Immediately following Clinton’s speech, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell told CNN that he hopes he’s around eight years from now. I believe this should officially put to rest any speculation that Governor Rendell is suicidal. For the record, I am not aware of any such speculation, but on the off chance that such speculation exists, we should close the chapter on it, no?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if each of us could create a dream channel for political coverage, tapping our favorite hosts and commentators to appear? My channel would feature the following people. Brit Hume would be my host. My conservative commentators would be Pat Buchanan and Charles Krauthammer. My liberal commentators would be Mort Kondracke and James Carville. My “neutral” commentators would be David Gergen (definitely my favorite), Jeff Greenfield, Ted Koppel, and Gloria Berger. I would probably find a place for Dick Morris too! Who would you hire?

Did anyone happen to catch the incredibly self-righteous former peanut farmer-turned-governor-turned-dismal president named Jimmy Carter when he appeared on PBS? Generally, I find PBS’ news shows about as interesting as reading random pages in the telephone book, but when CNN went to commercial, I switched over to PBS HD and caught the amazingly boring Jim Lehrer interviewing Carter. I came away with two thoughts after watching that interview. First, good old Jimmy does more self-promoting than Don King, only unlike King, Carter is not at all likeable. He couldn’t wait to say something like “I lived with black people and like black people, so even though I was just about as bad a president as the nation has ever seen, you should all know that I grew up with black people.” Okay, so maybe he didn’t say the part about being an awful president – do you think he actually thinks he was a good one? – but he sure loves to self promote. Second, and more importantly, does anyone know if Carter accidentally ejaculated in his eye or something? One of his eyes looked like he dumped an entire bottle of red food coloring in it. If Lehrer were a real journalist, he would have asked Carter why his eye looked like it needed a super-absorbent tampon.

The tribute to Ted Kennedy was very well done. When the senior senator from Massachusetts appeared on stage, it was hard to keep from tearing up. Now that might have been because some homeless man was shoving a plunger up my rectum at the time, but I like to think the water in my eyes appeared for sentimental reasons. Kennedy looked really good. I was actually really surprised. I hope he beats this brain cancer thing. I don’t agree with a lot of his policies, and if he is to meet St. Peter at some point, I think he’s going to have some ‘splaining to do when it comes to the drowning death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but it’s nice to have him around.

Finally, to the white supremacists who want to kill Obama because he’s black, here’s an idea. Why don’t you go down to your local high school and ask someone what it will take for you to earn your G.E.D. and then accidentally swallow about eight pounds of rat poison. John Edwards was right when he said there are two Americas. There are uneducated morons who aren’t courageous enough to stomach the thought that their lives suck because they as human beings suck and then there are all the rest of the people. Everyone loves to be a victim.

Speaking of victims, what the hell is going on with O.J. Simpson these days?

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had writer’s block over the last couple weeks. True, I’ve been busier than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, first with a work project that left me with less energy than Terry Schiavo, and then with a very fun trip to the beauty that is Southern California. Even so, it would be nice if blog ideas would always flow through my mind with as much frequency as semen flowed through the Olympic Village. I try to write at least 10 entries a month. Obviously I need to pick up the pace and then some if I’m even going to come close to reaching that mark in August. As Ben Stein would say, “I shall do my best.”

It will be interesting to see if the Clintons actually try to help Obama at the Democratic Convention this week. My guess is not so much. Bill didn’t exactly give a great speech on behalf of Gore in 2000 (it was incredibly self-indulgent – shocker), but then again, Bill probably didn’t know that Awesome Al was going to jam his tongue so far down Tipper’s throat that all doubts would be erased regarding her deep-throating ability. (Oh, come on, you don’t think at some point Bill sat around the Oval Office with some of his pals and speculated about whether Tipper could deep throat her husband? I can just picture Bill saying, “You know, I might even let her deep throat me. I might have to send Al to Asia for a week and see if I can make any progress on that front.”) In any event, I don’t think Bill or Hillary will be all that sad if John McCain is our next president.

