come no one is chanting, holding up signs, streaking? BOR-ING!

Lindsey Something asks a question. She’s too old to be named Lindsey, yet she’s pretty good looking for her age. Way to uphold the strong tradition of Lindseys being good looking! Something about health insurance. I’m bored with health insurance. Thus, I will now go urinate. Thank God I didn’t eat asparagus recently. That’s the worst! I mean it’s cool when you’re in a public restroom or at work because you can ensure that someone next to you has to get a whiff. But when you live by yourself, there’s no advantage to having asparagus-smelling urine. Maybe I’ll run for president one day.

Doesn’t Obama look a little like Ernie from Sesame Street?

I wonder if this blog entry is as boring as this debate. Hope not. If it is, I’m sorry.

At nearly the hour mark, some dude named Phil asks about the economy. He wants to know about economic stress and our role as a peacemaker in the world.

If McCain needs to win this debate or at least land a knockout blow, let me be the first one to say he’s not achieving that goal. He’s come across as a surly old man a few times, and that doesn’t seem like a good image for him.

I had free chocolate cake earlier. That was nice even though I don’t really like chocolate that much. Of course, it’s good with vanilla ice cream.

You know what’s amazing about these town hall forums? I don’t recall seeing any “prank questions.” If I were there, I obviously would have my prepared/pre-approved/pre-screened/pre-selected question on my little note-card, but would I ask it? HELL NO! I think it would be much more fun to ask something like: “Senator Obama, how many times have you called out Governor Palin’s name while you’ve been inside Michelle?” This is all live, so what the hell would they do? Actually, maybe it’s on a very slight delay. I still think you could get the question out, and if you did and it got televised, that would be GREAT!

Obama: Screw Pakistan; we’ll do what we need to do.

McCain: Has no idea what the questioner’s name is. Does bring up a good point about not announcing to your allies/enemies what your intentions are in war. Says you want to carry a big stick. Obama misses an opportunity to point out that his stick, statistically, is almost guaranteed to be bigger than McCain’s. Obama should say, “Look, let’s settle this right now. John, drop your pants, and if you can’t drop them because your arms are all messed up from your days as a prisoner, then I’ll take them off for you!” At this point, Obama could tackle McCain, yank his pants down, and then hold McCain up so everyone could see McCain’s pepe. Then Obama could drop his pants and exclaim, “Look at this! That’s right. Michelle calls me Anaconda for a REASON!” Then he could turn to Mrs. McCain and say, “Cindy, you want a piece of this?”

Oh, as an aside, I just read that Elgin Baylor is out as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after 22 years. The Clippers made the playoffs FOUR times in those 22 years. FOUR times. Can’t imagine why they fired the man. I mean, he did such a good job.

They’re talking about Russia, and I’m bored. I need to poop.

I agree with Obama that we need to talk to our enemies. McCain seems so caught up with the fact that Obama would talk to Iran. GOOD! We SHOULD talk to Iran. And we should talk to all of our enemies. And who knows, maybe SOMETHING could be worked out. And if not, then we can kick their asses, but my God, you’ve got to talk first. Can you imagine having marital problems and just waking up one day and saying, “We’re getting divorced,” without every trying to work things out with your spouse first?

And it’s over. Thank God. It was boring, and McCain did nothing to move the polls. At least, I don’t think he did. Do you?

Governor Palin definitely did better in the Vice Presidential debate than she did in her interviews with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, but, as Vincent Bugliosi would remark, “That isn’t saying a whole lot!”

On Sunday, George Will brought up an interesting point on ABC’s This Week with George Stephanopoulos (a.k.a. that “little Greek Bastard”) (which happens to be my favorite Sunday morning political program, especially now that Tim Russert is no longer with us). At one point, Katrina Vanden Heuvel (editor of The Nation) mentioned that the current economic crisis is conclusive proof that unregulated, free market capitalism does not work. Will took issue with that statement, responding by saying something like, “Actually, the government stepped into the free market and more or less set up the playing field to ensure that people who had no business receiving loans for houses they could not afford would in fact receive loans for such houses. In a completely free market system,” he opined, “no bank would have made those loans.” In essence, he was driving at the fact that, nine years ago, in an attempt to get poor people to realize the American dream of home ownership, the Clinton administration put increasing pressure on government-subsidized Fannie Mae to assure banks that it would buy loans that banks doled out to non-credit-worthy individuals. Having that assurance, banks would then feel free to extend loans to people who had as much business receiving them as I do of getting voted the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year. (For the record, I have a penis, which I believe single-handedly eliminates me from being considered as Playmate of the Year. Of course, it's a beautiful penis, but apparently that doesn't matter. (This, at least, is what they tell me everytime I ask them to reconsider their decision.)) Without Fannie Mae’s assurance that it would buy those loans, banks probably would not have started doling out tons of cash to non-credit-worthy folks, which means we probably wouldn’t be in the mess we’re currently in. In other words, as my high school economics teacher always used to say, “There really are no free lunches.” (The teacher also used to say stuff like, "Tuck your shirt in, asshole!" when he would pass a less-than-well-dressed student in the hallway.) In any event, when George Will pointed this out to Vanden Heuvel, she made some weird noise that sounded like a combination of a woman having an orgasm and a chimpanzee stubbing its toe. I couldn’t tell if she thought Will’s assertion was preposterous (which it certainly is not, at least not on this specific point) or if she was caught completely off guard and had never considered how the government really screwed all of this up a decade ago. Here’s a good New York Times article from 1999 that provides a little background (on the Clinton administration and Fannie Mae, not on women orgasming and chimpanzees stubbing their toes).