Is there any chance Bill wouldn’t bang Michelle Obama if given the chance? How awesome would it be if he actually mentioned this during his speech at the convention? “You know, a lot of people have called me a lot of things during this election, but the most hurtful thing by far has been that I am a racist. Well, I stand before you today and tell you unequivocally, I am not a racist. I have done more for black people than any president since Abraham Lincoln. Moreover, if Michelle Obama presented me with the opportunity, I would bury my head so far up her snatch that paramedics would have to be called in to administer me oxygen.” I wish there were Clinton tapes like there are LBJ tapes. How fun would it be to hear his off-the-record commentary?

Some speculated that Obama might choose John F. Kerry, the Democrat’s 2004 Presidential Candidate, to be his Vice Presidential running mate. If any non-mentally-handicapped person actually thought there was any chance of that happening, that person should proceed to the tallest building in his or her respective city, travel to the roof of that building, jab a few fingers up his or her brown hole, and then jump to the ground. Hopefully, the tallest building will be of a significant height that death will result. If said person has any assets, he or she is to create or amend a will, whichever is applicable, leaving all assets to me EVEN if that person has children. With a parent that stupid, there’s no doubt that the children will be imbeciles as well, and they will undoubtedly just squander the parent’s money, whereas I would actually put it to good use, like traveling to Vegas and playing poker. John Kerry? Seriously? There was about as much chance of that happening as Elizabeth Edwards blowing her husband this month.

I’m done. It’s good to be back.

“All Went Well With Gertrude’s Surgery.”

I’m always happy to hear about people’s good fortune on the operating table. However, I was curious about what sort of surgery Gertrude had, especially considering her name makes it very likely that she was born sometime during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. I figured other people, i.e. random strangers like me who happened to stroll by her house while walking on the boardwalk, would be curious about Gertrude’s surgery too.

And that’s why I decided to sneak up to her door when no one was looking and add the following sign below the other one.

“So Please Call if You Need a Recommendation for a Good Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgeon.”

Wish I knew her phone number.

I respect your ability to make a boatload of money practicing law.

I respect your ability to con people in North Carolina into voting you into the U.S. Senate, even if there was no way you could get them to do it more than once.

I respect your ability to somehow consider yourself worthy of occupying the White House even though you are about as qualified as Dan Quayle.

I respect your ability to stay married to your wife even though, by all accounts, she’s a raging lunatic, at least when she’s not in front of a camera. (I have this on good authority from people who actually are in the know.)

I’m sorry your wife is sick. I’m even sorrier, however, that during her illness, you decided to put your penis inside a woman who isn’t your wife, squirted your little love juice in her box, and made a baby with her.

I am also sorry that you probably made her lick your mole when you were done. Hopefully you only have one mole.

I’m also sorry that you thought you could cover up your love child the same way Jesse Jackson thought he could cover up his. You can’t.

Senator Edwards, the mainstream media has done all it can to keep from outing you. The New York Times had no problem publishing a story about an alleged affair John McCain had with some woman, even though the alleged affair apparently was over by the time the article was published, yet that same driver of news is doing everything it can to keep from dishing the dirt about you.

Well, guess what, Senator. The truth will come out. Have you learned nothing from others? You can’t control this story. Better for you to get out ahead of it now and explain to the world that you have a love child. You might even speculate about what position you were in when the child was consummated. I am guessing horsey, which apparently is like doggie except you make sure the woman is chewing on a carrot.

Ask some damage control experts; they will all tell you the same thing. They will tell you that the American public will be interested to learn more about the horsey position. They will also tell you that you need to confess and apologize ASAP (for having an affair and making the baby, not necessarily for enjoying sex with a carrot in your lover’s mouth). Yes, it will be an uncomfortable few days for you. But if you open up now, you guarantee that you won’t become part of the news cycle forever. After all, the old white dude and the black guy have to select vice presidential running mates soon, and the Olympics are starting. Lord knows how many people the Chinese are going to slaughter in the name of making sure the Olympics go well.

But you won’t open up. You will wait until it’s a huge scandal, something completely out of your control. You will embarrass your wife even more than she’s already embarrassed. You will ruin your chances of becoming part of Obama’s cabinet (and that’s a good thing, for the country).

Good luck, Senator. You’re going to need it.
Thinking Fool

Next year at this time, George W. Bush will not be president. I think just about everyone will be thankful for that. I would respect Bush a lot more if he didn't let spending get so out of control during his presidency. In the words of the judge who sentenced Ted Bundy to death, "President Bush, you went a different way, partner." Historians cannot possibly look back on the Bush presidency in a favorable light, can they?

I have always enjoyed seeing movies and used to love watching Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert review movies on television. Over the weekend, I stumbled across a YouTube video that shows Siskel and Ebert trading jabs while filming a promo for their show. I thought it was amusing to say the least. Perhaps you will too.

Can someone explain to me why you have to break glass to access a fire extinguisher in some office buildings? Who thought of that brilliant idea? At some point in our nation’s history, did America have a problem with white collar workers horsing around with fire extinguishers at work, thereby necessitating that they be kept behind glass partitions? Moreover, if there is a fire and a person cuts his hand on broken glass while retrieving the fire extinguisher, wouldn’t that person have a great lawsuit for a severe design defect?

Hope your August is off to a great start!

It’s a Monday night in late July. You’re holed up in a hotel room praying like you’ve never prayed before. For the last twelve hours, you’ve been an absolute basket case. You’re not sure what a death row inmate feels like in the days leading up to his execution, but you can’t imagine it’s much worse than how you feel now. You’ve had trouble eating recently, but today has been especially difficult. As soon as you glance over at the room clock, you can feel the beads of sweat starting to build on your forehead.

“It is really true?” you wonder. “Do I only have ten more hours before this damn thing begins?”

You’ve had an entire summer to learn the information, but for whatever reason, you find yourself pacing frantically in your room, wondering how the hell you can possibly pass. You check the alarm clock for what must be the twentieth time. You set the alarm on your phone just in case and leave the ringer on, hoping like hell that one of your idiot friends doesn’t call you in the middle of the night.

You take a pill out of its case and swallow it with the aid of some overpriced bottled water. You let out a huge sigh before resting your head on the pillow. Before you close your eyes, you stare straight at the ceiling and actually say, “Please let me sleep tonight, God. Please.” You’ve had more contact with the man upstairs in the last twelve hours than you’ve had in the last twelve years. A used car lot hasn’t seen as much bargaining as your room.

You stand up and check the alarm clock again. It still looks like it’s in perfect working order. You wonder if you should turn off your phone. If the alarm clock doesn’t work, the wake-up call should. “Oh the hell with it,” you think. “Better safe than sorry.”

For the next fifteen minutes, your mind is racing faster than Mario Andretti. “Does he even race anymore?” you wonder. “I’d love to be a racecar driver.”

Your thoughts continue to be sporadic, yet slow down in pace. Ah, yes. The Ambien (or Lunesta or whatever the hell you took) is finally starting to kick in. Within minutes, you’ll be asleep for good.

You've never been this nervous. Why can't you have one extra day?

Welcome to the night before day one of the bar exam.

BAD NEWS: If you're taking the July bar exam, you're going to have a rough night next Monday.

GOOD NEWS: Rough night aside, you can definitely pass!

BETTER NEWS: Even if you've fallen way behind this summer, there's still one week to absorb a ton of information. Use this week to ensure that you pass! Make sure you read every essay in your Bar/Bri book as well as every answer. That simple exercise will help tremendously. Don't freak out on test day. You don't have to be perfect! You can do this!

BEST NEWS: I finally got to see the new Batman movie! (Doesn't help you, I realize, but it enhanced my life.)

According to the family’s lawsuit, workers saw fellow employee Casey Diedrich taint the food. As a result, they reported his behavior to management, but the managers apparently didn’t inform the family about the extra ingredients. And I mean, why the hell would they? After all, who’s to say that the food from KFC/Taco Bell wouldn’t taste better if it were marinated in human urine and spit? I mean, it would certainly be one thing if the employees were munching on asparagus all day and used their post-asparagus-consumption urine. In that event, it would be ridiculous not to warn the family ahead of time. But for regular urine? I’m pretty sure the Food Network had devoted some shows to the benefits of consuming the liquid yellow stuff.