If you’ve ever seen And the Band Played On, a fascinating movie about the origin of HIV and AIDS in America, you will find this article quite interesting. In short, Dr. Robert Gallo (played brilliantly by Alan Alda) really is a prick!

I saw former Supreme Court Justice nominee Robert Bork the other day. He does not look like he’s been eating his Wheaties. If you had the chance to break bread with a Supreme Court Justice, which one would you choose? I would go with Scalia first, then Breyer (those two seem far more personable than the rest of the crew), then Roberts, then Stevens, then Thomas (I would definitely see how many “cock” jokes I could get out of Clarence), then Kennedy, then Alito, then Souter, and finally Ginsburg (only because she’s supposed to be as personable as a pile of bricks at a construction site). I imagine if Governor Palin had to answer this question, she would smile and say something like, "Well I certainly wouldn't select the one who wrote Roe versus Wade!" "Well, the author of that opinion is actually dead, Governor." "Well golly, then that would make it even easier!" Note to self: she cannot ever be in charge of our country.

Senator McCain: I want to apologize to the American public. My friends, when I chose Sarah Palin to be my running mate, it was a somewhat impulsive decision that I thought would energize my campaign. Well, my friends, that decision did in fact energize my campaign. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Sarah Palin is a complete imbecile. My friends, I now realize that I should not have chosen her to be my running mate. I’ve actually asked her to step down, but she’s responded to that request by literally finding a staircase and taking one step down. When I saw her do that, I knew it wasn’t even worth explaining to her that when I asked her to step down, I was actually telling her that I wanted to fire her. My friends, the woman is dumber than Betty White’s character on The Golden Girls. Governor Palin actually makes that character look like a freaking Rhodes Scholar. My friends, Governor Palin is a moron, plain and simple. That’s why I want you to know that I am healthier than ever and will not die in the next four years and three months. I am a patriot, my friends. I love America. If I didn’t die in a Vietnamese prison while they tortured me unmercifully, I sure won’t die as your commander-in-chief. I simply wouldn’t put the country in that position. So, my friends, I pledge to you tonight, I will not die in office. I simply can’t do that as a man who loves his country. But if I did die, even though I won’t, you would have to impeach her immediately. Thank you.

Tom Brokaw: Um, that was a very interesting opening statement, Senator McCain. Senator Obama, you have one minute.

Senator Obama: Thank you, Tom. First, I want to say it’s a pleasure to be on this stage. And I thank the debate commission for organizing the event. But you know, I don’t want to proceed with politics as usual. Since John is leveling with the American public, I will too. I want to fuck Governor Palin. There! I said it. It’s out there, and as Walter Cronkite would say, “That’s the way it is.” And if Sarah Palin accepted my desire to have carnal knowledge of her and if we decided to film our physical union and if that would be appropriate for kindergartners to watch as part of sex education, well then so be it. And frankly, Senator Biden told me he wants to fuck Governor Palin too. He actually told me he wants to name off Supreme Court decisions while he’s pumping insider her to see how many he can cite before he ejaculates. I kind of laughed when he told me that. But as we all know, Joe’s got a habit of telling you more than you want to know. But I want to be clear. Make no mistake about it. Senator Biden would ejaculate in Governor Palin’s vagina, and I, uh, think as a man, who has, uh, served his country as well as he has, well, what I’m getting at is that I think Senator Biden can come any damn place he pleases, whether it’s in Governor Palin’s vagina, her ass, her mouth, or even on her eyebrows. Thank you. I see that my time has expired.