Miraculously, the jury found the restaurant’s owners negligent. Can’t imagine why. The managers sound like shoe-ins to run some of Donald Trump’s projects; their business acumen is simply second to none.

Here’s what’s great. Last year, as a result of his conduct, Diedrich, the punk who spit and urinated in the food, pleaded guilty to violating the Nebraska Pure Food Act. The Court fined him $100. Apparently, he… WAIT A MINUTE. A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! In the words of Arnold, “WHATCHU TALKING ABOUT, WILLIS?”

This maggot served a family food tainted with spit and urine and received a hundred dollar fine? That seems a tad light to me. What the hell’s the penalty for armed robbery in Nebraska, a $1500 fine and trash duty for a month’s worth of weekends? If I were the judge, I would have made that little bastard serve some sort of jail time, even if it was for one night. And if the statute didn’t authorize jail time, I would have gotten creative with the sentence and mandated that he blow a homeless man or consume non-pasteurized milk directly from a cow’s tit (obviously the “non-pasteurized” part is slightly redundant if he’s sucking the milk directly from a cow’s tit, but just in case the "sucking" part of the sentence was ruled unconstitutional or void, I would want to ensure that he still had to consume non-pasteurized milk (this is why you go to law school)). And if, by luck, the cow sentence was actually carried out, after punk-ass was done consuming the milk, I would have encouraged the D.A.’s office to indict him for some sort of sex-against-animals crime. And would all of my sentencing proposals get overturned on appeal? You bet they would! But guess what. The little bastard would have to sweat it out in the interim. If he’s stupid enough to serve food laced with spit and urine to customers, do you really think he’d be bright enough to figure out that my sentencing proposals were completely unenforceable? The answer is, “NO! He’s NOT that smart!” (By the way, this paragraph is reason number 829 of 109,821 why I will never be a judge.)

Here’s perhaps my favorite part of the story. A company spokesman told the Associated Press that Diedrich was eventually fired for missing work, but NOT for any of the incidents cited in the lawsuit. Let’s just clarify what that means: the company fired the little bastard for MISSING WORK; the company did NOT fire him for tainting customers’ food with urine and spit.

Remember in A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson (i.e. Colonel Jessup) looks over at the judge and exclaims, “I don’t know what the hell kind of unit you’re running here?” Well, how many times a day do you think the people who run this particular restaurant get asked that sort of question by customers? I mean, seriously, is there a reason the local police officers haven’t gotten together in the middle of the night and just burned this particular KFC/Taco Bell to the ground? The worst thing that happens is they all get charged with arson and have their attorneys argue for jury nullification at the end of the case. (Actually, I guess the worst thing that happens is that they get charged, convicted, imprisoned, sodomized while in prison, stabbed in prison, divorced, and fired.)

I’ve only been to Omaha once, and I kind of liked it when I was there. Don’t get me wrong, the place didn’t make me have a spontaneous orgasm or anything, but it was certainly much better than I expected. But if I were a police officer who lived in the area, I would find out if the owners of this particular restaurant own any other dining establishments in town, and I’d avoid those at all costs. Or, I’d just burn all of them down. Really a coin flip.

Obama looks very happy, so happy that he has a Chris Wallace-esque smirk plastered on his face. McCain, on the other hand, looks annoyed, almost as if he's trying to keep from punching Obama in the gut.

Well, there's a reason the two men look the way they do, but does the media provide proper context? Of course not. To the contrary, they take an original photo which speaks for itself, and crop it to make the Democrat look like a great guy and the Republican look like some kook. Fortunately, I have sources in the media who helped me obtain a copy of the original, unedited photo.

Take a look for yourself.

The photo appears below.

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(keep scrolling)

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I don't know about you, but I'd also look a little pissed off if some guy kept tapping me on the back with the head of his cock, especially if he happened to be standing in front of me while he was doing the tapping.

For the record, this is the 500th entry to appear on Thinking Fool. Somehow, it seems incredibly appropriate.

On Sunday, when Jackson was about to be interviewed on “Fox & Friends,” he criticized Barack Obama for conducting moral lectures at black churches. Jackson believes such lectures constitute talking down to black people, so in reference to Obama, Jackson said, “I wanna cut his nuts off.”

Yesterday, Reverend Jesse apologized for his remark, asserting that it was hurtful and wrong, but also noting that he and Obama “have a relationship that can survive this.”

Although the media have not reported how the Reverend knows his relationship with Obama can survive, rumor has it that Jackson said, “Look, last decade, I slid my one-eyed snake in one of my staffers. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’ve played ‘cover the banana’ with a woman not my wife, but, as far as you all know, it was the first time I had a child with a woman not my wife. As you also know, I inappropriately used funds from my charity, the Rainbow Push Coalition, in an attempt to cover up the affair and subsequent birth of my daughter. I assure you all, my wife was not happy when she found out about all this. In fact, when she found out my love juice had been floating around another woman’s cave, it was, well, let’s just say it was not pretty. I tried to pacify the situation that initial night by doing what I always did – swallowing a dozen olives and passing each of them through my rectum completely intact. Unfortunately, that little trick did not work. In fact, not only did it fail to work, my wife actually asked me – in a raised voice - why I thought that little trick ever worked. She told me she was repulsed by my little stunt and also by my propensity to stick my thing in holes not belonging to her. I apologized immediately. I told her I had always thought she enjoyed my olive routine. I explained that I had earned several hundred dollars a month performing that trick at carnivals before I became a Reverend and Civil Rights Activist. She told me if she knew I did that for money, she never would have married me. I replied that she didn’t really mean that. She said she did. I told her not to speak to me like that unless she wanted me to go O.J. on her ass. She replied, ‘Jesse, may I remind you that I just learned that you porked one of your staff members and got her pregnant to boot.’ I apologized and told her that in the heat of the conversation, I had totally forgotten that it was now public record that I had played “Now you see my penis, and now you don’t, but you sure as hell feel it, don’t you, bitch!” with one of my staffers. Despite that admission, however, I tried to explain to her how hurt I was that she didn’t like my olive trick. As a young man, I had worked very hard perfecting that trick and had suffered several beatings from my mother for always taking the olives out of the icebox and returning them covered in shit. I explained this to her, yet she remained unmoved. Well, members of the press, eventually my wife forgave me. And I am certain Barack will forgive me too. And if he would like to see the olive trick, that would actually make my day because, with the exception of Jimmy Carter, I have never done it for anyone since my wife told me it was stupid that night.”

John McEnroe kind of looks like Ted Bundy, yes?

I found myself wandering around the monuments over the weekend. Most of the tourists I saw looked like the farthest they had ever walked was from the parking lot of their local McDonald’s to the inside of that “restaurant.” Is there a point where people just completely stop caring? In ten years, will I not care if I’m 75 pounds overweight? It’s one thing to carry around a few extra pounds; it’s quite another to be flat-out obese, and there are simply far too many obese people these days. I understand some folks have health issues that preclude them from shedding pounds, but that doesn’t explain everyone. So what the hell’s the deal? Once you’re married, do you just not care about looking as physically desirable as you can for your spouse? Do you not care if your ticker stops beating one day due to the added stress of functioning in an obese body? Do you not care about setting a healthy example for your kids when it comes to taking care of their bodies? I feel like someone should print up flyers and hand them out in a very targeted manner across the nation: “Try exercising and eating fewer hot dogs; it will do your body good.” Were people always as big as they are now?

I’m a big fan of Restoration Hardware. Last weekend, I ordered one of the store’s shower curtains. Unfortunately, the curtain isn’t in stock at the moment. Yesterday, the customer service department called to tell me the curtain probably won’t arrive until the end of August. I asked if the store would waive the $11 shipping charge as a result of the lengthy delay and the representative readily agreed. US Airways, on the other hand, well, those bastards are about as focused on customers as PETA is on mistreated human beings. If I don’t retain my silver elite status on US Airways next year, the sliver of loyalty I still have for that airline will disappear faster than Charles Manson’s chances of being paroled each time the probation board sees the swastika tattooed on his forehead.

Final random thought to begin the week: If it never gets dark in Alaska during the summer, what do they do about fireworks on the 4th of July?