Is it too late for McCain to dump her? She is an absolute idiot. I felt more uncomfortable watching her interviews with Katie Couric than I did when I got food poisoning so badly that I had it coming out of my mouth and butt at the same time. And trust me, that was NOT a comfortable experience.

Thinking Fool: Go ahead.

Young Man: Hi, how are you tonight?

Thinking Fool: I’m fine. What’s up?

Young Man: Well, we are students at [Name of Some School I’ve never heard of]. Have, you, ugh… well, do you believe in God?

Thinking Fool: (Oh Christ. Here we go.) Yes, I do.

Young Man: Great, and do you, well, do you identify with a particular faith?

Thinking Fool: (Right now, I’m identifying with all the other bastards you bothered today.) Yes, I do.

Young Man: Would you consider yourself a Christian?

Thinking Fool: Yes.

Younger Man: Oh great. Well, then you’re familiar with God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, right? But have you ever heard of God the Mother?

Thinking Fool: No.

Younger Man: Well, not many people have, but the Bible is rife with passages about God the Mother. For example (proceeds to show me Bible passage from Book of Revelations identifying God the Mother).

Thinking Fool: Okay, great.

Younger Man: So, it’s clear that the Bible mentions God the Mother, right?

Thinking Fool: That passage certainly suggests so, yes.

Younger Man: Well, here’s another passage. (Shows me another passage).

Thinking Fool: Okay, great, bud. I agree. The Bible mentions God the Mother. What’s your point? I’ve got to go.

Younger Man: Well, don’t you think it’s odd that nobody has really ever heard of God the Mother?

Thinking Fool: (Right now, I find it odd that nobody has stabbed you in the leg.) Yeah, sure, but what’s your point.

Younger Man: (Shows me another Bible passage supporting his contention that the Bible mentions God the Mother.)

Thinking Fool: Dude, I understand there’s God the Mother. That’s obviously point number one in your lecture. I’m ready for point number two. So move on from point number one and get to point number two, okay?

Younger Man: Well, Christians have heard about God the Father and Son and Holy Spirit, but they haven’t heard about God the Mother. But to have a child, you need both a Father and a Mother, right?

Thinking Fool: (Looking at him with a deer-in-headlights look, thinking, “He’s not going to just continue to make point #1, is he?”)

Younger Man: (Showing me another passage about God the Mother).

Thinking Fool: (Staring the sidekick in the eyes) How come you never talk?

Sidekick: Oh, I do.

Thinking Fool: Well, you didn’t say a word until just now. Are you guys like Penn and Teller?

Sidekick: (Clearly has no idea who Penn and Teller are) He’s just a better speaker.

Thinking Fool: Who told you that, him?

Sidekick: No, he just knows more.

Thinking Fool: Oh really? I bet he told you that.

Sidekick: No, it’s just true.

Thinking Fool: He sounds like a racist to me. He’s a white man acting all high and mighty. He’s acting like he’s smarter than you are. He’s trying to keep you down.

Sidekick: Nah, it’s not like that at all.

Thinking Fool: (Thinking, “He’s probably right, considering that both are white.”) Well, if you say so. (Looking back at the other guy) Look, I’ve got to go. So you want to give me your main message before I leave? I understand your first point; there’s a God the Mother. But what’s the ultimate point? I need to believe in God the Mother in order to be saved? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

Younger Man: Let me show you another passage. (Proceeds to show me a passage where God the Mother is mentioned.) You see, people have heard about God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but hardly anyone has heard about God the Mother, but clearly the Bible discusses God the Mother.

Thinking Fool: (Walking away) I’ve got to go. Good luck, guys.

I think I was a hell of a lot more patient with these two clowns than most people would have been, but for the love of God (the Mother), you’ve got to get to the point. These two seemed like Willy Loman at the end of his career. (He was the bastard who couldn’t sell anything the older he got, right?) They just couldn’t seal the deal. I wish they would have asked me for money.

Speaking of Alice in Wonderland, was Lewis Carroll high when he wrote it?

And has an animated character ever had a cooler voice than the Cheshire Cat? (Perhaps Soundwave from Transformers.)

Wouldn’t it be cool if Lindsay Lohan ended up with Anne Heche?

Along that same genre, who cares if Clay Aiken is gay?

Moreover, who the hell didn’t know that Clay Aiken is gay?

If the hotel where I’m staying is interested in cutting costs, it might consider raising the temperature in the common areas above 40 degrees.

Is it just me or do you think one can make a ton of money in the stock market right now?

Several months ago, I was so excited about the prospect of our presidential race being between the Big O and the Old Man. I felt like that was a no-lose situation. Now, I feel like both are douche bags.